Losing My Mind Please Someone Help

[RedSuedeCherries]

Please can anyone help me. At an all time low. I will try to be brief. Long history of depression since teenage years - I'm 48 now. Currently it's 18 months since my mum died. Grief is killing me. Menopause symptoms are making my fibro 100 x worse. It's half term and my 9 year old has been nowhere since Friday because I am exhausted, aching, stomach pain, hot and cold, brain fog. In bed crying uncontrollably, raging the next, trying to hide my from him because he worries. Pure dread on waking up again every day. My 22 year old probably fed up with my feebleness and having to help out. Both of them have SN and we are overcrowded in a 2 bedroom flat. I'm failing them. I can't breathe. Terrified of and fed up with hospitals (so how can I access hrt?) - years of no help with fibro, and 4 family members dead in 6 years - endless hospitals, doctors, tests, all ending in 'nothing we can do' (fibro) or death (cancer). Family obliterated by death so no support. Kids father useless. Need my mum more than ever. No career as constantly on and off with fibro for years. Now menopause. My future looks like more of the same medical issues, no purpose, nothing but existing. I wanted to to retrain - how is this possible? Feels like a joke. Feel 48 going on 70. I am steadily parting with reality, I can feel it. I feel like I need to be hospitalised, I literally couldn't anyway as I have no one for my children. I don't even know what help I'm asking for. But any help/advice/suggestions please I would really appreciate it. My thoughts are so dark and despairing I am truly desperate.
Thank you.

Sorry you are struggling so badly OP. I think you should ring the NHS crisis team as you are not coping at all. Do you feel up to doing that or could your 22 year old do it for you?

Thank you @Shonainthecastle
Do you know what they might do? I'm so worried about my kids, surely anyone will see I'm not fit to be a mother and then what?

Please call 111 option 2, you will be assessed and passed through to Crisis.

They will help you, and it will be seen as a positive step that you’re asking for help x

They will not think you are unfit to be a mother as you are reaching out for support.

@Moen @Shonainthecastle
Thank you. I'm so scared. I want help but how when terrified of hospitals, tests? Even talking? Because I think I sound crazy because I feel crazy.

You don’t need to go to hospital. Give them a call and they will assess you on the phone or come out to see you. I was offered daily visits by the crisis team.

@Shonainthecastle I feel like I can't say what I mean properly. Everything is foggy and it took me ages and ages to write what I feel, much less say it. My flat is a tip if anyone came. I had a dream a couple of nights ago that a group of human sized birds like Malibu storks in uniforms were knocking on my door and that's the first thing I thought of when you mentioned them coming out.

THIS - seeking help is a sign of strength.

Good luck - please get help (crisis support initially )

All this means that you definitely do need help. Can you write down what you want to say before you ring them? They won’t come out unless you want them to so you can just have a chat over the phone if that is more manageable.
Please do ring the crisis team to get help, you can’t carry on like this. You don’t deserve to suffer like this.

Does your older son/daughter have a job or go to college? He or she is an adult, so "having to help out" is to be expected. I wouldn't feel guilty about that. Also, if they are competent enough to help out despite the SN, that's great.

I know SN can throw off all the expected milestones, but 22 is still adult, not a kid. If they can help, let them.

(Yes, I have kids with SEN.)

You need support. Definitely reach out to the crisis line for an assessment. However, unless you are actively suicidal (with current plans), or a danger to yourself or someone else, they might not be able to help. In that case reach out to your GP urgently. You need treatment for your fibromyalgia and menopause symptoms too. Also if you are struggling to get out of bed, reach out to adult social services for a care needs assessment.

I know it’s overwhelming, but the first step to change is reaching out. You and your kids deserve support.

Thank you all so much.
@IsSheorIsntShe yes she works from home. She is wonderful and does so much. Too much. I know she can't be coping. I'm HER mum. She was so close to my mum, she's devastated. We're grieving and I'm not helping.

Also to say I’m really sorry for your loss. Why don’t you give Cruse a call. They will listen to you and support you. Maybe your daughter could call too?

www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline/#:~:text=Give%20us%20a%20call,free%20on%200808%20808%201677.

You are not well so please try not to blame or criticise yourself. That is your depression talking. Are you on any antidepressants at the moment as they can really help?

@FlyingUnicornWings thank you. Yes, she has had some bereavement counselling. I haven't. After I had my son, I had a birth injury that ended up with me having ptss. Ended up under the care of a psychiatrist for months. I have been on every antidepressant since I was 17. After my ptss, and a 3 year wait for pain clinic for fibro where they told me there was nothing else except steroid injections, I tried to go only natural medications. I am so angry and scared of hospitals, medication, tests, talking, therapy. I watched 4 people go through this and die in the last 6 years. I'm still in daily pain. I can't take anymore. But I know this doesn't make sense. My vivid dreams get more vivid daily. I also have a history of what you mentioned and SH (sorry don't want to trigger anyone)
Thank you all so much for replying.

I just want to explain one of the family members who died was my aunt who was only 13 years older than me. We grew up like sisters. My mum and I used to speak several times a day. My aunt and I too. I loved them so much. I am bereft, they were my rocks, I have few friends and no work colleagues. It's like everything has been ripped away.

Hi OP, I’m similar to you that I have had bad experiences in the past with MH services but there is hope. There are new ADs which I’m sure you haven’t tried and new combination treatments with low dose antipsychotics in combination with AD for treatment resistant depression. Please don’t despair. Reach out for help

@Shonainthecastle thank you.
My doctor was suggesting hrt, I don't know if she'll be able to address both? I sometimes had bad side effects when starting new meds, brain zaps and stomach pains or tiredness, but my mum used to be able to help out with school runs until I leveled out. My son was late for school every single day the week before half term because it took so much to get out of bed and out of the house. I cried all the way home each time. My daughter did some afternoon pick ups but she has to be at her laptop in the morning and I couldn't ask more of her anyway. So I'm worried about that because there's no other support. It's only after 3 and I want to go back to bed.

I tried to call the nhs but too scared. My heart is racing and I shaking.

They are used to people struggling to speak to them so don’t worry about how you will come across on the phone. If you can’t manage it, then would it help for your DD to ring and speak to them and then hand the phone over to you?

How are you now @RedSuedeCherries?

@RedSuedeCherries

Don't underestimate the impact grief is having here. Grief for a mother is a killer. I know. It's one of the most emotionally devastating life moments. And you say you've had 4 other deaths. Grief takes a lot of time to ease - sometimes 3 to 5 years - and it can be a huge cause of deep sadness. I feel it's wrong to call grief pain depression because although it can look like that it isn't at all. It's grief. It's normal and it's fucking bleak and painful. New death triggers old grief as well - it's like compound interesting building and building.

First question - have you properly processed your grief or has your family situation prevented that? If not, get yourself onto a waiting list (as there normally are waiting times) for grief counselling - via Cruse or local grief counselling services. Call cruse as well in your ultra dark moments as they have a helpline. There also Mind helplines and mental health charity helplines if you just feel you need someone to speak to.

If you are adding caring for your child on top of that with your other issues you are probably exhausted.

Can you in any way engineer a break for yourself of 2 days/2 nights where you can get away, maybe stay in a hotel and catch up on sleep and get a bit of distance? It may sound daft but a break, a change of scene and some proper rest will help ease the most dark part of your feelings. Could your 22 your old look after the 9 year old for 48 hours? If not, does the 9 year old have any friends where he could stay overnight? A short break will also give you time to focuse on yourself, think about what help you need and where to get it. Right now when you are in the centre of the storm you feel like nothing will help but a bit of perspective gained from just Stopping and pausing is a huge thing when you feeling you are are so drowning.

For that crisis moment, one thing that was suggested to me was sucking on a lime or a lemon. It's a weird thing but it helps shift you for some reason.

Beyond that, the things others have suggested here are good.

Regarding HRT I guess it may depend on local practice, but I got mine literally with a 5 minute phone consultation with a nurse. I'm sure that wherever you are it does not have to involve a hospital , do speak to GP and find out the options because the peri symptoms are one thing you should be able to bring under control.

Could you be in burn out? look into that... Start looking after yourself even just in little ways. Small joys add up eventually. Sorry I cant be much more help. Self help techniques. Prayer if that's your thing. We all exist for a reason, sometimes we lead quiet lives but they are still meaningful. You are not alone.

Could you be in burn out?

I agree that this sounds like being burnt out which is why I was suggesting a day or two break but I didn't articulate it in such a good way. That is why a break even a short one will help you here because it's a known assist in a burn out situation.