Help

[Shannonkate878]

Please don’t judge no one can hate me more than I hate myself right now.
im 29 been with my partner since 19 we have 4 young kids he’s the most amazing man my best friend my absolute rock and the only person I have.
ive been going through a rough time mentally atm and been in a dark place after falling out with family I felt so alone.
then I went onto his phone and found he’d been on a porn website and felt rock bottom and hurt like I wasn’t even good enough for him either.
im in a group chat with friends and some people they know which i usually ignore but this time i felt so alone and replied, one of them was flirting with me which i went along and joined in with and when they asked if i had a partner i said no.
it went back and forwards in a group chat for a couple days then he started making sexual comments and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks what id done I said sorry this is making me uncomfortable now and left, no contact since.
however the anxiety and shame of what ive done is eating at me, i had to ring Samaritans as I’ve been having thoughts to end my life due to what ive done and can’t even function six days later ive had to ring my gp for help but i cant see what help they’ll be as ive done the damage now my partner will find out and ill lose everything.
im honestly broken and please dont question why ive done this as i dont know myself I hate myself so much and genuinely dont think i can cope anymore ive never felt pain and disgust in myself like this in my life i just dont know how to make it stop
i can’t even look at my partner or function due to the guilt and anxiety I’ve never done anything like this in ten years and just keep replaying him finding out and leaving me over and over and I genuinely feel like I’m going mad :(

Lovie, you haven't done anything. You were pissed off about your partner accessing porn and you talked to someone in a group chat. Nothing happened and you have NOTHING to feel guilty or ashamed of.

Think of it this way; if one of your children told you they were thinking of doing something naughty, but before they did anything they realised it was wrong so they didn't do it you'd most probably praise them for making the right decision.

Wouldn't you?

Thank you for your lovely comment I appreciate that. It’s just the fact I denied having a partner and went along with the flirty comments etc, I should of shut it down straight away, if that was the other way round I’d be so hurt reading it but like I says it began to make me feel uncomfortable so I left. It was so out of character for me and I still don’t understand why I did it but not to justify my actions I’m disgusted with myself I was hurt and in a vulnerable place. I just feel so full of shame and anxiety

You made a tiny mistake, for a short period of time, that's all. You're human, and humans make mistakes all the time – it's how we learn (as you know from your own children; they try to walk, they make a mistake and fall over, they try again).

Instead of focusing your negative emotions on yourself, talk to your partner – calmly and without accusations (or confessions) – about your feeling towards porn and how to boost your self esteem.

Thank you so much I appreciate it xx

Sorry to bother everyone again but I’m really spiralling. Since my partner came in from work I can’t even talk to him properly or look at him without anxiety building the panic is so bad I feel like I can’t live with what I’ve done but I can’t be honest as everything will blow up. It’s been a week straight like this the constant worse case scenarios going through my head I just can’t believe I’ve been so stupid I feel like the worst person in the world.

You haven’t been stupidly or done anything wrong.

can you get out for some fresh air? You need to breath, take some deep and slow breaths.

when was the last time you had a glass of squash or eaten anything.

honestly, you’re being too hard on yourself and it’s spiralling.
I'm not very good with words, I normally read rather than reply but I feel for you and the above would be a great start to try and gain some control, won’t hurt giving it a try.

Please go and see your GP (or your HV) as soon as you can – if necessary show them what you've written here.

This is waaaaay out of proportion and you might need some professional help to understand why you are thinking the way you are. You CAN get over this but you need to talk about it before it overwhelms you. Will you do that tomorrow please?

Yes I will. My thoughts are out of control now so going to try get some sleep if I can. I think it’s cos my partners nothing but good to me and I’ve been so big on loyalty for ten years so the fact I’ve told someone I was single and continued to engage with the flirting instead of nipping it in the bud at the first message, I guess I was insecure after finding the porn but I can’t use that as an Excuse. Just wish I could take it back

So sorry for bothering people again but I have no one else to talk to I’ve seen the gp and I’m on sertraline but my heads a wreck the anxiety’s too much. Yet another day it’s been on my mind all day of saying I didn’t have a boyfriend going along with the flirting etc and thinking how much it would hurt my partner if he found out and what it would do to him he’s already having major stress about finances things in life etc and I fear this could break him and if anything were to happen it would be my fault and I literally can’t stop replaying the thoughts in my head I feel physically sick 😢 and yes I already know it’s my own fault but at the time I was upset and not thinking straight not that that’s an excuse because it’s not at all but I just feel like such an awful person and I’ve ruined everything

What did you GP say?

(As an aside if you are not married you weren't technically wrong to say that you were single so – on the unbelievably tiny chance – that your partner somehow talks to these friends of friends who you usually ignore then you simply say you misunderstood the question.).

At the moment you are imagining all sorts of things that are highly unlikely to ever happen. What would you advise a friend or a sister to do in this situation?

OP - this is called catastrophising. You spiral to the ends of no return in the belief that the worst will happen. You loose rational thought and end up checking.

You need to see your GP and explain what has happened to get here and they will review your meds.

then when your resilience is back, you need to think about how to discuss your partners porn issues. Because that is the root cause of your reaction, your decision making and your spiraling condition.

wish you the best. Please see your GP.

Thank you. I just keep replaying every message I sent back in my head to the other person although they weren’t bad on my behalf it was still going along with the flirting and allowing it to happen and not saying I had a partner instead of shutting it down instantly. I keep imagining the hurt if he read them though and it’s making me feel physically like I’m going to throw up. I feel like although it hurt me the porn wasn’t no where near as bad as that’s not directly communicating with someone. Makes me feel even worse as when I confronted him about the porn he said it was a pop up but I’ve caught him on it before this. I don’t know why I’ve done this but I’ve ruined my own life and probably my family’s in the process x

Yes I understand what you are doing in your mind that makes you feel this way, but you’ve not actually taken in what I or other posters have said.

are you already on medications for anxiety or depression?

Please don’t be this hard on yourself op!
I’ve done similar things when I’ve had too much wine and panicked that my husband would find out. I told myself to forget about it and move on.
2 options here

1. Try to focus on forgetting and move in.
2. confess to your partner you were feeling rejected and flirted online and it means nothing.
3. Either way you’re going to feel better.
4. Sending hugs x

Thank you so much, I really hope so it’s consumed me for a week now and I can’t stop picturing awful things happening if it was to blow up x

And yes I saw my gp and was given sertraline I’ve been on them only 4 days now but that still doesn’t take away what I’ve done x

How would he ever see or know what happened? Please just forget it.

And speak to your partner about how the porn made you feel. For what it's worth looking at porn doesn't mean your partner doesn't fancy you. But you've every right to explain you don't condone it.

Op have you had episodes of fhis before? I will be honest and I mean this gently, you sound very unwell, and think you need to see your doctor again. It feels like paranoia, anxiety, intrusive thoughts. And you’ve 4 kids to consider, I think you need help.

what you did is something and nothing, it’s irrelevant. So what if you enjoyed a minor flirtation and pretended to be single for a short period, you hardly cheated.

your reaction is not in proportion to what happened, which is what makes me wonder if this is the first time you’ve suffered this sort of mental health episode?

I did about 5 years ago I had a breakdown and managed to recover with the help of my gp, but I also had family and friends around me so I had their support. I feel like I’m heading towards the same due to this but I don’t have anyone around me now, I’ve seen my gp and been given sertraline but I’ve only been on it 4 days and feel no different I don’t know if this is normal. Thank yous for your replies they’re honestly keeping me sane right now as this is the only place I’ve spoke to anyone, other than the gp x
and in response to one of the comments I fear this person could tell him or someone else I don’t know I know it seems unlikely but my head just can’t stop replaying the worst case scenarios x

Op, no one is going to tell anyone as it is so insignificant. But you’ve built it up into something it isn’t.

it does take time for anti depressants to work. Can yoh remember how you recovered last time?

Certainly takes about 2 weeks to take good effect.

theres nothing wrong with owing your behaviour Op, in a healthy relationship you wouldn’t have done it.

but you’re not in a healthy relationship and your other half is gaslighting you about his use of porn.

take the meds, keep seeing the GP.

Sorry to go on one again but Had a rough night again after finally feeling slightly better during the day, totally spiralling again now and feeling ill with the anxiety and thoughts. When I mentioned the group chat I was in, some of the people in them are childish and thrive off drama and have added other peoples family’s etc into them I leave then they continuously add me back. So scared if I leave they’ll get angry and message my partner or add him in for drama and entertainment for themselves my heads honestly a mess and feel so trapped and alone :( just don’t know where to go from here or how to sort this at this point x

Bump x

So sorry to ramble on again but I’m honestly not coping again today I can’t get it out my mind that they could add my partner or family and tell him just to cause drama I don’t know what I’ll do I just feel sick to my stomach as if I can’t cope thinking of what could happen I could lose my family, he could hurt himself due to feeling betrayed everyone will hate me and yes I’ve been to gp and got sertraline already but that doesn’t change what I’ve done and I can’t see how I can function or go on knowing it could all come crashing down around me I just can’t see a way out and honestly hate myself for what I’ve done I just want normality back and it hurts so much