Thank you so much @Helplessandheartbroke .
In terms of my OCD, it's definitely not as bad as it was when I started my thread last month. But, it's not at its best or most manageable either.
I got very upset about something this evening though, and was planning to vent on this thread anyway. I'm reminded again how isolated, secret and misunderstood OCD can be...
I'm currently visiting a friend in a different part of the country. The fact I managed to travel over here is proof in itself that my OCD is nowhere near its worst atm. I find all journeys difficult, because intrusive thoughts make me feel the journey has been 'polluted' and I get very stressed if I can't easily re-trace my steps or carry out necessary rituals. I've developed some strategies, and managed to get here.
Anyway, you probably remember from my thread that I lost my dad quite recently (a few months ago) and have been heavily grieving. Said friend (who is lovely) lost her dad a bit over 2 years ago, and has been struggling with her physical health, so, as she knew her DH was to be away a few days, she invited me to stay, so we could comfort eachother. Anyway, she's been diagnosed with probable Fibromyalgia. I don't fully understand what it is, and I've been researching online; but regardless, I'm very sympathetic, and told her I could help look after her. Well, I had a bad OCD trigger this evening, and I was seeking reassurance from her. She said lovely things at first. I felt guilty for asking for reassurance, so I tried to make a joke about 'my madness' and to explain it's due to a constant quest to be a goodie, and I get disproportionately upset if I think I've said the wrong thing. I think she might have misunderstood my meaning (not sure) but whatever the case, she momentarily got a bit irritated, and said 'I'm afraid I've got Fibromyalgia, so I'm far worse off than you with your madness' or something similar. I smiled and said nothing in response, but honestly was absolutely crushed. I would never try to compare suffering levels anyway. But, also, I realised she has no idea at all how utterly crippling OCD can be; or how crippling it's been for me over the years. That's not at all her fault, and obviously she's not alone.
But, I felt very ashamed at being a bit told off by her, and so misunderstood. Also hurt, as I've been really trying to understand her current struggles.
A few minutes later the subject of our dads and grief came up. I couldn't contain my emotions and started crying. She commented she'd never seen me cry before. Like many OCD sufferers, I've got so used to hiding thoughts & emotions that I rarely cry in front of others. I cry loads in private. She thought my tears were purely due to grief about my dad, which it certainly mostly was. But, it was also because she'd (totally unintentionally) really upset me, and exhaustion too. Soon after, I made an excuse to go upstairs to have an early night.
So, it reminded me again why I've not sought as much help as I should have, or not confided as much to friends.
I think most people probably just think I'm a bit unconventional and/or unfocused. But, don't know at all that it's been paralysing OCD (and trauma that triggered it) that's stopped me having the kind of life I wanted. I wish I could find someone to explain it all too, so I feel less alone with it. Thank goodness for this thread. Thank you for starting it ❤️
How are you doing?