Help me understand this please. TW Suicide

[Caresenoughnottodothat]

For context, I’ve suffered with depression for 30+ years and had serious suicidal feelings on and off during that time. I’ve only had one suicide attempt and I wasn’t expected to survive but did. It wasn’t a cry for help, it was a genuine attempt to kill myself and it was extremely unlucky that I was discovered in time. That was decades ago.
What I don’t understand now is that I have a strong feeling that I really should kill myself rather than continue to struggle on. It seems that the only way I can have any self respect is to get on and do it rather than thinking about it all the time.
I sabotage myself when I am feeling really low by stopping my medication because I feel that I deserve to suffer and I’d rather push myself over the edge than continue to struggle in this torturous limbo between life and death.
I think this is hampering any chance of recovering and having any quality of life but can’t shake the feeling that I need to kill myself.
Can anyone relate to these feeling and behaviour or help me understand what is going on?

Oof. That sounds tough, and exhausting 😣😕 I’m guessing you’ve tried talk therapy? I use to be suicidal too for about 5 years, I tried therapy but it wasn’t until I met my 6th therapist that I finally started to feel better. She was “person centered therapy” and omg after the first session I felt like this massive weight had been lifted off me. It took about a year of weekly sessions and since then the suicidal feelings only come back maybe one day out of 6 months. I feel like I have been given a second chance at life. Don’t give up OP, keep looking for a good therapist, they are out there but you have to hunt them out! Xx

Do you have urgent care info for your area?

111 option 2
increase time with others
get meds reviewed

You survived a serious attempt previously and recovered and it’s possible to do that this time

What if your depression is talking and influencing you and it’s wrong?

Why do you self sabotage? Figuring this out and considering the alternative may take you in a different direction

I’m not sure if it is depression talking but it is a very strong presence.

I don’t know why I self sabotage apart from the fact that I hate myself so I deserve to suffer.

I’m wondering if these are common thoughts for others who have suicidal feelings. I want to do it but I’m scared of going to hell if anyone else is involved or affected by it.

I can’t really talk to my psychiatrist or therapist because there is no point worrying anyone and I don’t want anyone to intervene or stop me.

Been there also seek help I was discharged and had to get social worker involved to push go to get re referral x

How are you now?

I have CPTSD and regularly struggle with this. It comes up strongly for several weeks and almost drives me mad, then settles a bit to the background. I have lots of tools to deal with it, it has been going on for 20 years. One of the tools is regular counselling, with a specialised trauma counsellor. Do you see somebody?

I just want to acknowledge how exhausting and demoralising these thoughts are. It seems a relief to end it. You aren't alone. There's a reason you're here and you are loved.

Fluctuations In your medication could be causing this OP. If you stop taking them you trigger withdrawal symptoms, suicidal ideation being one of them.

I am supporting someone coming off SSRIs, it has taken years of very slow and careful tapering, and there were some very scary moments including two serious attempts.

If you decide to reduce or change your meds, please only do so under supervision, and do it very very slowly.

I have concerns about Sertraline which is one of, if not the most commonly prescribed AD.
It’s a lifesaver for many but for some can cause suicidal ideation as it did for the person I mentioned above.

(((HUG)))

I'm sorry I have no personal experience of your struggles, so all I have to offer are hugs! & the suggestion of getting your meds looked at & finding someone other than your usual therapist to talk to if you don't want to share with them.

xx

I want to say I hear you

Its just so exhausting, so consuming, that it does get to the point of - well I may as well

3 attempts, and many a walk around the park with the dog thinking if only I had the courage to use the lead

I spent many a night in a phone box to the samaritans ( back in the day before mobiles )

Counselling was my saviour - and medication. Actually I ended up in full time group therapy for 6 months and three years of twice weekly sessions

You do need to tell your psychiatrist and /or therapist, they cant help unless you do, but at the same time I totally get why you dont - I could never engage, which is why group therapy worked so well for me. No hiding, no dodging. Things I had buried so deep came to the surface and in a very supportive environment of others with the same/similar experiences really really helped me start dealing with them

Now I can say I have been free of those thoughts for over 20 years. I still need meds, but Im stable as in I dont go down those rabbit holes. I still have episodes of depression , but I get through them pretty unscathed . The understanding of myself that I learned in therapy keep me going now

Please ask for help, there is help, it can take a while to find the help YOU personally need, but its there

Wanted to add that the Mindline was absolutely brilliant in our experience. You can call them only once a day but you can do so every day if you need to, they will always listen without judgement. Much easier to get through to than the Samaritans.

"this is hampering any chance of recovering" @Caresenoughnottodothat

But is recovery even possible? For me, living with suicidal thoughts has become part of my identity. I’m someone who thinks about suicide when life gets overwhelming. Maybe a kind of escapism.

I’ve been having these thoughts on and off for 30 years. It’s hard to articulate, but what keeps me alive is the knowledge that I could end things if life ever became truly unbearable. That possibility somehow comforts me. So I postpone it, week after week.

Keep postponing that decision and in the meantime take whatever support is available to you (meds, therapy, etc.).

Wishing you the very best 🩵

That’s an interesting perspective.

For me, it’s not so much that I COULD do it that consumes me but rather that I SHOULD do it. I try to challenge the thoughts by thinking that it would upset my DP but really I think he would be better off without me and he would be secretly pleased.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

As others have suggested you can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you are able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Wishing you the very best,
MNHQ💐

Only a rather disturbed person would be pleased by someone’s suicide 🥺 I’m going with the assumption that your DP is NOT a psychopath and he would be distressed if something happened to you.

You have been feeling like this for a long time. What has helped in the past? 🩵

Nothing has helped in the long run. I can force myself forward for a while but it is never sustainable

So hard 🩵

"I sabotage myself when I am feeling really low by stopping my medication because I feel that I deserve to suffer."

I'm wondering what makes you feel that you deserve to suffer