DS mental health destroying our family

[Nillypet]

Hi everyone,
Our family is in such a state trying to manage my ds mental health. We are on every waiting list for support known to man with an urgent referral made to cahms today. He is aggressive and defiant, close to being suspended from school. He swears constantly calling my dh and I the worst names and if we try to set boundaries it makes it all worse. Hes 12. I keep thinking we're not even at the difficult bit yet!!
My husband can't cope, our parenting styles differ as lots of people's do but he keeps rising to the bait and losing his temper. I feel so alone and like this will never ever end. We have 4 other children at home and they are all suffering. I just don't enjoy anything anymore and the evenings are awful.
I am feeling pretty lost tonight and very alone. My anxiety which ive had in check for some time now keeps my brain fixated on the behaviour and lack of support from my dh and I feel like I just can't cope anymore.
My 3 older children didnt display this behaviour so its a total shock to me, I just feel exhausted and ashamed all the time.
I'm just so worried my marriage wont last this and my children are all going to hate me for being unable to give them all they need because I am always focused on ds problems.

Just bumping for you as I have no experience with a near teen. So sorry it sounds so hard for you and your other children

Sorry you are going through this OP, it sounds horrendous.
It’s probably stating the bleeding obvious but are you able to pay for a private MH assessment rather than wait for the NHS?

Don't feel ashamed. He's probably got SEN. Or if not then it's a mental illness and no more reason to be ashamed than a physical illness. I hope you get help soon.
My mum was mentally ill and it was very hard for us living with her and I sympathise.

Could you ask the GP if there's any meds your ds can have or if not can you take something to help you cope? I was prescribed something to help me cope with dh dying and it helped and was easy to come off

My husband can't cope, our parenting styles differ as lots of people's do but he keeps rising to the bait and losing his temper. This sounds like a serious issue and will be making things much worse. If your husband can't control his temper, no one can stay calm.

What does your DS find calming? Walks, films, baking, colouring - is there anything he finds relaxing? If so, try to do more of it.

What's upsetting your DS - what does he say is wrong?

Be honest with yourself, is an actual mental illness driving his behaviour? My son was aggressive and defiant, he swore at us constantly, got into trouble at school, police involvement etc. etc. - there was no mental illness, it was his choice to behave like that.

Ask school to start TAF meetings.

Go back to the GP and ask for Right to Choose - this sounds like SEN to me if your other children didn’t behave this way.

You haven't described any mental illness in your post... could you perhaps give a summary of his challenges with his mental health and we could maybe advise more?

We have been liasing with school and have early help involved. Hes on the waiting list for an adhd assesment. We've had taf meetings and lbat involvement.
The school seem to think its just behavioural, but punishment just doesn't seem to work it makes things worse.
My dh just thinks he needs to behave, hes not very supportive at all.
If I try and talk to my ds he says he can't control himself and doesn't know why he acts that way. He's lost his phone and xbox which im not too unhappy about really as he has chosen some difficult friendships who seem to make things worse (no blame here just unfortunate pairing).
Last night I registered for a local low cost counselling service for him. We can't really afford it, but I really can't go on waiting for change.
Thanks for your responses, its helped me feel slightly less alone.

He is highly reactive to everything, becomes angry and aggressive easily. In the past he has had separation anxiety and couldn't be away from me. He can't sleep and has very low self esteem and over thinks everything. He always thinks the worst in a situation. He has always been a challenging child but all of a sudden secondary school has changed his anxious behaviour to anger and defiance.

What was he like when he was at primary school? Is it in response to going to secondary school. Is anyone bullying him at home or in school?

I sympathise. Young Minds charity is really helpful and I would suggest getting in touch, I was able to have a call back from a child psychologist to talk through the situation, also I had a helpful call from a volunteer in an organisation for parent carers in my area talking through practical strategies. I would also suggest signing your other children up for Young Carers support, in our area it was a very long wait list but now there is regular ongoing support for them (social clubs, counselling and some 1:1 work around understanding their sibling's additional needs). To be honest Early Help should coordinate all this for you but you may have to explicitly explain how it is impacting your other kids. Wishing you all the best

If the root cause is anxiety, your DH is making things worse.

What is the issue with your DH, why does he expect your DS to control his temper when his father doesn't?

Either it is SEN, in which cases calming down is the priority.
Or it is MH, in which case calming down is the priority.
Or it is behavioural, in which case calming down is the priority.
Whatever the underlying cause, calming down is the priority.

Sending lots of love. There will be lots of 'Just do-' but it's so complex and almost impossible balancing other responsibilities and the needs of your other children who don't just stop existing.

Sister wasn't outwardly aggressive, she turned inward and it was school refusal, totally withdrawing, self harm, suicidal ideation. My and my brother had nothing close to that. If your other kids are generally coping and normally behaved and there was no additional trauma for your youngest (death in the family etc) then probably not your parenting but an underlying cause.

In our case after decades of going through mental health issues we found out she has a dramatic hormone imbalance and has been on HRT for years to correct this. She's working through the trauma that those years did to her but she's a different person.

Connect with your husband. You have to approach this as a team and have clear and consistent approach. Honestly I'd use the limited funds on counselling for yourselves to get a game plan together of how you will approach.

Get DS into any club. Martial arts, team sports and drama all have incredible impact on mental health. Diet genuinely also can have the moat transformative impact.

With the school and services, they are so under-resourced, it will be a battle to get anything. Be the squeaky wheel, follow up again and again and again. Everything in writing and lay it out, "We have requested early intervention for escalating aggression that has lead to violent outbursts against me and my other children. Based on this pattern we expect violent incidents to increase jeopardising the welfare of other minors. Can you confirm that despite this danger you are unable or unwilling to refer to..." Never play anything down, keep pushing.

Good luck.

There's a book called parenting the explosive child which may have some useful strategies, it's often recommended on MN.

Re your partner, if you can get him to see that losing his temper is making his own health worse - he gets stressed, not good for his stress levels, his heart rate etc., and triggers his DS, it may help pave the way to his openness to other strategies.

My DF actually used some of these techniques too with my DB when their relationship went awry as adults.

Essentially children (people) like to succeed if they can - if there is a mismatch between expectations and skills then there can be a struggle with emotional regulation, communication, problem solving etc.

Tough love can make it worse as it doesn't teach missing skills.

1. Lead with empathy- trying to understand their concern / perspective.

2. Share concerns clearly.

3. Invite collaboration on a solution, something that works for both.

Option A Impose will - often triggers anger.
Option B Collaborate - better option.
Option C Temporarily drop a demand to reduce stress and focus on priorities.

Basically, its looking at the behaviour as a skills issue. At 12 he has plenty of time to hopefully learn skills. With your partner he should be able to get on board with trying too.

Can you try to get your DH to consider different strategies to deal with DS' behaviour/moods? He needs to understand that walking away and taking a deep breath us a strategy, not a sign of weakness. What has Early Help suggested? They can offer parenting classes, which would give you the opportunity to look at your family situation more dispassionately.

My dd is just diagnosed adhd at 14. At 12 she went through a very angry phase. Not physical but shouting at me and her sister. I have come to realise that her external behaviour is a symptom of internal feelings. She had a bad friendship and it was impacting her.

but also - you need to stay calm and walk away. If my daughter gets worked up about something now I don’t engage - she won’t listen to reason and responding just feeds her need for conflict.

in our area there are a lot of free webinars run by CAMHS for diagnosed / undiagnosed children. Maybe the school can point you in right direction.

there is also sessions run by CAMHS linked wellbeing service in school on managing emotions.

If he’s being assessed for ADHD you could be looking at RSD. Rejection Sensitivity Disphoria, I know it sounds a bit much but it’s an extreme response to any negativity, the person with it feels like they are disappointing everyone all the time. It might explain him feeling out of control and the aggressive response is a protective mechanism against feeling so awful about himself. Anyway just a thought might be worth a look. Good luck.

How is he in school? Does he have ed psych involvement? Echp?

Go low demand and look up pda parenting techniques. I'm not saying he has pda but the techniques work well across a range of send in my opinion https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-helps-guides/

That wouldn't meet CAMHS thresholds where I live but it might be different where you are.

I don't think it would meet thresholds for an ADHD assessment either but you can try.

Trigger warning self harm.
Thank you so much for all the really really useful support. Today has been another hard day. He is manic when his behaviour is intense and can't answer why hes behaving like it.
We have had a meeting with the school who don't have anything else to offer. Ive referred him myself to thoughtful, our areas school based counselling. Unfortunately the feeling is hes too complex for this. But hopefully they might accept him.
School think he can control the behaviour, I agree some of the time. But the really intense behaviour is definitely something more than a conscious choice.
I love my dh and I agree he needs to model the behaviour we want our son to adopt. This is incredibly hard though. My dh is not biologically ds father. He has been around for 10 years and loves him like his own. Ds has experienced trauma from biological father and has chosen not to see him as he continues to be a toxic unsafe person. Ds is very emotionally aware at times and can lean into being manipulative also. He exhibits a lot of behaviours my ex used to, which is horrifying.
This morning he admitted to the early help worker that he had self harmed in the night, he had a hidden blade from a pencil sharpener. It was only light scratches but still this is really scary behaviour. I have removed. I have to watch him like a hawk and if I'm concerned about his behaviour we will be going straight to a and e. We already have all blades hidden away because this has previously been an issue.
I just wish I had a magic wand.

To add i have had an audhd diagnosis and my 2 older children have autism. He doesn't have an ehcp as there isnt enough evidence yet.

Request an EHCNA yourself now. DS meets the threshold for the EHCNA. Don’t let whoever told you there isn’t enough evidence to put you off.

What support is the school providing? What have they already tried that hasn’t worked?

Does DS have his own bedroom or does he share?

Has DS had a home OT assessment?

For your other DC, some find Sibs helpful. Are they known to your local young carers service?