What does OCD look like for you?

[fridayyay4]

I’ve suffered with anxiety for a long time, but only recently realised it’s actually OCD. I thought OCD was hand washing and a spotless home. I thought it all revolved around germs and tidiness.

It’s only recently when I’ve been searching for help for my own obsessions that I’ve realised I have OCD. My compulsions are checking, checking, checking and checking again.

My obsessions and intrusive thoughts have been varied. But I’ve always thought they sound so insane, I’ve never been able to tell anyone. Not even in therapy, as I didn’t understand them and I thought I would be seen as insane.

I’ve had obsessive thoughts about getting pregnant from toilet seats. About having HIV or AIDs. About getting in financial or legal trouble due to something I haven’t realised I’ve done. About doing something wrong while driving somehow without knowing.

The obsessions have made me ill, sometimes have kept me up all night Googling for reassurance for hours and hours. Speaking to customer service teams around the world to make sure I don’t owe them money for something I don’t realise I’ve done. Check, check, checking. But the relief only lasts a couple of seconds before the cycle repeats.

I am thinking of joining up to some OCD support groups, as now i feel at least I know what this is. I actually feel a bit better knowing others have this too and I’m not crazy!

Some of this resonates with me although I've never had a diagnosis or treatment. I had forgotten but I must have experienced this since childhood. I remember getting a computer game for Christmas one year and it had a warning about epilepsy and I was absolutely eaten up about it, wouldn't play the game and was convinced I had epilepsy. I remember other times when I thought I had a brain tumour, cancer, HIV etc too.

I also struggle a lot whilst pregnant with major contamination OCD. I can barely eat as I'm so worried that something may have come into contact with the food and I'll get toxoplasmosis or listeria. I also worry about the affect of inhaling something harmful on the baby. I'd hold my breath after using screen wash in the car because of the smell. I wouldn't use hand gel incase the alcohol reached the baby. The list goes on...

I don't think mine affects my daily life too much but it certainly can at times especially whilst pregnant.

Good luck if you seek support. I'm sure it'll help.

I was diagnosed with OCD last year, though I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depressive disorder, GAD, PTSD for many years.

My OCD is much more focused on my intrusive thoughts that tend to be th same themes, such as harm/death coming to me or my family. I do alot of checking, reassurance seeking, but for me, the worst is the thoughts, I fixate on them and I have been very very unwell the last 2/3 years with it, it's made me paranoid, anxious, and honestly I'm just a shell of a person now. I don't like to leave the house, I struggle to be alone, I have overwhelming rage and meltdowns, I have no patience because my brain is always on overdrive, I have a special needs toddler too and I worry that he's gonna be like me, it's ruined my life.

Things for me that make me spiral, that at the time are logical to me

My hands were itching, I convinced myself someone had laced my door with poison and was trying to harm me.

If I'm driving and I see an ambulance, I will have to go back and check that I haven't accidently hurt someone without realising

Constantly checking my body for bruises, lumps, heart rate, blood pressure

Not sleeping at night because I'm afraid someone will break into my home, it I'm worried something bad will happen, a fire, etc

Not drinking tap water because I'm scared it'll be poisoned

Not trying or eating new foods in case I'm allergic.

When my son was a baby I used to have horrible thoughts that I would throw him down the stairs, or harm him. I still get them now and it's so scary cos you know you don't want to do that but the thoughts are just there and the more you try to ignore it the worst it gets.

People that don't have it will never understand and I get laughed at by my whole family but what they don't understand is these things are real to me, and very distressing. I wouldn't wish this terrible illness on anyone. It's truly horrific and affects every aspect of my life. Sometimes I think I can't do it anymore. It's utterly horrible.

Hello, firstly
secondly I believe the subtype of OCD that you have is referred to as Pure O (just the obsession, without the compulsions). Do try searching that for other peoples experiences and when looking for management strategies x

My heart really goes out to you.
For me, I had the same toilet seat worry, along with having to say certain phrases in the right order at bedtime or my family would die in the night, I had to hang the washing a certain way or one of them would get hurt (usually my husband on the way home from work), turning the landing light on and off at bedtime, organising books in height order, and the worst one was self harming so I didn't harm my baby (I never would have, but I was terrified I would).
I also had massive issues over chemicals around him so we had organic everything. Also things around certain numbers and textures, colours etc. All very exhausting.
I ended up with a diagnosis of PND and OCD, had meds which helped all this was 20 years ago. During the lockdowns it was like a switch and they all but one suddenly disappeared, it was hugely liberating but incredibly strange. I've been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety since then. The doctor said it's likely been since teenage years and the OCD was my brain not coping with being a mum. I'm also waiting to be assessed for Autism. I often wonder if that's why it suddenly stopped during lockdown - no social interactions or pressures, just a massive reset. Who knows 🤷‍♀️
Apologies for the long post
I hope you're able to get the support you need IRL too xx

Also to add, CBT last year massively helped.

My DD has OCD and her obsession is not being able to sleep. Her compulsive behaviour started with a compulsive need to empty her bladder and reach a "just right" feeling. She can spend up to two hours going to the toilet before bed. It has escalated into making sure other things are "just right" too - the bedside table set up in an exact way, the door and curtains closed a precise amount. If anything is off, or her routines get interrupted in any way, she will start again from the beginning. She gets very distressed. I think it is inherited from my DH who does a lot of ritualistic security checking.

The gold standard therapy for OCD os supposed to be ERP. We are waiting for a CAMHS assessment but also on the waiting list for a psychologist.

Intrusive thoughts. I was diagnosed after being obsessed that I was going to be killed by terrorists. I was unable to sleep or eat or do anything for weeks.

eventually I got better.

when I told my mum she said that there is no way that I have OCD because I’m so messy

For me it’s anything that starts as a small worry then I can’t let it go until I’ve asked for reassurance from someone. It’s usually around if I’ve upset someone or whether someone is trying to avoid me. Or whether I need to contact someone.
sounds like nothing but I can spend days trying to get certainly and it’s haunting. I don’t feel like eating or can’t focus on anything else except my intrusive thought/woory. It is hell and as soon as I’ve got one thing right in my head, another worry takes it’s place.
im going for therapy next week x

Ok so… mine is getting in trouble with the police, accidentally knocking someone over with my car, leaving something on such as oven, iron, straighteners, leaving the handbrake off, accidentally committing a crime or upsetting someone. False memories have now become a thing too whereby if I can’t exactly remember something then I assume I must have done something terrible. It is so debilitating and can ruin months of my life at a time ruminating. I over check everything, drive back and check I’ve not caused an accident and become almost unbearable in my own head. I lose my appetite and feel so low I’m sometimes wishing to not wake up because I convince myself I’ve done something awful. The panic is insanely bad.

If I can’t stop the rumination for a short period and build on it, I can see that I am irrational
and then can move on. Until the next thing

Currently on a waiting list for talking therapy.

Hardly anyone except my Husband and my Daughter know about this and I am
vwry very good at masking. Inside though, it kills me.

I have most of these afflictions too . I had these intrusive thoughts as a very young child.

Does anyone have any theories why this special hell happens to us?

I do wonder if it's linked to the brain trying to cope eg undiagnosed ADHD, Autism, PTSD, trauma responses etc.
As if it's trying to find control in a world where things are overstimulating or triggering, or trying to protect itself by being overly cautious to the extreme.
As soon as I'm overwhelmed I feel that little niggle at the back of my brain trying to lure me in.

Obviously I mean in some cases it could be linked to that, not all! I'm not a Dr either, just my own thoughts

OCD is linked to autism. It's a severe form of anxiety. Many people with OCD will be autistic/ neurodivergent.

@fridayyay4wow! Are we the same person? I’ve had OCD for as long as I can remember, but since having my child it has been exacerbated! She hardly slept from 0-4, so I think lack of sleep didn’t help (I was constantly willing her to sleep but when she did I was so anxious that something had happened to her)! I’ve had intrusive thoughts since I was a teenager, but just thought I was weird and haven’t ever dared to talk to anyone about the thoughts.
i compulsively check all switches in the house every morning (it’s exhausting) and worry that I’m going to make such huge mistakes at work the company will fold, so much so that I compulsively check things in case I’ve let something slip! it can be paralysing sometimes. Nobody really talks about OCD or they just assume it’s a compulsion to check and don’t focus on the mental turmoil you can go through. I’d love to hear how people have managed to get a hold of their compulsions, I hear the best advice is to not do the checking etc etc but I just can’t bring myself to do that. Sending love and good vibes xxxx

Checking in with checking and contamination and intrusive thoughts about dying

My youngest son has ASD and he's incapacitated by his OCD at the minute. I have to feed him, dress him, shower him, I draw the line at wiping his backside so he can spend hours in the bog before I crack. He does nothing but stare at walls. Hasn't left the house in weeks. His started in the pandemic with all the hand washing and sanitisers that went with it.

Dealing with mental health services are ... Frustrating.

If you think you have OCD then I really wouldn't ignore it. Sooner it's caught before it leaves you a shell the better.

@Namethatbaublei didn’t worry about my handbrake until I once did actually do this (had gone from an automatic to a manual car) now I check obsessively! Can relate to everything you’ve said.

so interesting about the possible links to ND! I’ve never seen myself ND - I 99% don’t think im
autistic but have considered ADHD!

Another weird intrusive thought I have is that if I get a new partner, I convince myself I have HIV from previous sexual encounters (even though I’ve been checked and always use protection)! It’s almost like if anything good is happening I look for the worst thing that could happen to change the good then and then obsess and convince myself it could be true!

Diagnosed with OCD last year
mine resonates in overthinking, health related, house related, family related, anything.
check my body for anything different constantly, google constantly.
I also have an obsession with plugs, turning them off and checking they are off (if I don’t I obsess il burn the house down)
I also obsessively buy things, at the time I feel like it brings me happiness then I obsess over the money spent.
it’s totally ruining my life in general and nothing seems to help it.

I have a question about checking. I thought OCD was for example a compulsion to check you’d turned the light off 5 times otherwise your husband would die. I check I’ve turned the oven off several times before I leave because if I haven’t then my house is at risk. I check my work bag 4 times before I drive off because otherwise my boss will be cross if I forget something. This feels logical? I check multiple times because I forget what I’ve seen.

I had an OCD assessment last year and the assessor said although I met the threshold it was most likely just anxiety.

I’ve been there with the HIV worry, it’s horrible, at one point I was constantly being tested as I was adamant I had it, I’ve been marred 14 years and no cheating (to my knowledge)
but the fear is always there

Never formally diagnosed but for me it’s intrusive thoughts, mainly that I’ve upset someone, or done something horrible.
I do the checking of things but I’ve got better - I take photos of things now so I can show myself the hob is off etc.

Sometimes my ocd is a quiet noise in the background, but at the minute it’s a full on roar.
its almost like my brain has to exhaust itself with the anxiety and ocd and then it calms down for a while (not sure how to explain that)

I’m in my 60s and only just realising what’s made me different all these years. When I was very young I could only go to sleep if the towels in the bathroom were straight, my mum made a joke of it because. She was a clean freak and thought I was like her.
Later I had a phrase I would repeat every time we passed a certain place, then came the counting which I still do, how many steps to the door, car, shop etc.
I’ve had Emetophobia ever since I can remember and intrusive thoughts. It all adds up now. My mum suffered from anxiety all her life and took numerous drugs for it through her life. I’ve never sought treatment just accepted it’s part of me I suppose .

I had a nervous breakdown in 2008, your description sounds like how I felt before I crashed. There was totally no reason for the things l was getting anxious about.

Posted before but I literally couldn’t be at any height with my baby because of intrusive thoughts. I felt so ashamed and like a terrible mother, I got help, he’s three now and it’s a struggle but better