DS mental health destroying our family

[Nillypet]

Hi everyone,
Our family is in such a state trying to manage my ds mental health. We are on every waiting list for support known to man with an urgent referral made to cahms today. He is aggressive and defiant, close to being suspended from school. He swears constantly calling my dh and I the worst names and if we try to set boundaries it makes it all worse. Hes 12. I keep thinking we're not even at the difficult bit yet!!
My husband can't cope, our parenting styles differ as lots of people's do but he keeps rising to the bait and losing his temper. I feel so alone and like this will never ever end. We have 4 other children at home and they are all suffering. I just don't enjoy anything anymore and the evenings are awful.
I am feeling pretty lost tonight and very alone. My anxiety which ive had in check for some time now keeps my brain fixated on the behaviour and lack of support from my dh and I feel like I just can't cope anymore.
My 3 older children didnt display this behaviour so its a total shock to me, I just feel exhausted and ashamed all the time.
I'm just so worried my marriage wont last this and my children are all going to hate me for being unable to give them all they need because I am always focused on ds problems.

I suggested young carers and apparently in our area the threshold is high, early help dont think my dc will meet criteria, but she's going to try.
Ds has his own bedroom next to ours, he struggles with sleep and will often lay awake most of the night. Thats when the difficult thoughts occur.
Im about to google EHCNA now. The school have given him a doodle book, a directed time out card, and something called link where they offer emotion support with resilience work in the mornings. But he currently does not hsve faur access to education. He was previously refusing school due to hating it then has started going in but is constantly punished for silly or challenging behaviour. My fear is hes got a name for himself now.

Thank you so much. Honestly, you are all amazing. Im am finding this all so helpful.
Ive ordered 'the explosive child'.

This is a very big and relevant piece of extra background info:
I love my dh and I agree he needs to model the behaviour we want our son to adopt. This is incredibly hard though. My dh is not biologically ds father. He has been around for 10 years and loves him like his own. Ds has experienced trauma from biological father and has chosen not to see him as he continues to be a toxic unsafe person. Ds is very emotionally aware at times and can lean into being manipulative also. He exhibits a lot of behaviours my ex used to, which is horrifying.

You really must tell your DH he needs to stop making things worse, it isn't fair on your DS to be getting shouted at in the way he is.

Just to be clear. My dh is not shouting all the time, he is really struggling and getting frustrated. He has a more traditional idea of parenting where children must do as they are told. Hes not horrible, but he gets frustrated as hes being screamed at in his face (the worst expletive you can imagine) the he can't support me as hes totally overwhelmed.

This. Is it actually impossible for teenagers to be really unpleasant anymore, without it being SEN? Are all not-nice adults ‘SEN’ as well?

My brother was horrific at that age and much as you describe. He went to anger management therapy with an excellent therapist and was much improved. No diagnosis required, just help with the problem.

If ‘modelling behaviour’ worked why is he acting like he is? Presumably you weren’t swearing and being aggressive before his bad behaviour started up?

An EHCNA is the needs assessment you request as part of the process to getting an EHCP. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

Request a meeting with the SENCO again. The school should be providing more support. You could ask about alternative provision. Although the school may not agree. If DS gets to the point where he can't attend school, the LA has a duty to still ensure he receives a suitable full-time education.

Does DS take anything to help with sleep?

As well as The Explosive Child, have a look at the Out of Sync Child book.

Also worth looking at some non-violent resistance resources.

I would contact your local young carers service yourself rather than rely on EH.

Things sound so tough OP, I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this.
My DS was behaving similarly from 12-13, it all stemmed from anxiety, around many things but mostly school. Tried everything, even though he was at a good SEN school nothing made any difference. eventually it got too much and we were at complete crisis point, I made the decision to take him out of school.
It was the best thing for him, he was in absolute burnout with anxiety (and autism). He’s been out of school and in alternative provision for just over a year and he’s much happier and calmer, there’s no violence anymore and I have my lovely child back, It’s not perfect, ideally he would be in a school, but the process is taking a while.
If you suspect autism look up autistic burnout, you may recognise the symptoms. Would you consider a part time school timetable? Look up Newbold Hope as well, they have a good and supportive fb group.
I wish you lots of luck.

If you haven’t already please reach out to school and see if they can offer any support, also seek support from early help/family support via social services. Good luck x

I'd put money on PDA tbh. It's a pain in the arse to navigate but it can be navigated and it means changing completely how to parent him.

We are only as happy as our unhappiest child. It's tough when one is struggling so much.

Sounds like my grandson who we have care of feel for you he is 8 has severe autism and probably ADHD but until we have full care we cant get him assessed

He needs to step back. He's not helping your child.

He has a more traditional idea of parenting where children must do as they are told. He really needs to take this attitude out of the equation.

Are you afraid of your DH? If not, tell him to back right off while you get the help your DS needs.

You do realise you don’t need a diagnosis in order to be classed as having SEN or receive SEN support? The definition of SEN is set out in law. Someone who needed such support with anger management (which is special educational provision) meets the legal definition of having SEN.

If he’s always struggled with sleep, maybe try cranial sacral therapy- my daughter had suffered night terrors & sleepwalking for months every night & she had one session with a therapist & no night terrors. She is lighter emotionally & seems to have released a load of tension. Her central nervous system was imbalanced & the therapist works on that. We’re having 2 more sessions to absolutely nail it. Worth a go & we only paid £30 a session.

If he’s always struggled with sleep, maybe try cranial sacral therapy- my daughter had suffered night terrors & sleepwalking for months every night & she had one session with a therapist & no night terrors. She is lighter emotionally & seems to have released a load of tension. Her central nervous system was imbalanced & the therapist works on that. We’re having 2 more sessions to absolutely nail it. Worth a go & we only paid £30 a session