For context, I’ve suffered with depression for 30+ years and had serious suicidal feelings on and off during that time. I’ve only had one suicide attempt and I wasn’t expected to survive but did. It wasn’t a cry for help, it was a genuine attempt to kill myself and it was extremely unlucky that I was discovered in time. That was decades ago.
What I don’t understand now is that I have a strong feeling that I really should kill myself rather than continue to struggle on. It seems that the only way I can have any self respect is to get on and do it rather than thinking about it all the time.
I sabotage myself when I am feeling really low by stopping my medication because I feel that I deserve to suffer and I’d rather push myself over the edge than continue to struggle in this torturous limbo between life and death.
I think this is hampering any chance of recovering and having any quality of life but can’t shake the feeling that I need to kill myself.
Can anyone relate to these feeling and behaviour or help me understand what is going on?