Help

[Shannonkate878]

Please don’t judge no one can hate me more than I hate myself right now.
im 29 been with my partner since 19 we have 4 young kids he’s the most amazing man my best friend my absolute rock and the only person I have.
ive been going through a rough time mentally atm and been in a dark place after falling out with family I felt so alone.
then I went onto his phone and found he’d been on a porn website and felt rock bottom and hurt like I wasn’t even good enough for him either.
im in a group chat with friends and some people they know which i usually ignore but this time i felt so alone and replied, one of them was flirting with me which i went along and joined in with and when they asked if i had a partner i said no.
it went back and forwards in a group chat for a couple days then he started making sexual comments and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks what id done I said sorry this is making me uncomfortable now and left, no contact since.
however the anxiety and shame of what ive done is eating at me, i had to ring Samaritans as I’ve been having thoughts to end my life due to what ive done and can’t even function six days later ive had to ring my gp for help but i cant see what help they’ll be as ive done the damage now my partner will find out and ill lose everything.
im honestly broken and please dont question why ive done this as i dont know myself I hate myself so much and genuinely dont think i can cope anymore ive never felt pain and disgust in myself like this in my life i just dont know how to make it stop
i can’t even look at my partner or function due to the guilt and anxiety I’ve never done anything like this in ten years and just keep replaying him finding out and leaving me over and over and I genuinely feel like I’m going mad :(

Op. Please try to distract yourself for your own sanity. I’ve been there and had to force myself to forget it.
I don’t know what dose of Sertraline you’re on, but I’ve had to go up to 100mg as my anxiety has gone bad lately. I really understand how bad spiralling thiughts can be. Im
trying to keep myself as busy and distracted as I can at the moment x

Hi OP, hope you’re ok and sending you a big hug! The anxiety you are having, is it just thoughts? Or are you also having physical symptoms of anxiety such as fast heart rate, tremors, sweaty skin? Are you aware you look anxious? The reason why I ask, is because I would consider asking your GP for some Propranolol maybe starting with 20mg. This medication which I have used for many years, work well for me. I have a cycle of negative thoughts which result in physical symptoms and it’s like a circle. What I find is, when I have the negative thoughts but my physical symptoms are managed to the point I don’t look anxious to others, my thoughts calm down. Hope this helps - I’m here if you need to talk.

I’m trying really hard, the anxiety’s just too overwhelming I’m literally shaking 24/7 keep thinking of what could happen x

Hi yes I am tbh I’ve pretty much been in flight or fight mode for a week straight can’t stop shaking x