Struggling with self blame and hatred. Fed up of carrying these burdens

[Helplessandheartbroke]

Im so upset and with myself. I have an amazing ds whos non verbal/autistic. I blame myself. Was it because I had gestational diabetes? Was it because I didnt take him to a&e when he had a nasty bump on his head? Have i failed him? This is part of it. I blame myself for my ddog being pts. Did I cause his illness etc. I had a breakdown with all this 2 years ago but got myself better, or so I thought. Im failing my married because of how I feel all the time. Had ds bump checked after the fact (like a couple of weeks when it became apparent the was a mark left) and told by pediatrician, 2 docs at GP surgery and an a&e Dr that its fine and normal etc but here i am 4 years on wondering what if....

If, somehow, it was proven 100% that you have no blame and nothing to feel guilty about with both your son and your dog, would you believe it?

Hey thanks so much for responding to me again. You've helped a lot prior. I've had 4 doctors tell me im not to blame for ds so I guess not

Can you try giving yourself compassion as you would to a good friend?

Hey thanks so much for responding. I've tried this and its what got me through last time but its not working right now. Im scared to lose it all again completely

I wonder if writing it down every day will help? When I was revising for exams (as an older person), the only way things would stay in my memory was me writing them down repeatedly. It fixed it in my head if that makes sense.

So think about what these feelings are doing now. Are they changing anything in the past? Are they adding anything to the present? Or are they potentially robbing you of happiness for the future? By hating and blaming yourself you simply (and deliberately, although you don't realise it) sabotaging your own peace of mind and the possibility of accepting things for exactly what they are, today.

Forgive me if you've seen this analogy before (it's a favourite!).

When we want to weigh out ingredients to cook something, we place a bowl on the scales and hit the zero button so that the weight of the bowl does not confuse our calculations. Then we add the ingredients and the numbers go up; were we to remove the bowl, the scales would read a minus number. To continue weighing anything accurately we must hit the button to zero the scales once more, now the bowl isn’t there.

When we have a tragedy in our life we can be plunged into depression because our happiness levels now read a minus. Any attempt to improve our life would result in slightly less of a minus... but a minus all the same. Depression is when we don’t see any way of getting back to zero. A person’s ability to move on from tragedy depends entirely on their ability to adapt to where they are now and to
effectively ‘zero the scales’.

If we can accept where we are today we can start to once again build on our happiness levels. Our scales are neutral, so any joy you can find in life is going to take you into positivity.

Human beings are, in fact, excellent at resetting the scales and adapting to new circumstances (we do it every time we improve our situation or circumstances but very quickly take that for granted).

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent but the most responsive to change”,

Charles Darwin.

It would help if I could turn back time and do things different so that won't happen. I've been told writing things down may help by a therapist prior but I fear it will heighten things by keep reminding myself if that makes sense

I meant writing down how to be more compassionate with yourself.

@Eyesopenwideawake love that and it makes a lot of sense. I am depriving myself of happiness as I dont feel I deserve it. Im not suicidal as I know ds needs me in his life and I want to be there but by being this miserable I know is helping noone. I will be trying to reset the scales. Just wish I could stop crying!

I've done a self referral to talking therapy today, will ring GP in the morning

Struggling today :(

I don't have anything useful to add but to say you are not alone. I have a ds who is autistic and has learning difficulties, he's a teenager now. I regularly think back to when I was pregnant and when he was little. There are about 5 things I did/happened that I worry may have caused his difficulties. I think it's part of being a parent to feel guilt for anything that happens to your child. But as pp said, worrying about things in the past doesn't change the present so I try to push these thoughts away. I think talking things through with a therapist will help you.

Hey thanks so much for your reply. Im obsessing over this bump he had and feel sick for not going to a&e. Whilst doing this I've noticed another little indent when he bumped heads with ddog whos tooth caught him. Tiny bit of blood and a bruise and dh adamant didnt need to go to a&e and as im an overthinker i listened to him but now 4 years on convinced myself its these head bumps that are causing what hes going through and I hate myself. I just dont know how to shake it. Theyre so precious to us aren't they. I have self referred to talking therapies and I've been trying to get in GP to no avail. Did you speak to anyone about your worries?

No, haven't spoken to anyone about them. I'm also an over thinker. But I think it's just us trying to make sense of things and have an explanation, when in reality sometimes these things can't be explained. In our family's case autism is genetic, but even though I know that now, I'm still worried something I did caused him to have more profound difficulties. I've managed to stop from spiraling about it, but did go on antidepressants when we were going through the diagnosis process. It's definitely a good idea to speak to your gp (when you can!) there will be help available to help you control these feelings whether that's CBT etc or meds.

@Happycathappylife I really appreciate you sharing. I have spoke to several docs after and all told me hes fine etc but noone convinces me. Its the guilt of not taking him to a&e too I think though I did follow nhs website at the time. How is your ds now hes a teen? My ds is 5 and non verbal. The hardest for me currently is his sleep or lack of. This is also impacting my MH im sure as im constantly exhausted working full time on little sleep

@Happycathappylife I have had cbt in the past too. I think I definitely need to go back on anti depressants. Hope you've got RL support to help you. I finally told dh last night my worries

I love the analogy of the scales, but if we are weighed down by anxiety and sadness, how is it possible to zero them? I don’t see how.
I also have a child, now adult, on the spectrum. Like you, I have gone over and over what I could have done to ‘cause’ it. Was it drinking too much coffee one day when pregnant? Was it vaccinations? On and on. You aren’t alone.

Hey im so sorry you've battled with this too its exhausting. Its good to know im not alone though. Its just not fair is it?! How is your dc now as an adult? Did things get better for them?

Having a child with these difficulties can have a huge impact on mental health and along with the lack of sleep, it's no wonder you are feeling this way. It's good that you've been able to share how you are feeling with your dh. As pp has also shown, I think trying to find an explanation - what did I do - is something many of us go through.

@Helplessandheartbroke I get that you want answers and that you want life to be 'fair' but life is random and things happens for no reason, no purpose and there's nothing anyone can do about it. There are no answers that will ever change the past.

This may sound harsh but you need to heard it. You can either continue to wallow in self inflicted and needless guilt about the things which have befallen you, which will likely destroy your marriage and and rob you of any future happiness for as long as you keep it up, or you can choose to accept that this is your life and start making it the very best life for you, your son and your family.

Thank you both. Agreed. I know I need to shake this but when I see the marks I just feel guilt and shame and the what ifs constantly set in. I know its doing noone any favours wallowing in self pity and hoping to speak to GP tomorrow to help.

Unfortunately he has decided to cut the whole family off. Mental health issues, being swayed by the current trend for going NC . It’s heart breaking. I think his being on the spectrum is a big factor.

@LovelyJubblycoco im so sorry to hear that it must be really difficult. Can he live independently then? I hope he sees sense soon

He does now but it took many many years of living at home struggling.

I think as mothers we are programmed to take everything on ourselves. We think we are responsible for everything that might go wrong. Sometimes it’s outwith our control and just the way the cards fall. We are naturally as humans always looking for explanations and rational understanding, but acceptance and dealing with the situation as it is now is the only way to move forward.
My son has decided to blame me in particular for the way his life has gone which is especially hard because I have spent my life fighting for his wellbeing. He is trying to oook for explanations too.