Still ruled by childhood abuse trauma despite years of therapy

[WhatisanODP]

This could be a long one and I’m sorry. I just wanted somewhere safe to write it down. And to this day my mum doesn’t know the extent of what I went through because it would destroy her.

i do have two beautiful kids that aren’t aware of my depression/anxiety and C-PTSD.

I’ve always blamed myself for what happened to me as a child. Typical mum and dad splitting up situation, mum eventually got woo’d by a much younger boyfriend. He was 22, my mum was 41 and I was 11 at the time.

the abuse started slowly. He’d buy me gifts, but constantly put me down. Tell me I was fat, ugly and that I’d never amount to anything. Those words have never left me. A few times he’d lose his temper and beat up my mum or me. But never my younger sister. He liked her I think.

when I was 12, he’d start to touch me, or ask me to touch him, which I’d refuse. Then he’d ground me and tell me that if I told my mum she’d never believe me. I believed him.

it carried on for years. When I was 13, my mum and sister would catch the bus to town on a Saturday morning, and he’d creep into my bedroom and get into my bed. He took my virginity against my will at 13. I used to try and go with my mum and sister so I didn’t have to be alone with him, but there was so many times I’d arrive home as a teen and find the house with just him in it. He’d lay in my bed telling me I was pretty, then scream at me that I’d never make anything of myself because I wasn’t intelligent and because fat girls don’t get good looking boyfriends.

i secretly struggled with bulimia as a child. Paying for that now as an adult as my teeth are awful. It went on with him raping me until I moved out when I was 18, just to be safe. He used to say if I didn’t do what he’d wanted he’d hurt my sister. Repeatedly tell my mum that I couldn’t be trusted and I believed him when he said no one would believe me.

I had a couple of non serious boyfriends before meeting my husband when I was 20. Kid at 24 and another one at 31. The relationship isn’t great. Mainly because I’m scared of sex, I can’t enjoy it, which has caused him to cheat on me multiple times. I’ve always promised myself that I’d never leave until my kids are grown up so they don’t have the trauma I did growing up.

I don’t feel like a survivor. I feel like I survive on a high dose of venafalxine and propranolol. I work in a high pressured job within healthcare that pays peanuts (nurse level) I struggle to make friends because I come across as negative, but that’s just my face when I’m thinking about other things.

I also feel guilt. What if he’s done this to other people, and I didn’t speak up.

I find it keeps me awake at night. I still can’t stop blaming myself for it all. I met a nice doctor at work who was really friendly, but there’s a language barrier and they misinterpreted something I said and that seemed to be the end of that friendship.

ive tried CBT, Counselling,EMDR, more counselling. I literally feel like I just want to have a huge cry in someone’s arms and just feel safe and let it all out. I’m 39 and my life is still being ruled with it down to my fears with sex. Maybe I did lead him on. Maybe it is my fault.

I had an amazing friend at work during Covid. Who noticed my mental health was declining and helped me speak to my GP about a medication change. Which resulted in no sleep at all for 4 days. At which point I bought a load of Zopiclone online and took the lot. That friend found me, saved me from the danger I was in just from his instincts that I didnt seem right. When he told my husband there was no reaction as they were away. But it hurt that friend so much and it’s only 6 years later we are beginning to talk to each other again. That lack off sleep was awful, and my GP changed the antidepressants a straight away and I didn’t do anything like that again.

i just want days when this trauma isnt always there and I don’t know what else to try

Hi @WhatisanODP I'm very sorry to hear that you were abused so horrifically and are still living with the impact of that bastard's assaults. His selfishness and brutality are shocking and it sounds like you're still living with the shock, as much as anything else. The shock that you could be so neglected that that monster could get away with treating you so cruelly for all those years. It's an understatement to say it was unjust, but you must be very clear with yourself : the injustice was done to you, you were a child (and then a young woman whose childhood had been hijacked and defiled). Not one single moment of that was ever down to anything you did or didn't do, please understand that for the sake of your sanity.

Your husband is utterly redundant if he can't or won't hold you as you so deeply need and deserve. I hope you can connect to the strength you undoubtedly have and make some choices that will give you more space to find the love you need.

I love my kids unconditionally.

But I’ve never felt love from anyone else.

I just wish I could get past it all

Oh lovely. I'm so sorry you've experienced all this. None of it was your fault.
I want to offer you a virtual hug. You deserve so much more. Maybe there is a sexual abuse survivor group or service in your area that might offer types of support you haven't tried before?

I wish I could scoop you up and give you that big safe squeeze that you need. The injustice of it all is heartbreaking. You sounds like you're doing a herculean job of trying to fight through the mess to raise your own children.

With everything you've described I'm not surprised you haven't healed. Your current circumstances are still miserable and not a nice safe platform from which to work through everything that happened before. You don't need a loving relationship to heal, but it can be helpful to have someone love you properly. But to have what should be a loving relationship turn unfaithful and cold must feel like another massive blow. It does not mean you are unlovable, and you didn't cause your marrital problems through not having sex. He bailed on his responsibility to love and honour you when the going for tough. Every marriage will have some really tough moments but it's not the fault of the spouse when their partner bails on them instead of pulling together.

This has all been done to you and left you feeling like this. You were not complicit and you didn't cause it. Any part of the abuse from your mums bf that you look back on and wonder if you did, you were just trying to stay safe and protect you and your sister in a situation no young teen should be in. No guilt on your shoulders, you should never have been forced to live like that.

I don't know what medical help to suggest and I'm sure someone more useful in that department will come along. I quite like Tim Fletcher's videos on YouTube. He has lots to listen to about healing complex trauma and has a nice soothing voice!

Hey op.

I’m currently awake for very similar reasons s. Some nights I try so hard to get to sleep but I can’t as my brain won’t let me. A horrible man let himself into my bedroom as a young teen aswell. I’ve spent twenty five years in and out of therapy. I think it’s helped, a bit. But what’s got me through is recognising my own resilience and actively choosing every day to see small positives. Instead of focusing solely on how awful my life was , I started looking for tiny moments of happiness and peace. First flowers in the garden, birds chirping, a lovely fresh cream cake as a treat. I started journaling. And I forced myself to write 5 positive things every day. 5 hopes for the future. My psychotherapist taught me some self soothing techniques and I would say positive things to myself instead of the constant barrage of negativity. Slowly things started to change.

These days I’m the most positive person I know. I can see the silver lining in anything . I volunteer for charity and fund raise and cook and deliver community meals for Easter and Christmas and school holiday activities at my local hub. I grow fruit and veg and nurture plants which gives me plenty of chances to see the beauty in life. I also do my very best to give out compliments to every persons that takes the time to interact with me on a daily basis. Nice hair, I like your shoes, don’t you look lovely happy etc. the vast majority of us are uplifted by even the smallest complement and smile in return. And smiles are contagious.

but even with that Herculean and often relentless effort on my part, sometimes nothing helps and I can’t sleep and the monster is on my shoulder and trying to sleep is pointless. And so here I am writing to you. But the monster is a hang over of him, it’s not part of ME. Tomorrow or the day sorry I will be string enough to force it back into its cage and I can carry on carrying on. And I’m very glad I can recognise that these days as it makes it easier to be kind to myself in the dark times.

Also you don’t HAVE to remain in your marriage and be forced to choose to be repeatedly cheated on. You can absolutely choose you and be single until your kids leave home or even forever. My sister split up with her DH when her kids were 1 and 3 and while she was never sexually abused herself, she knows full well that the best precursor to child abuser in a home is the presence of a step parent. So she has very much stayed 100% single for over a decade as her priority is her children and their safety. She’s a very strong woman and she doesn’t enjoy sex either so this works very well for her. Her kids still see their dad.

you don’t have to live in a miserable marriage, you can choose to end it and stay with a fresh slate free of male demands on your body.

I’ll be honest, at least it’s a team effort on the kids.

but who in his right mind would want to find love again with someone that’s had my past?

I struggle to let anyone in. My good friends are those that have build upon time.

ive met some nice men through work, but some of the groups of women can be catty and actively dislike me, because I keep my head down and get on with it.

ivr alway felt like finding a talking therapist I gel with enough to talk to them may help, but in years of trying I’ve not found one, my GP is brilliant but the local mental health team don’t deal with historical sexual abuse and rape. I’m just at a lost end. (And need a massive hug)

Bless youi was lucky that I found love again and with an absolutely amazing man that not only showed me what it was to love but helped to make me believe that I was worth of investing in. Wet hand been married for 20 years this December. Is not been easy, he’s had a VERY tough row to hoe with me at times. But he’s stuck by me and he taped me together just enough and for just long enough for me to be able to start repairing myself. He’s a fantastic step father to my eldest two, and our two. Although he says they are all his and he has a residency order for my eldest two add I was terrified their dad would try to get them when he came out of prison. I certainly wouldn’t be the person I am today without him, but I’m also not Co dependent on him either. He’s in my life now because I choose it, not because I can’t live without him. And that on its own was an eye opener. Having firm binaries was very hard to put into place but it’s really helped me tremendously.

There are certain charities that will provide trauma informed therapy for historic sexual offences. Contact woman’s aid, local sexual health centres, your local gp for referrals ( therapy can help with sexual dysfunction stemming from abuse).

I’ve always blamed myself for what happened to me as a child.
I also feel guilt. What if he’s done this to other people, and I didn’t speak up.
I find it keeps me awake at night. I still can’t stop blaming myself for it all.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I work with people with trauma who say exactly the same things; you're no alone in feeling this way. You CAN have days when this trauma isnt always there – and not just days but always.

There's lots of info on my AMA and always happy to chat via DM.

I do just need a new hug.

id made a new friend at work, nice man from a different country with different views on women. And it made me feel like he was trying to say I’m just any other broken person.

I’ve looked into so many support type things. Massive waiting lists, or out of my area or take people under 30.

i just want to definative help from somewhere. I just want to talk about it out loud, cry, face it, but I cry alone, whilst working a busy job, upsetting my friends and not knowing what to do to get out of this mess.

This is the way I explain trauma;

When something bad and/or unexpected happens a part of the mind takes on the job of figuring out exactly what happen, why it happened and (crucially) our role in the event. This isn't to punish or torment us but to stop that particular thing happening again – it's a protective mechanism.

That's fine if we were texting when the car accident happened or the other person was drunk when they fell into us, but some things are just so random or unexpected that there's absolutely no way of predicting them, preparing for them or avoiding them, especially when the abuser is in a position of power. That bit of your subconscious doesn't understand that you had no agency in what happened and carries on looking for a resolution – hence the flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, nightmares that are often part of trauma.

Once that part of your mind realises that there isn't, and never will be, a satisfactory answer for what happened to you, the search will stop; because it's a fruitless exercise which is detracting from your current happiness. You won't forget what happened but the emotional link will be broken. The commonly held belief that trauma resolutions takes months, and that you have to relive the pain puts a lot of people off seeking help, but it's simply not true.

It makes complete sense. I just haven’t ever been able to get my mind to understand that.

if someone came to me and said that happened to them, I know I wouldn’t blame them. I just can’t seem to be nice to myself.

i don’t let myself become close to people, when they get close I push them away.

other people seem to have so much luck with trauma counselling and mental health resources but I don’t know why I can’t.

@WhatisanODP We are invariably harder on ourselves than we are on other people, because we can be objective with them.

Hypnotherapy/remedial hypnosis (which is what I do) and EMDR all have good results with trauma, amongst other things, because they deal with the deeper subconscious mind rather than the more surface level conscious thinking.

I’ve never managed to say the words out loud to anyone,

I can write it down like I have in this thread but I can’t say the words out loud. I feel like I’ll never start to recover until I can do that.

does that sound wrong

I can understand that. You don't need to say it out loud – you know what the problem is and that's all that's necessary.

This is part of what constitutes the trauma OP. The unspeakable. The unspoken. Sometimes it needs to hit the air for it to be consigned to history. So you're exactly right. Some people do find they can't really start to recover until they say it out loud.

Also, what a c* your perpetrator was/is. I'm outraged on your behalf at his disgusting behaviour.

Oh @WhatisanODPwhat an incredibly hard situation for your child self to go through. It seems totally normal to still be so affected. I'm so sorry, it should not have happened to you.

I know you said you've done counseling and CBT but in my eyes these are the more superficial types of therapy and don't always address the much deeper traumas like yours. I don't know if you can afford it but a really good integrative / core processing therapist could I think make a difference. There is also Headstrong which provides cheaper high quality therapy. This as well as you looking after yourself properly and showing yourself the love that you deserve and need (but that's hard without the therapy!)

I have found Tara Brach and Pema Chodron's talks really useful when in tough periods.

Pema chodron has a great book called when things fall apart.

Tara brach talks a lot about how to hold pain and suffering

I wish you all the best my dear x

Also yes just to echo what an absolute shit that man was. What a SHIT. May he rot in hell and guilt right now.

I hope you have a punching bag or just let yourself scream sometimes cos sometimes depression and sadness is anger turned inwards. You must (and should!) have a lot of anger - express it!

I have no wise words to offer you op, but I wish I could give you that huge big hug and let you cry for as long as you need.

(I held a very distant relative I didn't really know but who landed at my parents house when she had travelled from other side of the world and then things went horribly wrong, and it didn't feel odd, so if someone needed a hug I would always offer it even if didn't really know them as I know how much a good hug can help a traumatic time, so hope my offer doesn't sound too weird!)

@WhatisanODP I haven’t read the other responses as some might be triggering (been through SA too) , so not sure if this was asked : seems you don’t have a friend, do you? When reading your posts it screams to me, it’s more a friendship you need rather than therapy as such .. perhaps that’s the reason nothing else has worked

what helped me personally was to forgive that person.. he was messed up, with a very messed up upbringing himself , and I happened to be in his life . I tell myself, each one of us has a problem, and this happened to be my own … I don’t hate him anymore , I feel so sorry for him, that he was so messed up , he had to result to that

I also go to church, I am Christian and this has helped me massively , to think “outside” just my own self… think of others, try to help others , and just accept that sometimes shit happens… but I am still here !

sending so much love!! Feel free to ping me and chat anytime xxx

@WhatisanODP

So sorry you have been through this horrific abuse. Have you ever considered reporting him to the police. Even though it was a long time ago, you will still be listened to. It is likely you will be offered some free counselling which might help you.

What happened to you was not your fault. Someone I know reported the filthy pervert who molested her. Despite it being over 40 years ago, he has just been charged.

ive not heard anyone say that before. When I’ve said that to other people the response has been that therapy should be able to help me.

ive spent 25 years trying to get help, trying to let go of it, and failing every single time.

then when I fail that feels like my fault.

i live a normal ish life. Busy job, young children, but I feel like I just exist. Not be tossing and turning in bed each night grinding my teeth with anxiety.

i even have my own duvet so I can sausage roll in it to feel safe.

I know I’ll never be completely free of it, but I should be getting some relief now surely.
I am reading everyone’s responses and it is helping. I just feel like A failure for not being able to conquer it.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through this - you were a child who should have been kept safe and you are not to blame at all!

if you haven’t already, I would really strongly recommend reading the book “The Body Keeps the Score” which has a great explanation of trauma but also of how healing is possible - he explains how things like massage, yoga and even involvement in drama and music can have huge benefits in helping people feel safe and connected again following trauma if you’re looking to try something in addition to the structured therapy.

I know I’ll never be completely free of it

It is absolutely possible to be free of it, and without having to talk about it.

One of the hallmarks of trauma is being unable to speak about what's happened. Being unable to put it into words, to create a narrative, to tell the story. Some people get along with CBT or DBT type strategies to cope. For others, it's not enough and they need to tell the story. To identify triggers, physiological - smells, textures, sounds etc, that keep the sufferer in a neverending present, the present of the original event or time. To identify cognitive distortions - 'it was my fault, I'm a bad person, I encouraged it,' etc
and to retell the story from an adult point of view - 'i was a child, I was failed, his behaviour was shameful, I was powerless,' etc.

If your therapy hasn't included something along these lines, then I'm not sure it's been trauma therapy. I don't know obviously what kind of therapy you have had but if you've not actually dealt with the events themselves then it's hard to see how it might have been helpful. If anything, it might have reinforced your belief that there is something wrong with you.

You sound realistic when you say you might never be rid of it. You might not. You might always remember, indeed some find the idea that they would ever forget what their younger self went through to be a heresy. But with good enough trauma related therapy, it should at least start to fade into the distance where it belongs.

If you can afford it, private therapy might be an idea. BACP, UKCP, BPC. Someone perhaps with good qualifications and experience and importantly someone who you feel you could perhaps tell the story to if you decide that's what's needed. Some people find getting a recommendation helps.

NHS tends to be: counselling for depression (not trauma trained afaik), general counselling (not long enough perhaps to gain trust etc), DBT (damage control) CBT for trauma - can be useful depending on therapy... Psychodynamic - reserved for more complex patients, can be very good, rare however. Clinical psychologists - rare to find a clinical psychologist that's had therapy themselves, although some are very good.

NHS has very specific pathways ... I may have missed some.