Family estrangement

[shoppey]

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with your family cutting you out of their life? I never did anything to justify it. It’s been two months now and I’m not sleeping and crying through the night. I now have no immediate family apart from my husband and two kids. I’m worried anything happens to my mother as she’s very old and I don’t get the chance to ever see her again.

They have also cut contact with my children.

Are you sure it is deliberate?

Yes I’ve been told I am no longer part of their life.

I am in a similar position although it has been a few years nc its still hard and hurtful but it gets easier over time you just learn to accept it

do you know why they have gone nc with you?

Who has cut you out @shoppey? Has your mother done this or are other relatives preventing you from contacting her?

My mother has cut me off with the other relatives following suit. I said I was sick of always being compared to my brother. Literally that was it. I think I’m feeling it more for my children. It’s so hard and I just don’t know how to cope with it.

@shoppeydo you think you could talk to your dm. What was your relationship like with her before

No I’ve tried to talk but just get shouted at and told I’m a horrible person. I’ve always been there for her helping in the house and taking her out but I always knew there was a bit of favouritism. It very clear I’m not welcome anymore.

I’m sorry @shoppey. You told her something true that she didn’t want to hear, and she’s angry. Parents don’t want to be told that they haven’t treated their children equally, because they know it’s wrong.

Perhaps wait a while and then reach out to her again? I imagine that she’ll be realizing how much you’ve been there for her now that you’re no longer helping her.

@Spendysishow did you cope initially if you don’t mind me asking please? I work full time and I’m worried the lack of sleep and stress is going to affect my work

Something similar happened to me a few years back, (short story, otherwise would last hours) brother (aka golden balls) came back in her life after decades of hardly any contact. She had had me running about after her for 50 years and I eventually snapped and told her she treated me like a skivvy and him like royalty. She'd expect me to take her shopping, chores, constant mithering phone calls but he just swanned in and got waited on and money thrust at him. (He had always bullied me as a child and we hadnt had much contact since but he thought that he could come back in my life and boss me around again) 😡Both cut me off, made me ill for months but the peace is actually wonderful once you get over the initial unfairness and hurt.

All I can suggest which helped me is be kind to yourself, relaxing baths with lavender oil or whatever de stresses you and try some self cognitive behavioural therapy, I've got quite good at forcing my brain to stop thinking about it in the middle of the night. If your going down that road, imagine a turn off and take it and think about anything else, boring stuff like shopping lists or what I'm cooking the next day did it for me to get to sleep. I also changed the ring tone on my phone as the sound gave me a physical reaction every time it went. Anything you can think of that reduces your stress whilst you recover. 💐

If you have tried to talk to her and got nowhere then unfortunately you have to respect her wishes of nc

i refused to let dsis ruin my life any further by making me ill and miserable or by losing my job. I do have a supportive dh and 2 young adult dc who dsis is also nc with. Dsis went nc with us when it came to light she was stealing from dm despite being bailed out financially numerous times all her adult life and i refused to do an equity release on dm house. So she had dm removed me a poa probably had her change her will and has made it incredibly difficult for me and my dc dm only gc to see dm

I hope you are ok op night time really is the worst time for overthinking i used nytol and practised a self care routine bath skincare etc i did initially get signed off sick with stress and prescribed sleeping tablets but found the routine of work rather than ruminating over things more beneficial to my mental health

Thank you. I was at the nurse today as my blood pressure is through the roof and I’ve to go for an ecg. I’ve also been referred to the mental health team so hopefully things may get easier in time. I’m just so tired and hurt.

have you considered nhs talking therapy as well op. I registered and was offered and appointment fairly quickly but didn’t go through with it as my situation is complex due to financial abuse opg briefly the police and adult ss have been involved it’s stressful and they all just pass the buck to each other the only option now is to report to the police and I don’t want to report to the police for my own mental wellbeing and was worried they would report what I told them. I will look to getting therapy when dm passes

I wish you well it’s an awful situation to be in I don’t actually want anything to do with dsis after what she has done the last few years but it’s still difficult that she could do this to me and and my dc when we were so close before

It’s okay to feel hurt this is a real loss.
Send one simple message saying you love them and your door is open, then give it space.
Hold close your husband and kids.

If the nights stay this hard, please talk to a doctor.

She'll need you before you need her @Spendysis

I don't talk to my two sisters anymore
I have a feeling that it can't really be fixed. I just never would have expected this. Life can be sad like that sometimes

Just to say thank you to everyone who has commented on this. Sometimes as sad as it is that others have and are going through similar situations, it does help to know you are not alone. ❤️

Thank you I will look into nhs talking therapy and I do hope that you are okay after dealing with this for so long x

@JacknDiane I don’t doubt that we did a lot for her. She won’t contact me as she believes her own lies and is never wrong

she has form for cutting people off she cut off one of her best friends when the friend got a partner and then got married for years claiming she had ditched her for a fella. Dsis got back in touch years later when she had a boyfriend if you could actually call him that long distance relationship online dating turned out to be after her money that she doesn’t have. I met up with the best friend who was like another older sister to me and her side of the story was very different she desperately tried to stay in touch and missed us all

It’s to late for me and dsis to rebuild our relationship I can forgive the money side of things not that it’s done her much good her house that she has spent a fortune on and getting into debt is up for sale and I believe she is moving into dm house as she had an interest only mortgage and was relying on her inheritance to pay it off and dm has most inconveniently not passed away yet. What I can’t forgive is what she has done to dm she has restricted her access to me and my now young adult dc her only dgc dm was a big part of their lives as was dsis and i don’t want to know anyone or be associated with anyone who could do that

A couple of years ago I had a serious bad fall out with several members of my family and we all went no contact. I was devastated by the argument and what happened, and losing my brother and sister and niece. For weeks, I woe up every day and just cried. I now talk to my brother and niece. I was talking to my sister but something else has come up and we're not really talking. And now six or seven months ago I had a really bad fallout with my other sister.

It's strange for me, because I am the middle child and I never used to get involved with my siblings and mothers drama and I was always fine with every one well apart from my mother.

I am considering writing a letter to my other sister, not yet as I'm not ready but maybe in a few months. I want to be able to know that at least I tried

A couple of years ago I had a serious bad fall out with several members of my family and we all went no contact. I was devastated by the argument and what happened, and losing my brother and sister and niece. For weeks, I woe up every day and just cried. I now talk to my brother and niece. I was talking to my sister but something else has come up and we're not really talking. And now six or seven months ago I had a really bad fallout with my other sister.

It's strange for me, because I am the middle child and I never used to get involved with my siblings and mothers drama and I was always fine with every one well apart from my mother.

I am considering writing a letter to my other sister, not yet as I'm not ready but maybe in a few months. I want to be able to know that at least I tried

@shoppeynot sure if you have resolved things with dm or not but thinking of you and everyone else on this thread today

@Spendysisthank you, no I haven’t resolved things. Hope you are okay today too. I did send a Mother’s Day card but didn’t receive a reply and not expecting one to be honest.