DH hates his job and keeps threatening to quit – pregnant with DC2 and don’t know what to do

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DH hates his job and keeps threatening to quit – pregnant with DC2 and don’t know what to do

DH hates his job and keeps threatening to quit. We have a toddler, and I’m in my first trimester with DC2.

A bit of background: DH took a sabbatical 3 years ago to explore new career options, but never changed career and ended up going back into the same line of work. He works for a friend, 4 days a week, but whenever something goes wrong he panics and says he’s going to quit. This happens every time there’s a stressful week.

I’m self-employed and can’t match his salary, so we can’t swap roles. I’m also pregnant and about to have a big drop in income when I go on mat leave.

He brings the stress home to the point we’re basically coexisting. He talks about how overwhelmed he is but refuses to consider any practical changes. I’ve suggested looking for a different job – he doesn’t want to work 5 days. I’ve suggested talking to someone about coping mechanisms for stress – he says it’s “logical stress that goes away when work stops,” even though it clearly doesn’t.

Being financially dependent on someone who repeatedly talks about quitting is exhausting. It sends me into panic attacks because it feels like the rug could be pulled out from under us at any moment. I’ve tried to be supportive, but he won’t explore any options, and the cycle just keeps repeating.

What would you do in this situation? I feel like I’m making it too much about me, but I’m really lost and I don’t know how to break this pattern.

I get stressed with work pressures sometimes, and a lot of the time I come home and vent to my wife. Her personality type is problem solving and sometimes I say; I don’t need a solution I need to get it off my chest and it works for us. Perhaps he just needs to offload & move on? But if it’s too much you both need to discuss how to move forwards on the same page. Do you actually think he will quit if he has no other options? Has he been unreliable in the past?

i know people say leave, but when you play that through it’s quite stark, single mum with nowhere to live and another kid on the way. When the other reality is watching someone you love disappear because they are so stressed they’ve stopped engaging in any family life.

Either way will result in you needing to be financially independent. It doesn't sound like a low earning self-employed role is going to be sustainable for you.

I'd look at what else you can do and the government funded childcare options available to you.

Ahh I was in a similar position whilst pregnant with dc2. Dh had an undoubtedly stressful sales position, but was so stressed that he was waking me up in the night with the worry, which was not really sustainable for me when I was pregnant, trying to work and look after another child. Fortunately he got another job, but crucially accepted that anxiety was an ongoing problem for him and has been on citalopram every since, which has been a game changer. Also being assessed for ADHD, so probably that in the mix as well heightened his anxiety. Bottom line is that your dh may at some point need to consider that it is a him problem as well as a job problem.

Have you suggest shared parental leave? Or in the long term you both working part time instead of you on maternity leave and him working full time?

He is venting and I get it’s not a convenient time for him to feel too stressed and burnt out on his job, but there has to be an option that splits the working aspect more fairly so long as he is willing to be a part time SAHD.

The fact you can’t picture him doing it might just be because it’s something you really want to do too and girls are raised to believe it’s a woman’s job, not a man’s job.

Perfect thing to say if you want another fatality on the train tracks.
We need to start caring about men’s mental health and not call them a big baby and to put on their big boy pants.

He's obviously suffering from anxiety, but can't really abdicate his responsibilities. I think couples counselling, but I also think a trip to the GP to have guidance on how he's feeling mentally.

"So what are you going to do about it?"
is a good stock response.
Makes it his responsibility, which it absolutely is.

I would persuade him to use the day he is not working to apply for other jobs. Tesco delivery driver etc. If you are that stressed, worth taking the financial hit. Also - can you encourage him to talk to his "friend" who he works for? Is it the job itself or the personality of this person that is the problem? I have noticed a glut of posts about men with bad mental health issues recently. Having been to a funeral last month for someone who took his own life, please take this stuff seriously. Does he have male friends he can talk to? Agree he should go to GP also. Also look after yourself and make sure you are spending time with friends and family.

It really sounds like he might benefit from counselling. That might help him rationalise a bit more and stop bringing all that stress home. He may still benefit from a change of job but unless he works on how he manages that then all his stress will come back home again.

So he’s a structural engineer, the blame culture in his work and the high stakes of people being hurt if he makes a miscalculation is what makes him stressed. So it’s an industry/career issue not a specific office culture issue. The day off a week he has, he looks after DC1.

DC1 goes to nursery 24 hours a week, which is just over the government allowance when you stretch the hours over the year, which allows me to work 3 days a week and have a day to manage household admin. My work is quite up and down as it’s freelance, so I am trying to work out how navigate a career change through maternity leave.

We have no family support, they all live 2-5 hours away, as we had to move somewhere close to his job that was being offered (although moving closer to grandparents would not result in help). He is a good dad, but I’m not entirely sure he would manage SAHP responsibilities (cleaning house, laundry, balanced fresh meals etc)

He pays all mortgage and bills, I pay for everything food and DC related (nursery top up fees, clothes, activities)

He unfortunately has that rather outdated outlook to mental health which is “mental health only exists for rich people who can afford treatment” and refuses any support from GP, I have asked multiple times if he will go. He won’t even take tablets for a headache so antidepressants will be impossible.

I’m starting to think I need to approach wether introducing a new baby to this pressure cooker is not going to work, but I know he’ll think I’m giving him an ultimatum.

I can’t help him as he won’t accept any help, and I’ve lost all financial independence, and I’m about to lose any financial independence I was building with maternity.

It sounds really tough. In the absence of nearby family, do you have any trusted friends that could help? Getting very practical, you could take a short break from each other? I worked somewhere with a horrible blame culture - in the end I spoke to their confidential Employee Assistance Programme and that helped. There is so much stigma around mental health issues. Workplaces should address the causes much more robustly within their health and safety policies. No big solutions from me - just sympathy to both of you!

If I was doing a job I hated i would quit. If he is a structural engineer presumably he has loads of transferable skills. You cannot force someone to do a job they hate and it isnt just about mental health in the sense of curing it...the job may be exacerbating his mental health problems.
His responsibilities to his family include not working in a job he hates but to find a different one he doesn't hate. For some reason you, or he perceives, you, aren't giving him "permission" to change jobs.

My husband did a job he hated for about three years. I begged him to change or become self employed. The job got a bit better after a bit (toxic bully left) but the truth is he should have left and done something different sideways or gone back to his old job which he loved but perceived to be stalling career wise. Or we should have moved or I should have been the breadwinner there were so many thousands of permutations possible

But he was fixed and suffered accordingly, just like you are suffering

Something has to change and it could be his job. You could make the finances fit a new model if you change YOUR fixed mindset too.

Can you put it like this to him, maybe read it out? It really shows understanding on your part of why he would feel stressed with his job which I am sure he will find validating. In addition, it rationalises how his knee jerk reactions impact on you and your stress management. Ultimately it seems like you are mostly working as a team but just need to fine tune a bit of work/life/financial balance