I am at breaking point - Adult Autistic daughter

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I am Posting for advice about my 21‑year‑old autistic daughter — I’m at breaking point

I’m really hoping for some wise Mumsnet advice because I feel completely worn down and out of ideas.

My daughter is 21, autistic, and still living at home. She was only assessed just before her 18th birthday, so we missed out on the support that’s usually available when they’re younger. Since then it’s been an uphill battle trying to get her any kind of mental health help — she won’t engage with services, therapy, or anything I try to put in place.

When she gets overwhelmed or anxious, she has meltdowns that can be really frightening. She kicks things, breaks things, has self‑harmed, and can be incredibly verbally abusive towards me. I know it’s coming from dysregulation, not malice, but it’s still very hard to live with. I feel like I’m constantly on edge in my own home, waiting for the next explosion. Every time it happens, I feel like I’m getting a form of PTSD from it.

She smokes weed, which I know isn’t helping, but she won’t hear that from me. She’s home all day, doesn’t listen to anything I say, and will only properly engage with her partner, who is here most of the time because she struggles with change.

She’s been out of education for over a year now. She says she wants a job and has been looking, but so far hasn’t been successful. She is on Universal Credit at the moment.

I’m also unwell myself at the moment and trying to recover for a year , but the stress of all this is making it so much harder. I’m exhausted. I feel like her behaviour is going to finish me off eventually.

I’ve tried everything I can think of — offering to pay for therapy, giving her information about autism support groups, trying to gently guide her towards help — but she ignores it all. Even a simple conversation can send her over the edge.

I’m now wondering if I’m enabling this by letting things continue as they are. Part of me feels she needs to move out for both our sakes, but I’m terrified about how she would cope because she is so dysregulated and unpredictable. I want her to get herself sorted while she’s still at home, but it’s just not happening.

Do I need to be “cruel to be kind”? Has anyone been through anything similar with an adult autistic child? I love her and I know she struggles, but I’m running out of strength and ideas.

Any advice or perspective would be really appreciated.

Hi OP. I‘m in my 40s and late diagnosed ASD/ADHD. There’s definitely a process to late diagnosis and starting to understand and embrace yourself. Same for family. If you haven’t already, I’d highly recommend looking at the resources from ADHD_love. They do a podcast, online videos and there’s 2 books available (they narrated their own audiobook versions). Rich and Rox are late diagnosed. Her first with ADHD, him more recently with Autism. They talk about late diagnosis, self-medicating with drugs and alcohol and how they process their diagnoses, got
sober and turned their lives around. I’d suggest you look at it first and encourage your DD to look into it when she’s ready.
This podcast in particular should be helpful to you:

No one is allowed to smoke at all in my house since I stopped smoking. She has her ways.

I will definitely look into support groups

Thank you, I will listen the podcast. I have a few you tubers that I follow as well, Mum on the spectrum and Orion Kelly. I am trying to educate myself , I didn't realise it can be so complex - I think I must have been a nightmare to grow up with tbh.

What about you in all this? Your own health isn’t good you said?

“She smokes weed”

therein lies your problem. You need to remove her from your orbit.

Good question- he is Autistic too - she is in touch with him but he's rubbish.