Any professionals? EUPD DH is delusional

[QuirrelsSquirrels]

DH is psychiatrist diagnosed with EUPD and cPTSD. Serious childhood abuse. He tried to commit suicide in 2019 and was identified as being very high risk for self harm when agitated as he is so impulsive.

FF to now; he is self employed and about to lose his business because he simply hasn’t been coping. Possible bankruptcy. I am applying for divorce because his verbal abuse is so bad, SS involvement last year due to his mental health/verbal abuse (2 DCs 4 and 8).

Here’s my problem: I’ve lived with his MH issues for 10 years but never seen him genuinely delusional. It would be easy to dismiss it as gaslighting - which is what I have been doing up until now - but I’ve realised today he truly believes it and has genuinely lost touch with reality. He is convinced I have never worked a day in my life (2 degrees and a professional career before DCs plus p/t since); that I have never cooked him a meal; that I have never contributed financially in ten years: that I have been emotionally abusing him for ten years. All of that fits into the abuser/gaslighting except that it’s becoming obvious he really believes it and he has been equally deluded in the reasons for the dispute with his main client. He wrote his client (who is a seasoned and clever professional) a long and rambling diatribe about how it was all the client’s fault (totally untrue) and in his response the client specifically described DH’s response as “delusional”, which it most certainly was. He also had a rant at my DM this evening. Two weeks ago he told me he can’t stand the sight of me and I make him want to punch me in the face. He has never, ever threatened physical violence before.

My issue is that he can appear pretty lucid when he wants to and I have had major struggles in the past to get any help with him. He wasn’t sectioned after the suicide attempt, he assured CPN he wouldn’t try again so they sent him home to me with Home Crisis Team whilst I had an 18 month old DS. Most of what he says, if he says it calmly, seems plausible on face value. It’s always been a feature of his illness that when he goes into an episode he gets increasingly hyperactive and tries to control everything - even down to changing the temperature on the oven the moment he comes through the door when I’m cooking dinner then telling me he has to do everything the moment he gets in - and gets very, very verbally aggressive. He also gets faster and faster until he’s almost hyperactive. Tonight he has seriously scalded his hand because he was in a hurry to drain pasta for the meal I was in the middle of cooking when he came in - then he screamed at me telling me the scald was my fault because I’ve never cooked him a meal in his life and he has to do all the dangerous things like draining boiling water.

I’ve seen most of this before but never this level of concerted and ongoing delusion. What do I do? 111 won’t do anything because he’s not willing to talk to them and not an active danger. Sorry for long post and thank you. He’s asleep at the moment.

Hey, I work in the mental health sector, or did before I became unwell. I am studying for a masters in criminal psychology currently, and have a bachelors in psychology and counselling..

Truthfully, EUPD is a really tricky diagnosis. It can become so engrained that as you say you become delusional and believe the black and white areas of thinking.

Are you able to calmly talk him round at all when he’s having these episodes or is there absolutely no getting through to him?

I would also argue that he is a danger to hurting himself, due to his current mind state and use the scald as an example. You can call 111 for advice and say that he’s in a state of warped reality and will not consent to talking to them himself.

Thank for replying. No, I can’t talk to him at all. I’ve always been able to talk him round with patience and perseverance in the past but this time it’s as if I’m the enemy. He’s convinced I’m the bad one and he’s holding it all together.

Do you feel as though the situation is calm now that he is asleep? Will he wake up in the morning and go to work as normal?

It’s fine now he’s asleep. He’ll sleep through now. He’s at home with DD tomorrow, it’s her day off preschool and my day at work. He’ll be fine while he’s with her, he’ll watch telly with her, potter in the shed. My DM lives with us and will be in the house with them and I’m working 30 seconds away across the road (I can see our house) so I have backup. He seems pretty normal unless I try to talk to him about anything. He’s not really been working, he’s been getting less and less functional and more and more convinced that everyone else is responsible. He just can’t deal with any form of pressure, real or perceived.

I think truly that if he’s in a position where accidents are happening that can cause injury, physical threats are being made, DCs and DM are being caught in crossfire.. Child protection services would encourage you to leave or remove him from the home, and as you’re already seeking a divorce I think you know that’s where this is going. However, due to his mental wellbeing, that’s not going to be safe for him, you or the children. It could all kick off, so I think my advice would be to contact your local mental health and wellbeing team privately in the morning, be honest with them that you are asking for their help now, in making the environment safe for all of you. He needs real help, potential sectioning at this stage.

One question.. Is he medicated?

He’s on Sertraline. They tried Quetiapine and Amytriptiline (forgive the spelling) and he didn’t cope at all with those, they sent him even more mad. In truth I wish with all my heart that someone would section him. I will contact MH tomorrow. Thank you, I really appreciate your help.

I hope it goes well. 🫶🏼 always happy to help x

Does he know you are putting pans in place fpr divorce? Is that what is unsettling him now?
From the kindest place as a mental health nurse of 36 years this is not going to get any better and your first responsibly is to safeguard your children your mother and yourself and your home doesn’t sound safe.
You will run yourself into the ground trying to make this work.
Good luck in whatever decision you make

I know you say it’s fine but I wouldn’t in a million years leave a preschooler in the care of someone in the state you describe. That is not protecting the child. You have no idea what he might do if he actually is delusional - how can you be so sure it’s safe? I think you need to get a bit more serious about this and take steps to remove you and your family from him, or him from you.

Like for example - if you think he genuinely believes that you’ve never done a days work in your life and yet you’re meant to be at work tomorrow - then where will he think you’ve gone? If he actually believes that then he won’t think you’re at work - will he tell your DD that you’ve left or something?

It’s everything - business, divorce, childhood trauma.

I am in the process of trying to safeguard everything by removing him but it’s not easy to get the necessary level of support. As @MyWildOliveGoose said, simply evicting him at this moment wouldn’t be safe for anyone.

The decision is made that he has to go, but the practicalities are a bit more thorny.

It’s my first day in a new out of the house job, I’ve WFH since DCs. As I say, he has DM with him.

And that’s exactly what I’m doing, asking what actual steps are the most sensible ones to take to remove him with minimal risk to all concerned.

If it wasn’t my first day I’d call in sick but I have to turn up. It’s only two hours.

If you have to turn up to work then I’d arrange childcare elsewhere for your DD. Sorry to focus on this point but on the one hand you’re saying he’s severely delusional and out of touch with reality and on the other hand also arguing he can be left responsible for a 3 year old? Those two things don’t add up. If he’s as bad as he sounds then he is not able to look after a child. You need to be careful especially with previous SS involvement, you need to be able to demonstrate that you are safeguarding your daughter.

In fact that may be the best place to start - if he is a potential risk to your DD (even if indirectly, not because he is threatening her or hurting her himself) then this would trigger safeguarding and children’s team would have a duty of care to your daughter to ensure she is safe and they could support you in putting together a plan. I’d start by asking them for help.

I know you said he has a diagnosis of eupd but his behaviour sounds very similar to a family member of mine that has bipolar disorder. Especially the doing everything fast and hyperactive, delusional thinking, anger and volatility sounds similar to the manic phase.

I'm not a medical professional and obviously don't know the full picture, but if it is bipolar he could become seriously unwell and need urgent care.

I have thought this. Or possibly an overlay of both, he certainly seems bipolar to my lay brain.

I’m well aware of this. DM is a retired child protection SW. We had involvement last year because I contacted them myself to ask for their help.

This sounds really difficult. I’m sorry you’re all going through this. Can your DM look after your child for the two hours? Maybe the three of you could leave together and you could settle your mum and child in a cafe or somewhere and meet them afterwards if your husband might object to your DM looking after your child
alone?
It can be so difficult to get support when someone is delusional, but not articulating a threat to harm themselves, but if, as it sounds from your messages, you are concerned that it is not safe to try to get your husband to leave, then he is presumably presenting a danger to himself or others? I’m sorry if I’m misreading or misunderstanding any of this - or not being helpful.
I hope you manage to get the support you need. x

In the past I would have said he would without doubt hurt himself but nobody else. Now I’m not sure that he wouldn’t hurt someone else, possibly me or DM. Certainly not the children. It’s only crystallised for me this evening so I’m just trying to get a handle on everything.

I think I’ll tell the preschool I have a family emergency and drop DD with them. They’re very good. That will cover that base.

EUPD and bipolar disorder share a lot of the same and similar traits. If he has been seen by a psychiatrist and diagnosed with EUPD and cPTSD that’s evidence enough that he could still get very poorly very quickly.

I think yes there’s a safeguarding concern here for you going to work for 2 hours but DM will be there and I’m sure she will be happy to go out for a walk with DC if things become a concern.

OP you know what you need to do, get into contact with community health team, tell them the whole truth.. if they don’t put things in place quickly enough for you, call 111 and explain that due to his delusion and erratic behaviour he is a danger to himself and others. The threats are there, the accidents have happened, the history is documented. If they don’t help you I will be very surprised.

That’s a good idea. All sorted, I’d let your mum know your plans just so she knows some respite is coming x

I also have a friend who will pick DS up from school. Okay, I’ll hit the red button. I’ve been told so often that there’s nothing they can do that I felt like I need reassurance that I’m not overreacting.