DH hates his job and keeps threatening to quit – pregnant with DC2 and don’t know what to do

[ogo23]

DH hates his job and keeps threatening to quit – pregnant with DC2 and don’t know what to do

DH hates his job and keeps threatening to quit. We have a toddler, and I’m in my first trimester with DC2.

A bit of background: DH took a sabbatical 3 years ago to explore new career options, but never changed career and ended up going back into the same line of work. He works for a friend, 4 days a week, but whenever something goes wrong he panics and says he’s going to quit. This happens every time there’s a stressful week.

I’m self-employed and can’t match his salary, so we can’t swap roles. I’m also pregnant and about to have a big drop in income when I go on mat leave.

He brings the stress home to the point we’re basically coexisting. He talks about how overwhelmed he is but refuses to consider any practical changes. I’ve suggested looking for a different job – he doesn’t want to work 5 days. I’ve suggested talking to someone about coping mechanisms for stress – he says it’s “logical stress that goes away when work stops,” even though it clearly doesn’t.

Being financially dependent on someone who repeatedly talks about quitting is exhausting. It sends me into panic attacks because it feels like the rug could be pulled out from under us at any moment. I’ve tried to be supportive, but he won’t explore any options, and the cycle just keeps repeating.

What would you do in this situation? I feel like I’m making it too much about me, but I’m really lost and I don’t know how to break this pattern.

In all honesty it sounds like he's just venting. He doesn't enjoy it and wants to quit, but when he effectively did and could have chosen anything else he went back to it. I wouldn't be very worried about him actually leaving his job. I'd just make some "yeah it's really tough when work is like that" noises rather than trying to problem solve for him.

Have you tried to explain to him how it is affecting you? If he isn’t prepared to make any changes to the situation, it seems quite reasonable to me for you to ask him to stop repeatedly going over the same issue as it is stressing you out. He needs to think about you especially while you are pregnant.

I had similar I ended up saying unless you leave I don't want to hear it. You stay so you are accepting the stress etc. took a few attempts at retraining him as involved me going out with the kids when he started but I don't want them hearing him excessively moaning. He is now much better and occasionally will moan but everyone is allowed a bad day whereas previously it was almost daily occurrence 🙄

He sounds like a big old baby

If he feels like this then he shouldn't have another baby on the way, he should have changed jobs or sorted this out beforehand. Tough luck now, he needs to put his big boy pants on and get on with it

I’m self-employed and can’t match his salary, so we can’t swap roles.

It sounds like he's been out in the role of breadwinner and it's really stressing him out.

What about after the baby, you start working in a salaried role and he has the children at home to see if he copes better?

It feels like this is the crux of it, but in all honestly we probably need both of us working. If I became the breadwinner it’s going to likely take 20k off our annual household income.

also I can’t imagine him taking kids to parties, playgroups etc.

I want to be considerate to the pressures he’s feeling, but in all honesty the patterns played out so many times I’m getting angry. I know how much harder things are about to get, and he seems to be quite frivolous in his approach.

Tell him if he quits his job without securing a new one first, you will leave him. He just sounds like someone who doesn't want to work. Men like this generally make very poor SAHPs. You've indulged him a lot already with his 'sabbatical'. Tell him to find someone else to confide in about his work moans as you are pregnant and his actions are causing you panic attacks. Tell your midwife too.

How many hours does he work? Full time? If not, why not? Work-shy?

OP already said he works for a friend 4 days a week

He needs to grow up! Work is work. He wants to enjoy the perks of working only 4 days a week then he has to suck it up or find something else that’s less stressful and probably full time hours. Being a parent means he can’t just quit when he wants without organising something else to go to.

Did he want children, Op? In particular, was he enthusiastic about having DC2? I ask this because my friend has a husband who struggles with stress and his mental health. He never really wanted kids but she kept having them anyway which stressed him out even more. He's now a functioning alcoholic and she has to do everything. She's so angry with the instability of it all but I think, reasonably, she should have seen it coming. Everyone else did.

I suspect no he would t and the children would suffer

When you discussed having a second child, did he discuss work at all, or looking for something 5 days a week?

I made mine speak to a therapist. He’s much better now and not sure if he was just venting when he was moaning all the time or if the therapist helped him find real solutions. But like pp I just told him I didn’t want to hear it anymore and the constant moaning was affecting my mood.

Frankly I would tell him to leave and go back to mummy and daddy and then at least you can claim universal credit as a single parent!!

Yes, he said a second likely wouldn’t affect costs and he’s too old to navigate a career change. I assumed this was acceptance of his work situation. I’ve always been VERY mindful of not passing opinion about children until he voiced his decisions, but he really wanted to give DC1 a sibling and I never wanted to be in a position where he said he never wanted them anyway.

i know people say leave, but when you play that through it’s quite stark, single mum with nowhere to live and another kid on the way. When the other reality is watching someone you love disappear because they are so stressed they’ve stopped engaging in any family life.

Did he find work as stressful before having kids?

Yes, you're in a difficult situation. However, he only works 4 days a week. Most people have to work full time, and are very lucky if they enjoy what they do, without reservation. He needs to come to terms with this, and with how much stress it's putting you under.
I wonder if couples' counselling would help?.

You can only change your own behaviour here, not his.

Changing your own behaviour might mean one or some of these alternatives :

1.Letting him to do more SAHPing, badly (if he is such a poor father that he can't take kids to birthday parties why are you with him anyway???) and taking on more work yourself in a salaried capacity

1. Accepting your income might need to go down and budgeting accordingly ...different area lower outgoings in one form or another

1. Splitting and being a single parent and offering him the option of therapy if you don't

1. Going to therapy yourself to find out what your expectations of yourself and the relationship are. Is it just about him being a breadwinner or is it to do with the emotional toll of listening to his anxiety? Do you like him for anything ?

1. Looking as the facts as they are, rather than what they "should" be. IE if I had an unemployed husband or sick husband how would we deal with it?

Lazy bastard needs to suck it up and STFU. I would tell him to either get another job or stop whining about this one. Really unreasonable of him to keep threatening this when you're pregnant.

I think you need to increase your earnings to avoid being dependent on him. Is he a good parent? Can he step up with the kids so you can focus on career?

Indeed. How many hours over 4 days, is what I was asking?

Simple.

If he leaves his job, he has to move out and find himself a bedsit after he's already resigned (no using your home or income as security) whilst you claim UC and CMS from him (and start the divorce).

You'll be securely housed with your children, you'll have secure finances and he can go be all too special to work for a living on somebody else's time and money.

Anyone who says the words "he needs to" has it the wrong way round. No one can tell someone else what they NEED to do. They can only tell themselves and the other person what they themselves need. As in...I need you to work to earn X amount of money and I need you to stop complaining.
The DH might counter with I need to leave this job and I need you to listen to me complaining or I can't get through the day.

Cards on the table own your needs and see what happens. Don't solve problems for other people.

Agree with this.

OP, you can’t rely on this man. Take shorter mat leave, get a full-time salaried role and leave him to be primary carer of his children.