Teen self harm advice

[Raisingteenadvice]

DD15 has been self harming since end of year 9, currently in year 10. Small cuts in her arm. About 4 times in the last 9 months. She is seeing a therapist which seems good. She asked for it so I think she wants to stop.

I tell her that I love her and that I am there for her when she needs me. We have a good family life and support each other as much as possible; we both work full time but half of the time from home each.

School has been a major stressor in her life, in addition to the pressure of being a teenager in the current world. She is a good girl: polite, respectful, kind.

I was away for 2 weeks, I believe she was fine. I noticed some recent cuts and brought it up. Said to talk to me if she needs to.

I am trying to be strong, calm, be a steady presence; but it impacts me, make me question my parenting, cause me sadness, stress, anxiety.

Any advice welcome

When DD was self harming, advice from her psychologist was for her to think about when she feels tempted to harm- is it a particular time of day or a response to particular stressors? Then once she has identified that, I would sit with her during those times- not doing anything just watching TV together or whatever- until the feelings had passed.

She also suggested trying to think of other ways to deal with difficult feelings- write all the ideas down, good and bad (self harming, crying, talking to someone, going for a walk etc etc- absolutely anything) then talk about the pros and cons of each without judgement (so not "self harming is bad" but "self harming relieves the feelings but can risk infection or cause unwanted scars etc").

Hi OP. Not sure I have much advice but posting in solidarity. My DD about the same age was cutting herself. She was getting bullied at school. Nasty messages telling her to k*ll herself. It was a horrible horrible time but she’s just turned 19 and is so much better. I still worry that she’ll spiral into depression but for no other reason than worry. She’s doing great. Has a lovely boyfriend and starting a new job soon.

one thing I will say, I wished I’d changed schools at the time. My thinking was that she was in yr9/10 and it would be too disruptive but looking back was a terrible decision. She came away with not very good grades and the girls bullying her carried on till she left.

hope it all works out for you x

Thank you. When did your daughter stop?

I have told my daughter many times that I am there for her when she needs me, to talk to me.

It is hard

With changed schools when she was unhappy, she is in a new school since year 10. Started very well until the academy pressure started again, she is in a more creative and relaxed school though.

My daughter self-harmed in Y9 in exactly the same way as your daughter. Please tell yourself it is nothing to do with your parenting, because it isn't. Against her wishes, school told me about DD (which made me feel inadequate as I hadn't noticed). Before she got home, I learnt online that parents shouldn't probe, but should help the DC to find a better way of dealing with whatever is troubling them. My DD had half a dozen sessions with our GP. Eight years on, there has, to my knowledge, been no recurrence.

The safeguarding team at a school where I was a governor told me that self-harm was endemic in Y9 that year right across our city.

You are doing all the right things for your DD, and you are bound to have negative feelings about it. I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to express solidarity.

Thank you. I hope she finds better ways of coping with the stress and stop the self harming soon.

She is social, have friends, dreams, goes out.

She wants to go to college in year 12 which we are supporting.

Thank you.

It just causes me so much sadness and worry

At the time, I was fearful that the happy, grounded, friendly child we knew might have vanished. I was wrong, thank goodness. The self-harm was a blip. She's excelled educationally, met an amazing boyfriend in her first year at university, and has just started a one-year maternity cover role which she describes as her dream job. You're in the middle of it now but it will pass.

I am glad to hear this and I am very happy for you and your daughter. It gives me hope.

It is not easy being a teenager in the current world. DD gave me such a lovely card on mother day, thanking me for all the support; it broke my heart. I love her so much that s hard to see her self harming.

I still have the odd moment of sadness when the light catches the very faint scars on her upper arms. Your DD knowing her mum loves her makes such a difference. It's awful that not all daughters can be sure of this.

It is hard seeing your child suffering so much that they are causing themselves harm. We all have up and downs, I hope she finds healthier ways to cope with the downs.

I am also working hard on not showing my feelings of sadness, worry and really trying hard to stay strong for her.

I know deep down she will get through this, regain her confidence, achieve her dreams.

My dd’s doctor explained that it was her way of being in control of some aspect of her life. She also had an eating disorder which was part of it. She’d been bullied at school by a former friend.

It helped me to understand why she was doing it. The pain was a massive dopamine release and something she could control. It instantly relaxed her. It’s a horrible thing to see your child doing it but it can be very complex.

She’s at uni now and loving life, she’s happy and settled and has made friends and is enjoying her work. She doesn’t self harm anymore. I do want to cry though when I see the little silvery shoal of lines all over the inside of her arm. It’s a reminder that will never go away. I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

I think social media has encouraged it too. Lots of people share their stories of self harm and wear their scars with pride; it’s who they are and a part of their life. It should never been normal though to cut yourself and make yourself bleed. I have always supported my daughter in everything and obviously I would never tell her so but its one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. It’s heartbreaking to see your child do something like that.

The advice from the doctor I found really difficult. Basically it was you can’t question them about it, you can’t demand to see it, you can’t ask them to stop. All you can do is be there for them. It’s so hard, they don’t always want to tell you because they feel ashamed in some way and don’t want to upset you and you just feel utterly useless. I really sympathise.

I hope you and your dd are ok and can get through this. And to everyone else that’s suffering with this. ❤️

I found it helpful to stress that DD didn’t need to talk to me. She could just ask to be with me. Sometimes it helped her not to be alone but talking about her feelings would have felt too difficult and like a further stressor.
DD saw the school counsellor and is also under the care of a psychiatrist. It was recommended that I find a way to ask her if she was tempted to self harm without actually using that term. They suggested that many parents and professionals use the question “do you feel safe?” I found it a bit odd but it did seem to work. She is 20 now and at university and says that she no longer feels so uncontrollably anxious that she wants to self harm. She does vape and although we all know that’s undesirable, it seems so benign in comparison to the self harm that I just can’t be worrying about it.
She still gets anxious and usually just asks me to natter on at her about anything that’s not stressful and contentious and eventually the moment passes.

Thank you for the reassuring messages.

It is heartbreaking, the internet causes me huge anxiety too but I asked her before if she was being encouraged by someone and she said not.

I am trying to be there for her as much as possible. I do suffer from anxiety myself but look for ways to manage it: exercise, ashwanda, mindfulness, etc

Thank you so much for this post OP.

We have been home for one day after being in hospital for a couple of days. My 11 year old daughter (soon 12 - year 7) was self harming on her arm with scissors and we only just found out through school. It feels so unreal that our normally bubbly girl is hurting herself and feeling sadness. She also planned other things, so this has ended up with hospital stay and emergency critical care. We have both been crying so much, but I know this doesn’t help because she just feels guilty and closes up.

We have just locked all the sharps away and chemicals and medicines, talked to all our other children because they can’t use knives without asking for one. It feels like a dream, it hasn’t sunken in yet.

I really hope it gets better, and so your messages are comforting. Thank you.

I have the most amazing parents and grandparents could talk about anything but from age 13 to 19 I self harmed and the more I was told come talk to us, please stop the worse it got..
Couldn't really give a reason why either. Eventually the therapist said to my parents to ignore when I did rather than make an issue, my school were aware that it was being dealt with so stopped making issues also.
Just cuts to arms and legs nothing major which I guess to a parent sounds bizarre. I couldn't give any major reason why I did it and neither could I say why suddenly not long after my 19th birthday I stopped and now look back ten years ago and wonder why did I do it lol...

I am 28 now but was also showing similar behaviour at around this age and looking back it's so heartbreaking. It sounds like you are doing an incredible job, love, support at home and appropriate professional support are all the best things to have in your toolbox and hers.
Removing risk items like sharps, chemicals, medications etc is the best and safest move, but it's also important not to demonise those items, they are available but the family need a "safe" way to use and obtain them. Make a first aid kit available, in an ideal world, you want to be aware of instances to clean and check, but we know that that isn't always going to happen, having things like alcohol wipes, dressings and plasters all of that jazz accessible without judgement can be life-saving particularly when it comes to the risk of infection. A big thing that helped me was - other safe adults- talking to a parent sometimes seemed to scary and real, but telling a friends parent or a family friend felt a bit easier, this doesn't diminish your role but these other safe adults can really help encourage your daughter to have conversations with you and seek help when she needs it in a way that might feel less big. My thoughts and love really are with you, I am now a mum but after my own experiences I am really seeing the impact on seeing your child feel this way and do these things. Be kind to yourself! You got this!