Thank you @hazelnutvanillalatte yes, most people we interact with probably have no idea how hard we're working all the time, just to be functional.
You're right that we should admire our strength. I used to think I was weak because I couldn't override my OCD, but now I know that expecting myself to just snap out of OCD would be like expecting someone with a chronic physical condition to snap out of their symptoms, which obviously I'd never do.
I have to remind myself (when pondering my lack of material achievement in life) that so much of my time & energy has been spent managing a very debilitating illness that I struggled with undiagnosed and not knowing what it was, for years. I've been working hard to try to overcome my OCD, and that's been much of my life's work so far. It's been such a handicap. We need to be so kind to ourselves.
Re flare-ups, I still haven't identified an exact cause for the weeks-long ones. For the shorter ones, it's usually something I'm being very perfectionist about, and it inevitably 'goes wrong' in the sense of something unplanned occuring.
I actually ended up having a really difficult OCD day yesterday. I lost my dad about 6 months ago, and yesterday was his birthday. He actually wasn't fussed about his birthday, so I was being daft placing so much emphasis on it, as every day is for honouring the memories of those we've lost. But I felt I wanted to do something tangible and have a reflective day and go to a restaurant he used to love for lunch. From the moment I woke, I felt everything had to be perfect. Of course, because I sought perfection, I was on high alert for perceived imperfection, and honestly ended up having a really hard day. Intrusive thoughts & words constantly. Constantly battling against them - saying nice words out loud to counter the ego dystonic intrusive words. Finding walking through doors and negotiating public transport extremely difficult. Having to re-trace my steps with the right thoughts. Then a couple of people said things to me (just jokes) that threw me into a spin. I strongly suspect I'm otherwise neurodivergent in addition to having OCD, as I can't cope with certain jokes. Even if I know they're jokes, the sequence of words can really distress me. Sarcasm and accusing people of the opposite thing to the reality, as a joke, really troubles me. Words have the most enormous power over me.
Eventually I had to go back and have a big shower and wash my hair, to wash all the words, thoughts and general stresses away. I'll wash the clothes I wore today.
My dad definitely would not have wanted me to be anxious in any way; and I think for all his future birthdays, and the anniversary of his passing, I need to do something quiet in solitude, so there'll be fewer external triggers.
Obviously yesterday was a different kind of flare-up. I have some that emerge from nowhere, last for weeks, and can leave me unable to do anything much at all. Hellish condition we live with 😔
But, this too shall pass 🙏