I can't believe I'm about to say all this as I know I sound mad.
There's something wrong with me and I just want to know what. Could this be OCD?
I don't want to use the word contamination but it's the only word that kind of describes what I'm feeling.
So basically I hate touching things that might be dirty or might have been touched by other people who might have dirty hands. I'm not scared of germs or getting ill ect but of contamination. I know that's makes zero sense, and I don't even understand it myself.
Recently it's getting so bad and it's taking over my life. I don't even know where to start with examples. Doors are a massive problem for me as obviously they are touched by many people. As soon as I've opened a public door, I have to use hand sanitiser but I can still 'feel' the door contamination for a while after.
Public toilets are another hell. I will use my foot to push the cubical door open, use tissue to close the latch. I can't let my clothes accidentally brush against anything. Some cubicles are very small which makes this difficult. I can't use hand dryers anymore as I watched a video on Facebook about how much bacteria they spread. The whole thing is very stressful. I have a whole system of how not to touch things.
I have a weird situation with work. I'll change details but basically work in a care home type environment. Lots of people about. I seem to be able to control my anxiety in work, I touch things okish, I just avoid touching my face/possessions until I've washed my hands. I can't have a cup of tea/use work cutlery ect but otherwise I do okay...
but I have a huge issue with work 'germs' (but not germs, I can't explain it) contaminating home. As soon as I get in I feel DISGUSTING. I strip off, put my work bag in a designated place where it's not touching anything else. So my work bag can't be put on the living room floor as it has touched work floor. I have a work coat which can't touch my other coat ect. I wash my hands, arms, change my clothes. My phone gets put in a special place until I get wipes to pick it up with and clean it. And then I'm fine.
I'm a bit funny about touching things at home sometimes too. I don't like to touch my kitchen work tops. I have to wear slippers and socks all the time as the thought of my bare feet touching the floor makes me cringe.
Recently I've been getting worse. So I saw a man in the street put his gloves on one of those BT boxes in the street and I had a physical cringe from it and just thought who would do that? I can't believe he is letting his gloves touch that box!
I have kids and them touching stuff stresses me out so much I'm always telling them not to touch stuff and when they get in from school I feel like they are contaminated too. I'm not as bad with them as I am myself though.
I obsess other things. For example I convinced myself we had bed bugs and would wake up in the night searching for them with a torch.
Everywhere we go I visualise the kids falling over and chipping their teeth. I have a similar thought about something else but I can't write it down as it affects me that badly I have to do certain things to make the thoughts go away. It's nothing bad, it just makes me cringe so badly I struggle to cope with it.
Hotel rooms are a nightmare because I struggle to touch anything. Getting in the bed is just... Imagine having to get in someone's dirty sheets. That's what it feels like to me.
Those are just a few examples.
Weirdly I'm not a clean freak. I don't spend hours cleaning or over the top hand washing ect. Although one colleague did comment that I wash my hands a lot.
Sorry this is so long. It's a bit random but I have just written down the main thoughts that popped into my head.
Any thoughts?