Daughter with eating disorder/depression - will she ever get better?

[Prospect22]

My daughter (now 18), has been struggling with a binge eating disorder for 5 years. She kept it completely hidden from me until last year, when the depression and anxiety it caused got too much for her, and she finally opened up about it. She was using alcohol has a crutch to cope in social situations, and more recently has started to self harm. She has been getting professional help for her mental health since she opened up about her issues last year (CBT, psychiatrist, referral to CAMHS, is on Fluoxetine). Her attendance at school has been extremely poor but they have been very supportive, and she goes in when she can, as well as being supported by private tutors at home. Having peeled back the layers, the psychiatrist feels that her issues all stemmed from the Covid lockdowns and the lack of structure and routine during the homeschooling months. I am just wondering how other mums have coped if their teens have struggled with similar mental health issues? Sometimes I feel that she's never going to get better, and I am very frightened on what the future may bring. Does anyone on here have positive stories to share?! Is there light at the end of this very long dark tunnel?

I can't say for definite because every case is different, but I think there could be light at the end of the tunnel. Your post could have been written about me at 18. I stopped self harming at 19, and whilst I very, very occasionally binge/purge it's been a long while since it has been a regular feature in my life.
I have kids, a good job and a fantastic relationship. I'm a bit damaged, but who isn't? And I like to think it gives me empathy and shapes my character rather than hindering me these days. My heart goes out you you and your dd

At 18 I had anorexia which turned into bulimia, depression, anxiety, self harm, an alcohol problem and frequently suicidal.

Since then I have obtained a 1st class degree, worked in 3 big name companies, got a PhD gone on to have a successful career until redundancy last year. I met my partner at 18 and we have been together nearly 20 years we are in a civil partnership and have 2 children. I have been able to make friends in every stage of life although I'm not a person with a large social circle.

I have however continued to have mental health problems. I was diagnosed with bipolar in my mid 20s and that has explained a lot. A lot of the self destructiveness was because I couldn't understand why I was struggling with life. I am sensitive to the changes in day light as soon as it's the end of August beginning of September my mood drops and this always coincided with going back to school and bam life became really difficult. For me the issues started way back when I was about 8 but I was way way too young to be naming anything. From 13/14 things got hard and that was when I started with the self harm and eating stuff.

Food is still something that troubles me at times but I have maintained a normal weight for most of the last 20 years and the bingeing took a bit longer to crack but it's been infrequent since about 20 and not at all since 30. I haven't had issues with alcohol since being about 21 and haven't self harmed since 19-20. I still have depression, post partum is always a tricky time for me but I've learnt so much over the years and now I'm much better at articulating my feelings, getting support and engaging with that and not self destructive behaviours.

Yes there is hope.

i was the same at that age and so were both of my kids. We all have our struggles but live “normal” lives since late teens/early 20s

I knew someone who was anorexic in her teens and in her 20s looked like she ate normally. I have no idea if she had any set backs though or what treatment she had.

Is it caused by wanting to be thin or wanting control?

I used to be anorexic, for me it was because everything else in my life felt so out of control, it was the one thing I felt I had control over. CBT really helped me as it made me realise, I didn't have to believe every thought I had and that somtimes, our brain isn't our friend and it lies to us

I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD a few years later and was really surprised to see eating disorders are really common in ND females

I am so sorry to hear you had struggles too, and thank you for sharing them with me. I am really glad to hear life has got so much better and positive for you. It's been so interesting reading the comments on my post and hearing experiences from the 'other side of the fence'. As a mum I am finding it incredibly hard to navigate through, not knowing if my daughter is ever going to get better. She repeatedly says that having someone to talk to online who has had a similar experience and has come out the other side would help her so much. She feels very lonely despite all the therapy which at the moment doesn't seem to be helping!

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I am really grateful, and I am so glad to hear that as time has gone on you have been able to manage things more. I hope things continue in a positive direction for you and wish you all the best for the future.

This is so good to hear! It's interesting to hear that both you and your children have had struggles in the past, but so glad you are now all out the other side!

It's about wanting to be in control - my daughter has body dismorphia but it seems to be more complex than just that. I am glad CBT helped you - it did help my daughter to a certain extent but recently she seems to have hit a brick wall, so we are looking into pyschotherapy as an alternative treatment, as her emotional regulation is extremely poor. I do wonder whether she has some form of undiagnosed ADHD but I am constantly fobbed off when I question this. She does have moderate/severe Dyslexia.

She will get better, OP. But bear in mind that it’s quite unlikely that she’ll ever be “normal” again — a lot of it is about compromise and coping mechanisms. I was anorexic, bulimic, purging-anorexic, you name it, between about 16 and 22. I still managed to get a BA, master’s and PhD and be generally happy. I will always remember how my dad respected my neuroses by showing me what he was cooking and letting me measure and calculate the calories in my portion. I’ve now been a normal weight for most of my adult life. I do panic about certain foods but I just avoid them and that’s ok. Sometimes I panic and throw up because I’ve changed my mind about whether I can mentally handle what I’ve eaten. But I’m a functional adult human.

Oh — and I have adult-diagnosed ADHD.

Thank you so much to you all for sharing your stories - it's not easy for anyone to open up about their mental health struggles and I am really grateful for your views. I constantly struggle with the following dilemma which I would be so grateful for advice on.

As we have blocked our daughter's bank card to prevent her shopping for food, and have locked everything away (alcohol and food), she has started to ask that I buy her junk food on demand when she feels emotionally unstable. If I don't give in, she screams, shouts and starts physically destroying things around the house, trying to break into locked cupboards and says she'll self harm etc. It is an incredibly stressful and highly charged situation to cope with on a regular basis, and is having a terrible effect emotionally on her younger sibling.

If I give in to her food demands, she then binge eats, and doesn't want to go to the gym for days on end afterwards as she feels so physically and mentally awful - and so this destructive cycle continues, and the negative behaviour patterns are reinforced. The relationship between me and my daughter has become incredibly strained.

To date no mental health professionals have ever been able to give me clear, practical advice on how to deal with this problem. The question I am desperate for an answer to is does one simply surrender to buying the food and let her suffer the consequences, or keep trying to discourage her and not give in?

Your dd can DM me and I'd be happy to message her if that will help

Thank you so much for taking the time to message. Yes I agree that coping mechanisms are really important - finding strategies to deal with food noise are crucial for her at the moment. I'm so glad to hear your dad was supportive. Unfortunately my daughter's dad doesn't 'do' mental health issues, and has been completely useless in trying to help - doesn't understand and doesn't want to know - and in fact if anything he's probably compounded her issues further. It's incredibly hard.

That's incredibly kind - thank you! I will mention it to her and see if she would like to get in touch. She's had a really bad evening so I will wait until tomorrow before mentioning it. Thanks so much again!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/5334326-support-thread-14-for-parents-of-young-people-with-an-eating-disorder?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

There are a few of us over here if you want to join for support

I had compassion focussed variant of CBT which helped me. I have also done compassion focussed therapy although I didn't find that helpful.

One of the things that has given me the key to behaviours is want Vs need. Do I want to sit and eat that bag of crisps or do I need to eat anything, everything.

As hard as it is to see her engaging in destructive behaviours it might not necessarily be helpful to be completely blocking her access to food. It is really really positive that she asking you. There are two things that are common in eating disorders and that is secrecy and its fulfilling a need. Right now it is a crutch for her and at the moment there is a degree at least of openness between the two of you. The path through is about reducing the need to binge and that in turn will reduce the binging. Creating too high a barrier means that you are more likely to get the food in secret and/or to look for other coping methods which may be better/worse.

That is not to say that you should give open access too food and buy everything requests. Just highlighting the balance. It is probably worth talking to her on a good day and talk about what would be helpful in those circumstances. When she is asking you to buy the foods what is it she needs from you? Distraction - what would this look like? Someone to talk to? Distractions that involve the hands are good. It's hard to eat when your hands are busy. It might be something like introducing delaying tactics or bringing in time frames and keep extending them.

What role is the gym playing? It's not unusual to use exercise for control too.

For me I never got free by looking at never engaging in behaviours again. I started by working on reducing the things that would drive me to need them. This is how I went from daily to weekly to monthly or rarely.

I’m sorry for what you and your daughter are going through. It’s slightly unorthodox but one thing that my psychiatrist did when I was recovering from anorexia and binge eating a lot was to ‘allow’ me a certain number of binges per week. At first it was three and then it reduced over a few weeks. It was helpful because it sometimes made me stop and think as to whether I wanted to binge or if I wanted to ‘save’ my binge and by giving me permission, he removed some of the secrecy and shame around it. The other crucial part is to eat regularly and not restrict eating at all as that is what often drives a binge.

Thank you I have posted a message on there.

@Prospect22
My daughter saw a therapist/dietician for her binge eating. The therapist said she had to eat 3 meals and 2 to 3 snacks everyday and one of her snacks would be a small dessert. This removes the idea of banned foods. I have really wanted to take away DDs bank card etc but really couldn't. She has a small part time job and it is her money after all.
It worry a lot as DD is very overweight and hates her body but there is absolutely nothing I can do. I have stopped insisting she eat healthy or go to the gym. It really has to come from her.
Xx

Many thanks for getting in touch - this is an interesting approach - fighting fire with fire! I might mention it to my daughter's psychiatrist. I'm so glad that it worked for you!

Many thanks for your message. My daughter recently had a consultation with a nutritionist to give her some confidence back around food, and found it really helpful. She does a food plan every day which does help. I totally agree that at the end of the day it has to come from them wanting to change their habits, but I have found it so hard watching my daughter self sabotage on a daily basis.

Many thanks for your thoughts and advice - much appreciated. I will weave some of this into our chats when she is in a calm frame of mind. She loves the gym and ideally would like to be going every other day. The exercise basically 'puts the fire out' on the food urges - however if she's had a binge she then feels awful and doesn't want to go to the gym for days, so she's in a constant repetitive cycle of self destruction.

Many teens recover from binge eating, anxiety, and self-harm with the right support.
The fact she opened up and is in treatment is a strong, hopeful sign.
Healing is slow, but there truly is light ahead.

The most important thing to understand about eating disorders is that the problem isn't the food whether that's bingeing or restricting or other behaviours. They are the symptoms. The problem is whatever it is that is causing her to feel like these are the solutions.

I have a 5 yo and she can be a like a shaken bottle of fizzy drink at times. I went along to a session on emotions the school put on and they spoke about how when a person has become dysregulated that this is not the time for discussion and negotiation. They need time and space to calm down and then once they are back to baseline you can talk about what happened and discuss how it arose and what you can do.

I'd be careful about using the link between her bingeing and then not going to the gym as reasons for not bingeing. I understand that you won't necessarily be using the same words here as you would to her. It could be seen that it is reinforcing the idea that she is right to not go to the gym after bingeing and also that she needs to go to the gym in the first place.

The other thing that is important to remember is she didn't get like this over night. It slowly creeps in until you don't really know where the start was and even what is you and what is the eating disorder. It can take a lot of untangling and it's something that you have to keep facing day after day.

Do you have much insight into what tips her over into needing to binge and what role the bingeing is fulfilling? For me it was in part a coping mechanism for the depression I didn't feel like I could control but also it became my default method so the bar for needing to engage in behaviours got lower and lower by the point that it was almost habitual. Freeing myself from it was in part breaking the habit for that to be my go to for a bad day and also working on improving the days so less were bad