This could be a long one and I’m sorry. I just wanted somewhere safe to write it down. And to this day my mum doesn’t know the extent of what I went through because it would destroy her.
i do have two beautiful kids that aren’t aware of my depression/anxiety and C-PTSD.
I’ve always blamed myself for what happened to me as a child. Typical mum and dad splitting up situation, mum eventually got woo’d by a much younger boyfriend. He was 22, my mum was 41 and I was 11 at the time.
the abuse started slowly. He’d buy me gifts, but constantly put me down. Tell me I was fat, ugly and that I’d never amount to anything. Those words have never left me. A few times he’d lose his temper and beat up my mum or me. But never my younger sister. He liked her I think.
when I was 12, he’d start to touch me, or ask me to touch him, which I’d refuse. Then he’d ground me and tell me that if I told my mum she’d never believe me. I believed him.
it carried on for years. When I was 13, my mum and sister would catch the bus to town on a Saturday morning, and he’d creep into my bedroom and get into my bed. He took my virginity against my will at 13. I used to try and go with my mum and sister so I didn’t have to be alone with him, but there was so many times I’d arrive home as a teen and find the house with just him in it. He’d lay in my bed telling me I was pretty, then scream at me that I’d never make anything of myself because I wasn’t intelligent and because fat girls don’t get good looking boyfriends.
i secretly struggled with bulimia as a child. Paying for that now as an adult as my teeth are awful. It went on with him raping me until I moved out when I was 18, just to be safe. He used to say if I didn’t do what he’d wanted he’d hurt my sister. Repeatedly tell my mum that I couldn’t be trusted and I believed him when he said no one would believe me.
I had a couple of non serious boyfriends before meeting my husband when I was 20. Kid at 24 and another one at 31. The relationship isn’t great. Mainly because I’m scared of sex, I can’t enjoy it, which has caused him to cheat on me multiple times. I’ve always promised myself that I’d never leave until my kids are grown up so they don’t have the trauma I did growing up.
I don’t feel like a survivor. I feel like I survive on a high dose of venafalxine and propranolol. I work in a high pressured job within healthcare that pays peanuts (nurse level) I struggle to make friends because I come across as negative, but that’s just my face when I’m thinking about other things.
I also feel guilt. What if he’s done this to other people, and I didn’t speak up.
I find it keeps me awake at night. I still can’t stop blaming myself for it all. I met a nice doctor at work who was really friendly, but there’s a language barrier and they misinterpreted something I said and that seemed to be the end of that friendship.
ive tried CBT, Counselling,EMDR, more counselling. I literally feel like I just want to have a huge cry in someone’s arms and just feel safe and let it all out. I’m 39 and my life is still being ruled with it down to my fears with sex. Maybe I did lead him on. Maybe it is my fault.
I had an amazing friend at work during Covid. Who noticed my mental health was declining and helped me speak to my GP about a medication change. Which resulted in no sleep at all for 4 days. At which point I bought a load of Zopiclone online and took the lot. That friend found me, saved me from the danger I was in just from his instincts that I didnt seem right. When he told my husband there was no reaction as they were away. But it hurt that friend so much and it’s only 6 years later we are beginning to talk to each other again. That lack off sleep was awful, and my GP changed the antidepressants a straight away and I didn’t do anything like that again.
i just want days when this trauma isnt always there and I don’t know what else to try