Struggling with self blame and hatred. Fed up of carrying these burdens

[Helplessandheartbroke]

Im so upset and with myself. I have an amazing ds whos non verbal/autistic. I blame myself. Was it because I had gestational diabetes? Was it because I didnt take him to a&e when he had a nasty bump on his head? Have i failed him? This is part of it. I blame myself for my ddog being pts. Did I cause his illness etc. I had a breakdown with all this 2 years ago but got myself better, or so I thought. Im failing my married because of how I feel all the time. Had ds bump checked after the fact (like a couple of weeks when it became apparent the was a mark left) and told by pediatrician, 2 docs at GP surgery and an a&e Dr that its fine and normal etc but here i am 4 years on wondering what if....

I really hope you can get some talking therapy soon. The waiting list in my area is 4 months, so could you afford to go privately?

One small thing that helps me with this kind of negative spiral talk is making my own mantras and reading them to myself every morning. I know mine off by heart now. Firstly, write down what the bully voice is telling you (e.g. you were neglectful/ didn't care enough to take him to A&E), and then turn it around (e.g. I am a diligent mother and I meet my son's needs). Or "my child is unique and I am perfectly matched to them". I obviously don't know what your bully voice says to you. But get a list of say 5 opposite, positive mantras and read these to yourself when you feel that mean voice surfacing. It's not a cure, but it could help just a bit. It sounds like you know that you didn't cause his condition, but that the niggling voice won't go away.

@LovelyJubblycoco im so sorry youre going through this and your ds. It is difficult trying to make sense of it all and we as mums do carry the weight of the world dont we.

@WDWY thank you, that's a good idea. Ill try this. My friend said to me tonight 'youre a good person with a little devil in your head' such a good way to put it like you with the bully. When I say it out loud I know it sounds daft but when I look at his little marks I feel

Hey sorry to bore but im still very much struggling and been on Google tonight making my anxiety 100 times worse and convinced myself must be a skull fracture due to indent 😥ds saw GP today for illness so asked again, again told not to worry. Easier said that done. I've booked in with GP on friday and had my talking therapy appointment through today too. I just feel sick and can't stop crying and feeling like the worse mum in the world