Losing My Mind Please Someone Help

[RedSuedeCherries]

Please can anyone help me. At an all time low. I will try to be brief. Long history of depression since teenage years - I'm 48 now. Currently it's 18 months since my mum died. Grief is killing me. Menopause symptoms are making my fibro 100 x worse. It's half term and my 9 year old has been nowhere since Friday because I am exhausted, aching, stomach pain, hot and cold, brain fog. In bed crying uncontrollably, raging the next, trying to hide my from him because he worries. Pure dread on waking up again every day. My 22 year old probably fed up with my feebleness and having to help out. Both of them have SN and we are overcrowded in a 2 bedroom flat. I'm failing them. I can't breathe. Terrified of and fed up with hospitals (so how can I access hrt?) - years of no help with fibro, and 4 family members dead in 6 years - endless hospitals, doctors, tests, all ending in 'nothing we can do' (fibro) or death (cancer). Family obliterated by death so no support. Kids father useless. Need my mum more than ever. No career as constantly on and off with fibro for years. Now menopause. My future looks like more of the same medical issues, no purpose, nothing but existing. I wanted to to retrain - how is this possible? Feels like a joke. Feel 48 going on 70. I am steadily parting with reality, I can feel it. I feel like I need to be hospitalised, I literally couldn't anyway as I have no one for my children. I don't even know what help I'm asking for. But any help/advice/suggestions please I would really appreciate it. My thoughts are so dark and despairing I am truly desperate.
Thank you.

I couldn't make the phone call. I was lying down for a bit but I can tell my son is worrying, kept coming in to bedroom so I've got up and had some soup. I don't want to worry him or my daughter more. I might try to see if I can message my doctor but I don't know when or if I can get an appointment. I can't separate out the grief, fibro and menopause they overlap and confuse me I don't know where to start. I'm still scared of everything and getting wary of nights between the heat, tossing and turning, rage washing over me even at night, vivid dreams sometimes really dark and the exhaustion and despair of the morning another day again. I worry in overdrive when I'm away from my children, I wouldn't get any rest - my daughter still breaks down sometimes. I'm going to look up what burn out is. Thank you all so much for the replies I am sorry that my posts don't make much sense.

My advice is treat it like the grief is the main problem and the other stuff is added weight. You do need to see your doctor and keep posting here if it's helpful and if it makes you feel less alone. We are out here and people do care.

Grief affects sleep very much and if you are tired everything is much worse.

Your posts do make sense btw - don't worry. I've had the sort of feelings you are having and its horrible feeling so overwhelmed with it all but it will pass.

Maybe focus on one task a day to work towards feeling better - tomorrow contact your doctor

on Friday contact Cruse or your local bereavement counselling centre whether that's by email or filling in a form or calling. cruse can sometimes be difficult to get through to so early - mid- morning maybe better

O

Thank you all so much. I'm very scared for how overwhelmed I feel at night. I'm going to try and focus and calm down my heart keeps racing my stomach in knots. So guilty about the rubbish half term my son must be having it's Thursday tomorrow he's done nothing exciting just cuddle on sofa when I'm not crying or too hot, so boring for him.

Hi, I'm so sorry you're going through this. That's such a traumatic situation to be in. I can't imagine how devastating your grief must be, let alone with fibro and menopause having the additional physical and mental impact. HRT can absolutely help get some symptoms under control - I'm in early menopause and the anxiety has been awful, especially at night when every thought and physical symptom is amplified. HRT has supported me to come through some feelings of absolute helplessness. Whereabouts do you live? There might be people nearby that could offer some friendship or groups you could join for social and emotional support. I'm in Chester and we have a couple of mental health cafes here. Really try and ring the crisis line as overwhelming as it might feel. Other services include: Text "SHOUT" to 85258 to contact the Shout Crisis Text Line or Call tel:116123 116 123 to talk to Samaritans, or email: [email protected] for a reply within 24 hours. Texting might feel more manageable at times? My kids have seen me have panic attacks and struggle - there's no avoiding it but I'm open with them about it. A cuddle on the couch on a bad day is still showing up for them with love.

@Keshy thank you for the reply, I thought it was me feeling the nights were so much worse. Thank you for the links, I'll try to reach out. Just feeling so scared and confused. I don't always feel rational at night? I'm in London. I've got a couple of friends, a couple of others have moved away, even when I am on a more even keel my work was solo so no colleagues. I've never been on Facebook or anything like that and didn't even think of groups in my area. A bit daunting to be honest as I generally am quite introverted - I wish I was feeling good enough to walk around a gallery by myself, or go for long drive with my kids. But it's an idea I'll have a look online. I am definitely going to try and get going with the hrt if possible as never tried before. I was and still am worried about side effects though but how can it possibly get worse? Thank you for saying that about the cuddle too. I really do love my kids.

@AFlowerInTheDark thank you. I am going to leave a message for my doctor in the morning.

Oh op! I really feel for you. Please don’t underestimate the affect perimenopause can have on you. I’ve thankfully not suffered will MH but from age 42-49 I was utterly hopeless. I cried, I ranted, I felt there was no purpose in my life and many, many other symptoms. I have never felt so mentally and physically awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I am on HRT now and I’m happy and feel totally different.

I hope you get sorted and you can do something with you son and daughter when you’re feeling better. They love their mum and you’re their world, don’t ever think otherwise.

You're really amazing for reaching out to people. Honestly, the nights are the worst, to the point that I've developed an almost fear of going to bed. A specific brand of magnesium (Welgard Mag 1200) has helped me get to sleep a lot quicker and therefore stopped it getting even worse. I've also had weird vivid dreams when at my worst. Trip CBD oil also calms my brain down. But every single feeling in my body can trigger me and there isn't the noise of the world to shut it out at night. We don't live close, but I'd be happy to chat any time via here, phone, message, or email, as it can massively help to have someone to talk to when the going gets rough. I have a few friends that have seen me mid panic attack and seen the resulting emotional distress and just knowing they are there for me if needed is so reassuring. Your GP can hopefully help with getting you the right support for your grief, fibro, and menopause and one day you will get to the end of the day and realise you've felt a little bit better ❤️

It really does sound like you’ve been through so much and are really struggling. There are lots of different mental health medications other than antidepressants that could help you. I’m really sorry you are going through this, it seems like it’s unbearable for you. Have you ever been offered any trauma counselling or therapy for your ptsd? The link between it and fibromyalgia is strong, and I’m wondering if you could reduce your ptsd symptoms it might relieve some of your fibromyalgia symptoms too? I’m not saying that it’s definitely what’s happening for you, but something worth you thinking about?

I know it’s not easy to speak up for yourself and seek help when you are so low (physically and emotionally), so it might be worth looking to see if any local mental health charities (such as MIND) offer any mental health advocacy services to help you get the support you need.

There is other help too, like I said, an adult social care needs assessment could be helpful. Especially if your daughter is acting as your carer. They could look into carer’s allowance for her or PIP for you if you don’t already get it? They could offer social support for your kids in the form of groups for young carers or for the younger one support because they have disabled parent.

The more support you have around you, the easier things will be for you all.

I also want to add that I don’t want my post to seem like it’s minimising your grief. As a PP said, grief especially for a mum can turn your whole being upside down, especially if you were close and she was helping practically. But you’ve lost other people too and that will be compounding everything.

Can I just say too, that in your reply to me you worried about triggering other people. Even in the depths of your despair you are thinking about others - that says to me what a lovely, wonderful person you are. And the fact you found the strength to get up, have some soup and hug your little one says to me you are stronger and braver than you might realise.

Hello again,
I just wanted to say I have a phone appointment with my doctor this evening. I had a bit better night with symptoms, I think there's a monthly pattern where things peak? Has anyone experienced this? Still vivid dreams but I was so exhausted anyway.
@StarDolphins @Keshy @FlyingUnicornWings thank you for the advice and kind words, it means a lot.

omg you poor thing. Grief for your mother and others is horrendous (mine still going after 10 years, feels the same but you learn different ways of living with it). However, menopause floored me, in so many ways like you describe, HRT was such a god send, you'd have to wrestle it off me now! No amount of side effects (don't really get any) would make me want to go back to being reduced to a gibbering wreck with being boiling hot/sweating/freezing cold all the time, lack of sleep, extreme anxiety/racing heart, complete & utter brain fog/confusion, joint pain, anger, and more. Apart from HRT also needed to change all bedding and clothing to cotton or linen. Some GPs aren't sympathetic or experienced in this so don't give up. With everything else you have going on, peri-menopause symptoms are the easiest to deal with via meds and will give you breathing space to deal with everything else. All in just my opinion of course.