I am at breaking point - Adult Autistic daughter

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I am Posting for advice about my 21‑year‑old autistic daughter — I’m at breaking point

I’m really hoping for some wise Mumsnet advice because I feel completely worn down and out of ideas.

My daughter is 21, autistic, and still living at home. She was only assessed just before her 18th birthday, so we missed out on the support that’s usually available when they’re younger. Since then it’s been an uphill battle trying to get her any kind of mental health help — she won’t engage with services, therapy, or anything I try to put in place.

When she gets overwhelmed or anxious, she has meltdowns that can be really frightening. She kicks things, breaks things, has self‑harmed, and can be incredibly verbally abusive towards me. I know it’s coming from dysregulation, not malice, but it’s still very hard to live with. I feel like I’m constantly on edge in my own home, waiting for the next explosion. Every time it happens, I feel like I’m getting a form of PTSD from it.

She smokes weed, which I know isn’t helping, but she won’t hear that from me. She’s home all day, doesn’t listen to anything I say, and will only properly engage with her partner, who is here most of the time because she struggles with change.

She’s been out of education for over a year now. She says she wants a job and has been looking, but so far hasn’t been successful. She is on Universal Credit at the moment.

I’m also unwell myself at the moment and trying to recover for a year , but the stress of all this is making it so much harder. I’m exhausted. I feel like her behaviour is going to finish me off eventually.

I’ve tried everything I can think of — offering to pay for therapy, giving her information about autism support groups, trying to gently guide her towards help — but she ignores it all. Even a simple conversation can send her over the edge.

I’m now wondering if I’m enabling this by letting things continue as they are. Part of me feels she needs to move out for both our sakes, but I’m terrified about how she would cope because she is so dysregulated and unpredictable. I want her to get herself sorted while she’s still at home, but it’s just not happening.

Do I need to be “cruel to be kind”? Has anyone been through anything similar with an adult autistic child? I love her and I know she struggles, but I’m running out of strength and ideas.

Any advice or perspective would be really appreciated.

Sorry, I’m going to be no help at all but what you describe is how I can see my 16 year old ending up. Diagnosed at 13 but no therapies have worked yet and dysregulation getting worse and more frequent. I hope someone can come along soon with some helpful advice for you

I'm sorry you are going through this too.

We bribed my dd with money to get an assessment. It was the best thing we ever did. She was AUDHD and benefitted hugely from adhd medication. She also on anti depressants. (The first lot didn’t work)

The bribe was honestly the best thing l ever did. She started complying with therapy. She’s still gets dysregulated but is much better overall.

It took 4 years to get to this.

She has been assessed as Autistic but ADHD could be a factor too. She had a bad reaction to anti depressants previously so put her off massively. It is something to consider though.

ADHD meds were the real game changer.

Then we started antidepressants. Fluoxetine was crap but Sertraline was good.

If she has a partner, money and all that, then she is considered capable of taking her own decisions. Start telling her she has responsibility for her own life and if she has triggers from you in your home, then this is not the place for her well being and let her find her own place, with her partner who apparently is soothing to her

She doesn't have money really and her partner triggers her too. I have thought that if she is in control of her environment things would improve, at least to some extent.

Who is paying for her weed?

Her partner pays for it most of the time.

Where does the partner live? Could she go and live with him?

I just wanted to say that you absolutely have a right to your own boundaries and comfort in your own home.
Start with banning weed. It is not good for her mental health and if she and her partner aren’t allowed to smoke it in the house it will mean they need to go out which would also be positive.
I appreciate it is easy to say and there will be push back but I think this is really important as a first step.
Can you find out if there is a relatives support group in the area? You could contact the national autistic society to ask.
They may have other useful advice.
I also think you should speak to your gp about the pressure you are under and how you are feeling.

What is she doing for money? Is she paying rent to live with you? She’s an adult now. An adult living as if she were a child in your home but with the power to control who comes to your home, to control the mood in your house with her moods and by bringing and using drugs into your home

Time for some rules and tough love here. Have a think about what you want to happen under your own roof. If you aren’t a drug user then no weed in your home for a start

If she won’t engage there is nothing much you can do.

All the things you describe about her not taking on board anything you say, a refusal to acknowledge the need for change, behaving in ways that cause you ptsd. This is all very familiar to women living with autistic men on the Cassandra support boards.
For my EX H I organized his support, and luckily we found a worker he was willing to engage with.
It only resulted in marginal changes though these were significant changes given his fixed and rigid thinking and lack of mindsight.

It’s really, really hard and I feel for you. I honestly wish there was less autism positivism, more autism realism, and more awareness and understanding of the devastating impact living with autistic people can have ( yes, yes NAAPALT, but a distinct subset are and it is due to their autism. and more awareness of this is needed).

By nothing much you can do, I mean she won’t change whilst in your home.

Requiring her to move out, and probably needing to organise this for her ( if her executive functioning is poor) is probably your only option.

Where’s her dad?

I'm audhd.

I had a breakdown at 21. The transition from child to adult is a lot harder than people realise.

Traditional meds don't work. The issues aren't caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, but external stimuli and being constantly overwhelmed. Ssris don't work.

Cannabis can actually be quite beneficial to mental health in some circumstances.

I'm prescribed thc for my audhd and have used it my entire adult life. It helps regulate my mood, appetite, sleeping and stops my racing brain.

SSRI’s worked really well for my Audhd dd

Cannabis can actually be quite beneficial to mental health in some circumstances.

Perhaps this is true in some circumstances but it can also be very damaging for some individuals with poor mental health, even to the extent of contributing to the development of psychosis.

I second the advice to tell her she cannot smoke weed in the house. It is not fair on you, or helpful to her, that she should live there without any responsibility to respect your boundaries.

For both your sakes, there needs to be some pathway for her to move out, either to live fully independently or with some input from social services to help her cope with her challenges.

You could try calling social services and explaining the situation. Or perhaps you could have a preliminary conversation with her, explaining that the situation is untenable as it stands, and that you need to negotiate some rules going forward. Make it clear that if she can't cooperate with these then you will be looking to social services to help her transition out of your home.

From an ‘outside’ perspective of not knowing how the autism works, it does read as though moving out would be the best thing for her. At the moment she takes your tolerance and compliance completely for granted, continues to live in child mode and there are no consequences for her actions. In her own place she’d have figure out consequences and responsibility. Don’t suppose she could easily share with others. Would a small flat or bedsit be possible?

My daughter is having a breakdown I think - it's been a long time coming, I am very aware it's a hard transition. I want to be able to support her and I want her to stay home ideally, but something has to change - I want her to work with me but she seems to think I am just in her business - which I am 😂 I am her mother after all and I want her to be happy, but there is no point us both having a nervous breakdown- I need to be well to support her.

The thing is I agree - She will have to learn these skills with or without me. As I have been so sick I think it's important she learns, just in case I am not here for her. The Autism does add complications but it's still necessary for her to be able to cope.

She sounds in burnout. It can take a few years to come out.

Yes, it can take years. I struggled so much for the first half of my twenties. Just keep loving and supporting her. You do sound wonderfully caring.

One thing I will say though, which I don't think I got across well in the my first post. One of the things that made the struggle harder was the stigma around my cannabis use. It was so frustrating that people close to me were unwilling to accept how much it helped me and I felt vilified for using it on top of everything else.

I'm prescribed it now and my family accept that it's a life saver for me.

This is useful information- what else could have helped you in hindsight?

Her partner lives with parents so it's the same situation.