Tips for managing anxiety after difficult feedback at work

[MaybeNeverSoon]

I would feel embarassed admitting this in real life but I am hyper sensitive to any kind of negative feedback and it spikes my anxiety. I have always been this way even though I am now mid forties with two children and a successful job! I have a very thin skin.

I recently had an appraisal at work and was given feedback on things I need to improve. I found this so hard to hear (I responded professionally / appropriately in the meeting) that my anxiety has spiralled since and I am struggling to eat and sleep properly. My rational brain knows the feedback was not that negative but my irrational brain doesn’t listen.

I was previously on Sertraline for 18 months but weaned off two years ago. It helped with my anxiety but made me feel exhausted and I would rather try and manage this without medication. I also had some advice from a therapist with coping strategies (like writing down my worries etc) but I don’t find that makes much of a difference. I am taking 5HTP which might just be a placebo but is worth a try.

does anyone out there have any tips that have worked for them, managing anxiety as a highly sensitive person?

Although you say you’ve ‘always been this way’ can you recall when/why you realized that negativity in others was something to be avoided? Dealing with that part of your emotional mind is the way to resolve this.

Also when did you realize (or were told) that you are highly sensitive?

I have the same problem but sadly haven't found a way around it

This is a good question. And I find it interesting to consider your question and to contemplate how differently other people might be wired (I am thinking - how could you ever not want to avoid other people’s negative thoughts about yourself?!)

I have only realised as an adult how sensitive I am, when I see others unphased by what other people think of them.

I have always been cautious, would rather not try a new activity than try it and be bad at it, and find any kind of negative feedback completely demolishes my confidence. My dad is the same so I assume it is either an inherited or learned trait from him… his mental health is much worse than mine sadly. I would say I cover all of this at work / in society quite well and I have done well in my career, have lots of friends, in a social situation I can be quite brave, etc. The impact comes on my private thoughts and anxiety. When I am feeling as anxious as I am at the moment I just want to hide away from everything.

Thank you for replying.

I have only realised as an adult how sensitive I am, when I see others unphased by what other people think of them.

How do you know they are unphased? Do other people see your anxiety or are you also good at hiding it?

I think you're right in saying this is probably learned behaviour, and it's also more normal that not to be cautious – humans wouldn't have survived for as long as we have without a healthy awareness of risk.

This video is really useful in understanding what anxiety is and how to work with it rather than fighting it;

I think that’s a normal reaction to negative comments about work. No one goes to work wanting to do a bad job so any suggestion you’re not up to the task is going to hit hard, especially in your 40s - you’re not new anymore. You kind of have to distract your brain from over thinking and reset the focus. Are you clear what needs to change and how to do that?

put changes in place then ask for feedback in a couple of weeks to check that manager is now happy - that will reassure you or give you the opportunity for further clarity. You kind of have to face it head on and allow yourself to feel uncomfortable. It’s important to remember the uncomfortable feeling is temporary.

I see others unphased by what other people think of them

you’d think this of me.i don’t show I care what others think but I’m a massive over thinker and always assume people don’t like me. On the surface I’m very confident.

Solidarity.

I can't work in a job because of this. It sucks. I do lots to mitigate but generally, time & processing is the only thing that will resolve the distress.

I am very similar OP. I am 53 and recently diagnosed with ADHD and the dr says that this rejection sensitivity is a part of it all. Not saying it's the same for you of course. Do you have an EAP at work you can access for some confidential chat and strategies to move forward?

Thank you @Eyesopenwideawake I will watch that video tonight.

Perhaps ‘unphased’ is the wrong word. I mean that other people seem to be able to handle a work appraisal without it making them ill. Or maybe - as you say - I’m just not inside other people’s heads.

I appreciate your thoughtful engagement and it’s definitely helpful for me to be able to contextualise my anxiety so I look forward to the video.

Thank you @TeenLifeMum. The context of the feedback was positive - it was about working towards a promotion later this year, and what I need to do to get there. It was very clear and fair. I just find it so, so hard to hear feedback on what I need to improve. It makes me want to hide away and leave the rat race and take a massive pay cut and do a simple role where I can leave work at work and not think about it all the time! I had to fight to stop myself crying in the meeting. I feel sure other people could handle this kind of feedback without these extreme reactions and would be able to frame it differently. I think I have a low tolerance for stress and trying to push forward in my career makes me feel very stressed.

I do hear you about the uncomfortable feeling being temporary but the problem with an anxious brain is it’ll find something else to worry about once I’ve stopped worrying about this!

Thank you @TheMrsCampbellBlack i am sorry you are in a similar boat. It is crippling isn’t it. I have just googled rejection sensitivity. I am very good at maintaining and managing personal relationships but this definitely rang true in relation to my work.

We are a tiny company with nothing like an EAP sadly. I know I should probably go back on SSRIs as they did really help, but I felt like I was going mad for the first week on Sertraline and so that feels daunting, as well as it making me want to fall asleep at 7pm…! And then I’ll have the same problem again when I come off them…

I hope you are managing your ADHD OK, good luck for the future now you have your diagnosis.

If you do have ND traits, including RS then antidepressants (for reasons I can't remember) don't always work well.

It does sound like RS to me.

I even bought a book "Thanks for the Feedback" I hate it so much. 😊

Ok this is me. Or was me. The one area of life where I had crippling anxiety was work. Work performance. Work appraisals. Work feedbacks. I could take alot of normal life feedback but at work it was crippling @MaybeNeverSoon my rational mind would say this is just work. It’s not my life. It doesn’t define me. My irrational mind will say everyone thinks you are shit!! It was so so hard mentally. I also had therapy as I developed really bad palpitations and anxiety and I wasn’t sleeping well. Over years. Anyway I was put on propranolol 40mg daily. It took the edge off. I was still anxious but honestly it was more normal and rational. I stayed on it for 4 years. Age 41 to age 45. I left the job and guess what? I have stopped the meds. I can cope with normal life anxiety. I wasn’t paranoid. It was definitely the job 🙄🫣
5HTP did NOT work for me. Neither did melatonin

@MaybeNeverSoonplease let me know what you decide and how you want to approach it going forward

Have you ever had cognitive behavioural therapy to unpick your reactions and thinking patterns then build more helpful ones?

I'm not surprised that the counsellor's suggestion to write down your worries hasn't been very helpful. It doesn't change anything whereas CBT might.

OMG this is so so me. My goodness! I am highly sensitive in the workplace.

i also felt I can’t do more or keep pushing for the next promotion. I ran out of steam. I quit work. The thought of going back to that sort of pressured role feels me with panic. A real dread. But the thought of doing something simple less pressured is more appealing. I wish I had a good solutions for you. I don’t. But I want you to know that You are NOT ALONE. After appraisals, even fair ones I feel this self doubt. Self judgement. Sensitivity. You are not strange or weird. You have many others feeling this way. I agree it may be a learned behaviour. Especially if this is very much work related.

May I ask what type of work you do? I was in Finance/Consulting

Thank you @Chatsbots - would you recommend the book?

That sounds like me with rejection sensitive dysphoria. I think it can be triggered by childhood trauma or bereavement.

Try and just imagine the things they said about you were about another person. One you like and want the best for. And how it could be helpful to them. And that their employer logically would never make those comments to be cruel or hurtful.

This is very interesting @greenspaces03 and we sound very similar. But your experience confirms my suspicion that maybe I am not cut out for a career type job. The last time my anxiety was unmanageable and I needed medication was work related - I felt like I couldn’t breathe - it’s always bloody work related! Do you work now?

hello again @greenspaces03 it is kind of lovely to hear you are so similar even though I know it will be awful for you. I work in the creative industries, so the pressure is different to the kind of city job you had. But as I have to be creative and editorial in my output, I find this hard when my anxiety is bad.

Thank you @BillieWiper it looks like you might be right. My dad was very ill when I was growing up. I didn’t know about RSD or the link to childhood so I will look into this. Making sense of my behaviour or working out where it comes from really helps me to rationalise it.

I haven’t, thank you for the suggestion, I will look into it.

This describes me to a T. Sorry I can’t be much help as I feel the same about any negative feedback (also embarrassment is really difficult to cope with)
at work or anywhere really, like if I get beeped at while driving I will spiral into anxiety. I wish I knew how to cope better with it

Oh @Bowling4soup this rings a bell with me…! I can drive and we have a car but I haven’t really driven since I had my children as my anxiety is so bad. I just think I will undoubtedly have a crash at some point and a car is such a potentially dangerous thing to be in charge of. I would also hate being beeped….!! I feel embarrassed and pathetic writing this down! If you knew me IRL you’d think I had everything together

Was the feedback fair? I really struggle if I feel it is unfair, at the injustice etc.

Mind you, I was sacked from a senior job last year and have gone off work big style since

It could well be that. I never really knew it wasn't normal to feel so absolutely crushed and furious when anyone gave any kind of criticism until fairly recently. To me it seems like, well of course I'd want to punch them, they just basically completely slandered my name and character and must be annihilated?!

When all the did was ask that I put a different font on a spreadsheet. 😂