Age 66, depressed and tearful. Long post. Please read.

[Suburbanqueen]

Hi everyone

I don't know how to move forward with this. I was with my ex-husband for 32 years, married for 29. 2 adult children. At 58 we had had enough of full time work (big US corporations) and although the marriage had always been very rocky and we had split up once for a year, we had reunited and we decided to move down to the South coast. I had already been suffering with severe, intransigent depression and anxiety. We lived in a lovely house in the London suburb I grew up in. I was worried about the move but the ex was keen to go and we went in 2018. At first it wasn't too bad. We moved into a lovely road, close to a beautiful beach and the neighbours were friendly and sociable.

The problems in the marriage resurfaced of course. He drank secretly and often and he became verbally cruel and embarrassing. When he was sober he was mostly ok. I had had a lifetime of a horrible narcissistic mother who became an abusive alcoholic and him to deal with. I had been very, very unwell in London and had behaved weirdly a few times but I had held down a demanding job and had survived 5 rounds of redundancy. Add in the mix a drug addicted , depressed and anxious adult son (mostly weed) who only worked part time. My ex husband didn't seem to think the drugs were a problem so it was just me who was trying to get him to stop ( didn't work of course). Said son moved down with us and issues continued.

I had masses of counselling, EMDR, DBT and 121 talking sessions which maybe helped a bit but not much. Exh was awful to me there. Ignoring me, drinking, belittling, mocking (only in private) but Covid ramped everything up. I went to work part time but was 'let go' at the end of my probation period in a GP surgery. I then found another job in a different practice and was there 4 years. Ex went to work part time in a hospital in an admin role.
He wanted a divorce and after 3 or 4 retractions of that, in the end he was determined to see it through and we managed to split the assets 50/50 and sell the house at a small loss. He stayed down there as did my son but I wanted to get away because I didn't want to run the risk of bumping into him and any women he may or may not have had. Son moved in with his girlfriend. Ex got the dog, I got the cat. I made the choice to move to Berkshire where my daughter and granddaughter are. It was such a hard decision. I am nearer my lifelong friends in West London but they are all married. Friends and family have been wonderful to me and I am eternally grateful but I have come to a new town where I don't know anyone. I started some voluntary work for a large charity which is mostly fun although I have made any 'friends' there. I also went to a GP surgery again part time. It came to the end of my probation and they terminated my employment saying that I didn't seem happy and had a negative influence on the group. I think my boss there was irritated with me because I asked a lot of questions and challenged her but she spoke to us all like we were just minions instead of people with brains. This happened on Thursday last week

I had been doing quite well mentally and was hoping to come off some of my medication. I am now almost back to how I was at my worst and the most stupid thing was I just wanted to run 'home' and tell my exh. Ridiculous and silly and pretty pathetic. I feel I have no resilience and no backbone. I am so lonely I just don't know what to do. The structure of my week has disappeared and it's a big financial blow. I can survive without the money luckily but I won't be having a riotous time. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep. I just don't care what happens to me anymore. I get some support from my daughter and son in law but I have been told that unless I am stable (I.e. not crying) I won't be able to see my granddaughter whom I adore. I get that they are protecting her but it feels harsh. They never ask if I would like to join them on holiday from time to time and I don't see much of them at weekends or in school holidays. They are angry about money all the time and bang on about how we boomers had it easy. I can't change the way society works and they spend their money quite freely, as is their right of course. I would give up everything I have to feel well and strong. I am so alone now with memories and haunted by ghosts .... by that I mean it's very triggering to look at photos or to remember some of the happier times.

I made many mistakes as a Mum and I have apologised to both kids for those. Exh was in a job which necessitated traveling and he was often away. I rand the house, worked full-time, had an awful mother and did my best. It was hard but nothing Iike as hard as this.
I also had a gynae op and discovered I have herpes (assume from exh), a breast cancer scare, a bowel cancer scare and a knee replacement. I just don't know how to go forward now or even if I can. I can't afford counselling and tbh I am not really sure it helps. My view of myself as an intelligent useful member of society is gone. I can't even hold onto a minimum wage job. I have a mental health review with a GP on Tuesday. I have no idea who the doctor is but nobody can scatter fairy dust and make it all ok.
Can anyone help at all? I am very medicated with antidepressants and Pregabalin. I take Pheneghan and Melatonin at night but I don't sleep much. I miss so much about my old life and I really miss my exh even though he didn't want me. My kids have no time for him and get angry if I say anything good about him and there were some good traits.

Just commenting to send you a hug - there’s a huge amount of loss in your post - your marriage, your settled home, your job, your health security…. It’s not surprising you are at an all time low. It’s great that you are able to reach out here and to your GP for help.
Could you ask the GP about social prescribing? They can refer you to counselling if you think it would help but also things like exercise classes - which would be a boost to mental and physical health but also a way to meet people and start to rebuild your social life. Do you need to work (state pension must kick in soon) or can you widen the net of volunteering to keep you busy?
You clearly are a capable, intelligent person with a lot still to offer but you’ve suffered a series of knocks that would break the strongest person down. Take one positive step towards rebuilding.

Oh op. That sounds tough.

Thoughts, which may be helpful or not. Please do ignore them if not.

Deep breath. You have been through a lot, and life leaves bruises. It's ok to hurt - it can be a route to healing. It still hurts, and you are allowed to feel sad, but try too to develop the habit of feeling grateful too. Once a day try to stop and think. If I have understood your op right:

You have your dd and dgd.
You have your health back after a number of scares.
You still have your volunteering role.
You have friends in London.
You are living debt free and can afford to heat your home.
You have a gp appointment and free healthcare.
There are daffodils out and spring is on its way.

Then look at small things that you can add to your life. Each one won't be the answer on its own, but each one can be a building block to a more structured and happier life. You could try:

A daily walk outside. Start with a simple route, and grab a break in the rain to walk daily for 10 minutes.
Say good morning to 5 people on your walk.
Aim for a weekly swim, or gentle exercise class. Pilates is worth trying.
Check out other volunteering roles, not just as social activities but so that you can genuinely help others. Collecting shopping or prescriptions for someone who can't otherwise get out can make a huge difference to them.
Join your local library and borrow music from them as well as a book. Take them back after a week even if you haven't finished them. It will focus your mind/routine for reading/listening to them.
Check out the free puzzles on Mnet (scroll down to the bottom of the page to find them) and also the free puzzles on the New York Times to do everyday.
Look on Meet-Up for local groups to join - a book group? A rambling group? A church group?
Keep posting on Mnet. The vipers here can be harsh, but they can also be so helpful. And don't feel embarrassed about coming back for more sympathy/advice/chat.

Sending an unmumsnetty hug.

My kids have no time for him and get angry if I say anything good about him and there were some good traits.

They endured a childhood of his addictions and your constant fighting and breaking up. And now you're mithering after the source of their childhood traumas and complaining they don't want to take you on holiday with them.

@op life is undoubtedly tough for women when we find ourselves single after a certain age. The job market is awful, it feels like everyone is paired off (they aren’t), life is crushingly expensive even for couples halving household bills, even the weather is relentlessly bleak.

So, feeling low and demoralised in your situation is perfectly understandable (I’m in a similar boat).

while I haven’t any practical sensible advice, I wanted to send a message of solidarity. I think you are doing better than you think you are. Sometimes we just have to keep on keeping on.

I'm so sorry you had to experience all these negative things.

But you've also achieved so much. If you're not well enough to work then claim UC and or new style ESA and apply for PIP.

Please know that you have plenty of positive characteristics and you are of course a useful member of society.

Try and forget about your ex. Try and get involved in online groups with people who shared your interests, or local face to face events, clubs etc.
I hope things improve for you x

I was going to post almost exactly the same thing.

It sounds like you’ve reached burn out. That’s scary but actually it may be what you need - the only way is up! And not back to the horrid old ex.

I love the first post - look at things to be grateful for.

each day start with the basics. Make your bed. Drink water. Go for a walk…

my mum is fabulous but I would never invite her on holiday. I think it’s rare tbh.

also sounds like your daughter has been honest by saying she’s protecting her own child by making sure you’re stable. That’s a big deal.

You have got divorced,moved house and moved to a new area and started a new job and lost a new job ...all of this fairly recently...anyone made of steel would struggle to not feel down in this situation.
I think ,cut yourself some slack ,you need time to bounce back and time to adapt to your new place where you live .
Definitely start looking for another job .. anything will give you routine and could be a stepping stone to something new .
Definitely take any counselling the doctor offers ,
Are you taking vitamins and drinking plenty of water ..
Have you got some hobbies to keep busy ..what about working for the food bank ..they are usually glad of help
You've done the hard part moving and divorcing ..you just need to look for a better suited job for you x

Nasty comment
If you can't be supportive,why even bother posting

OP I'm sorry you're feeling so low - it sounds like you have really been through the mill, and - despite saying you have no resilience - have picked yourself up again and again.

I don't have many answers but two things jumped out (I'm sorry if they sound critical or harsh, they are intended to help not hurt).

Firstly, it sounds as though you're leaning really heavily on your DD. She's put boundaries around your GD because you can't hold your emotions back when you're around her child - and she's very right to do so.

You mention that you had a narcissistic mother, and sometimes grief/loss/depression can make us behave very self-centredly, to the point of narcissism. Even though we're fundamentally not-narcissistic, the impact on those around us can be similar. Try not to put such an emotional load on your daughter, because that isn't what parents should do to a child, even when they're grown. I think that you will feel another deep loss if she begins to pull away for her own wellbeing.

Secondly, to lose two similar jobs, probably for the same reason, makes me think you're not suited to that kind of work. Unless you can learn to keep your feelings hidden, you'll come up against this again I fear.

In sum - It sounds to me that your past, especially your narcissistic mother and alcoholic husband, have been very traumatic, and the very common result is that you find it very difficult to regulate your emotions and soothe or calm yourself. The horrible and very unfair truth is that this can make you quite a difficult person yourself - and perhaps a little controlling. A vicious circle develops. You feel that you need and are owed support and you panic when that doesn't come in the form you feel you need it in -and this panic makes those around you draw further and further away.

I'm sorry, I don't have time to write more but again, I hope this doesn't sound critical - as I say I think it's pretty common and i've seen these traits in myself, so speak from experience.

I would look for trauma focused psychotherapy (not counselling) and make it very clear that I needed help with emotional regulation. I'd also look into ADHD - I've noticed that it's often present in these situations and while it's definitely not the case that all ADHD is childhood-trauma-related, there does seem to be a link in some cases. (this might explain your problems with keeping your opinions to yourself at work).

Definitely. Leave that ex alone for sure and give yourself a break. X

Reality check. That life was awful for the children and they're now trying to protect their own from some of it whilst the OP focuses on her pain at being away from the source of the trauma. Can't change the past, but she can concentrate upon not making the same mistakes in future - and focusing upon rejection, rather than the fact that they are still trying to accept her despite what the two of them put their children through, is going to destroy the opportunities the OP's children are still giving her.

I am so sorry you are so poorly @Suburbanqueen. I think it's best you don't see your little granddaughter until you are more stable though l am even sorrier to say . I hope you feel much better very soon bless you .

Fuck the count your blessings shit. That doesn’t help when you’re rock bottom depressed. Don’t do it. It will make you feel even more shit for feeling depressed. Like you have no right to feel the way you do. From my perspective you have every right to be depressed. Your life hasn’t been easy and you have been not only fending for yourself but carrying your family as well, it is no wonder you are at breaking point. Any sane person would be.

Depression is indiscriminate. On paper you can have an enviable life and still be crying and miserable every second you are awake.

This is a time where you need to be utterly selfish. I know this will be hard for you because you are probably deathly afraid of becoming your narc mother. Don’t worry, you won’t, there is a difference between emergency self care type of selfishness and narcissism. It’s a put on your oxygen mask first situation.

Fuck society and being useful. You’ve done that your entire life. Sacrificed and made do. Your identity isn’t to be a robot that never needs a break, never needs something back from society.

Now is the time for you to take care of yourself. Don’t give up on therapy, I see it hasn’t helped you much before- well was that because you put yourself last? Or perhaps the therapist were a bit crap? Start some more therapy, and if it isn’t helping, get a different therapist until you find one that gets you, validates your feelings and has some help for you.

Dealing with abusive mother & husband, an addicted son left no time for you, no shoulder for you to lean on. Did you move by your daughter for yourself or because you felt you should?

Dig deep, we have one life to live and it seems to me you have consistently put yourself last. Put yourself first for now. Your daughter is giving you the gift of freedom. She’s not putting demands on you for free childcare. I think she understands you need permission to take care of your shit. Do it.

You need to take care of yourself. You can do this…fight for support with the GP. Keep going. When I was severely depressed my GP referred me 4x to mental health. 3 rejections before my GP got me accepted. Don’t let them say no to you. You matter. You are important.

maybe some different therapy? look up CAT and see if anyone offers it in your area or group analysis. These are more suited than short term therapies for deep seated issues.

Thank you to all of you....even the unnecessarily nasty poster. You all have views which differ and are valid. I do understand my daughter's motives and I don't think she's wrong.......but that still makes it hard to hear.
Yes, working in the NHS is clearly not for me even though the patients loved me. The patients aren't often top priority in a GP Practice.....it's essentially a private business which is there to make money. Anyway, that's irrelevant. I will read and reread your comments. I guess I'm still alive and kicking, albeit weakly. I am very lucky to have such an amazing daughter.

Accepting change as we age is extremely hard. Many of you will be considerably younger and I sat in judgement on my parents and I feel guilt every day. I miss my Dad every day even though he died nearly 30 years ago. The arrogance of youth.....

I did report the nasty post ..but Mumsnet have obviously left it up .
I don't get why ,when someone needs support, someone is nasty ..
But away .lots of other kind posters have replied to you ,and I do hope you are feeling a bit better
It's good your not desperate money wise for another job and you can take your time to think what suits you .
Sometimes we get so far down its hard to see the wood from the trees and then it's hard to pull yourself back up
But please be kind to yourself,you deserve kindness xx

The above post is very wise- hopefully OP can take it in the way it was intended.

I can’t really add anything to the good advice that you’ve had OP but I want to wish you well.

I’m older than you now but a few years ago I had a major trauma occur in my life. I won’t go into details here but I couldn’t see how I could survive through it at the time. It took a number of years but eventually I did pull through it, not unscathed, but I found I could move on.

You’ve had a difficult time but it too will pass. Better times will emerge.

Wishing you all the best…

How are you doing op
Are things improving

Hi again everyone. I have just seen my GP and she is referring me back for mental health support. My mood is very up and down and I just can't seem to stabilise things. I think I will at least not look for a job until the autumn now. I might prefer temp work or zero hours as I would be very wary of committing to anything else.
I have some amazing, kind friends and they have all rallied round.
I think the wanting to run back to my exh is just a longing for someone to hug me, make me a cup of tea and tell me it's all going to be ok. He did that sometimes but then he could be pretty cruel the other times. Anyway, it's not a real wish to have him back, it's a longing to have a proper partnership and some safe haven. But the past is the past.

Thank you again to those who offered constructive comments and suggestions.

OP, big hugs, you sound so lost.But you were with your exh for nearly half of your life-that loss is profound and utterly life-changing. I think sometimes bereavement is easier than a bitter, toxic divorce, because there is no real ending in a divorce-I think you know that, having moved away.A couple of things stood out to me about your children.First, that they are wrapped up in their own lives.And second, that they don't see you as you, just mum.And as hurtful as that is, it's the way of the world.This is your time to give yourself permission to grieve and mourn the life you had, including your childhood and your mother, and to acccept that at 66, you have to start again.
Please do let yourself sleep, stay in bed, rest, and don't feel useless because life has overwhelmed you. You haven't just escaped a toxic, selfish marriage, you are carrying a sense of guilt that you have somehow failed your children and haven't launched into a diffferent structure of work and friendship in the new town.But you have battled on for decades, seemingly with little or no support or recognition, and that's soul-destroying.
I would focus on quiet days, self-care, journalling and anything that helps you escape your thoughts-reading, swimming, walking, etc. You are experiencing trauma, and possibly unresolved trauma from childhood.Finding a psychotherapist you feel comfortable with when you feel strong enough will help you to heal and find your way.
You don't have to be strong, to cope, to suppress your tears, to pretend everything is OK. I would also, depending on your financial situation, not even think about working-you can ask for a fit note from the GP, and use the next few weeks/months to rest and protect yourself.

Sometimes normal human contact is enough to feel seen. Do you miss your DDog? Perhaps if you could borrow a dog a couple of times a week and go for a nice walk, or join the Cinnamon Trust as a volunteer walker, that would get you out into the world. A smile and a friendly word from a stranger is sometimes all it takes to help you breath. Dog walkers are good for a quick natter.
Good luck - with some of the ideas and strategies already given, you will start enjoying life again.

@NeverDropYourMooncup You're a piece of work, aren't you?

OP, if you are already 66, can you survive until 67 without having to go back to work? Of course, you can claim benefits, and then at 67 you will get your state pension. It will be a far less stressful lifestyle, and you can devote your time to things that benefit your MH. You have been through so many jobs, and it does sound as if the 21st century work environment isn't for you.
Just let your kids do their own thing, rather than relying on them for company, and look at expanding your social circle.....volunteering, book group, exercise class, art group etc. There are loads of opportunities for retired people - make the most of them!