Hi everyone
I don't know how to move forward with this. I was with my ex-husband for 32 years, married for 29. 2 adult children. At 58 we had had enough of full time work (big US corporations) and although the marriage had always been very rocky and we had split up once for a year, we had reunited and we decided to move down to the South coast. I had already been suffering with severe, intransigent depression and anxiety. We lived in a lovely house in the London suburb I grew up in. I was worried about the move but the ex was keen to go and we went in 2018. At first it wasn't too bad. We moved into a lovely road, close to a beautiful beach and the neighbours were friendly and sociable.
The problems in the marriage resurfaced of course. He drank secretly and often and he became verbally cruel and embarrassing. When he was sober he was mostly ok. I had had a lifetime of a horrible narcissistic mother who became an abusive alcoholic and him to deal with. I had been very, very unwell in London and had behaved weirdly a few times but I had held down a demanding job and had survived 5 rounds of redundancy. Add in the mix a drug addicted , depressed and anxious adult son (mostly weed) who only worked part time. My ex husband didn't seem to think the drugs were a problem so it was just me who was trying to get him to stop ( didn't work of course). Said son moved down with us and issues continued.
I had masses of counselling, EMDR, DBT and 121 talking sessions which maybe helped a bit but not much. Exh was awful to me there. Ignoring me, drinking, belittling, mocking (only in private) but Covid ramped everything up. I went to work part time but was 'let go' at the end of my probation period in a GP surgery. I then found another job in a different practice and was there 4 years. Ex went to work part time in a hospital in an admin role.
He wanted a divorce and after 3 or 4 retractions of that, in the end he was determined to see it through and we managed to split the assets 50/50 and sell the house at a small loss. He stayed down there as did my son but I wanted to get away because I didn't want to run the risk of bumping into him and any women he may or may not have had. Son moved in with his girlfriend. Ex got the dog, I got the cat. I made the choice to move to Berkshire where my daughter and granddaughter are. It was such a hard decision. I am nearer my lifelong friends in West London but they are all married. Friends and family have been wonderful to me and I am eternally grateful but I have come to a new town where I don't know anyone. I started some voluntary work for a large charity which is mostly fun although I have made any 'friends' there. I also went to a GP surgery again part time. It came to the end of my probation and they terminated my employment saying that I didn't seem happy and had a negative influence on the group. I think my boss there was irritated with me because I asked a lot of questions and challenged her but she spoke to us all like we were just minions instead of people with brains. This happened on Thursday last week
I had been doing quite well mentally and was hoping to come off some of my medication. I am now almost back to how I was at my worst and the most stupid thing was I just wanted to run 'home' and tell my exh. Ridiculous and silly and pretty pathetic. I feel I have no resilience and no backbone. I am so lonely I just don't know what to do. The structure of my week has disappeared and it's a big financial blow. I can survive without the money luckily but I won't be having a riotous time. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep. I just don't care what happens to me anymore. I get some support from my daughter and son in law but I have been told that unless I am stable (I.e. not crying) I won't be able to see my granddaughter whom I adore. I get that they are protecting her but it feels harsh. They never ask if I would like to join them on holiday from time to time and I don't see much of them at weekends or in school holidays. They are angry about money all the time and bang on about how we boomers had it easy. I can't change the way society works and they spend their money quite freely, as is their right of course. I would give up everything I have to feel well and strong. I am so alone now with memories and haunted by ghosts .... by that I mean it's very triggering to look at photos or to remember some of the happier times.
I made many mistakes as a Mum and I have apologised to both kids for those. Exh was in a job which necessitated traveling and he was often away. I rand the house, worked full-time, had an awful mother and did my best. It was hard but nothing Iike as hard as this.
I also had a gynae op and discovered I have herpes (assume from exh), a breast cancer scare, a bowel cancer scare and a knee replacement. I just don't know how to go forward now or even if I can. I can't afford counselling and tbh I am not really sure it helps. My view of myself as an intelligent useful member of society is gone. I can't even hold onto a minimum wage job. I have a mental health review with a GP on Tuesday. I have no idea who the doctor is but nobody can scatter fairy dust and make it all ok.
Can anyone help at all? I am very medicated with antidepressants and Pregabalin. I take Pheneghan and Melatonin at night but I don't sleep much. I miss so much about my old life and I really miss my exh even though he didn't want me. My kids have no time for him and get angry if I say anything good about him and there were some good traits.