I need to write this down

[eggshells]

All day........i have written this and deleted it, written it and deleted it........walked away come back.

i feel like my life is a complete mess. DP is gonna crack up soon and there isnt a damn thing i can do about it. I can see the signs, I can read him like a book, I am desperately trying to keep it together but I just dont think I can do it anymore, I have this sick feeling in my stomach like somthing bad is going to happen.

So many bad things have happened to us I dont know how much more I can take. My kids are beautiful, I love them dearly they dont deserve all this.

DP I love him so much, I can see that he is trying so hard to keep a lid on it, he is a good man, he tries so hard, I cant even begin to explain what has made life so bad. On the surface we are the ideal family, dig down a bit and we still keep it together but any deeper and it is a real mess. i am not depressed. I feel like I am watching my life in slow motion and it is one big fecking car crash and there isnt a damn thing i can do about it but watch it happen. And you know what, niether me, DP or either of our 2 DC's have done a fecking thing wrong. God this is upsetting me to write but i have to get it down. DP is getting a bath right now and so he wont see me cry, i am his rock atm, without me he would have been gone a long time ago.

All I can say is i put on a good act. I wish I didnt have to be so strong, I wish I wasnt so strong, I wouldnt feel this responsibility, why do I have to cope so well? I cant allow myself to crack up, too many people rely on me, too many people think Im a coper, I am a coper, but there isnt a fecking thing I cant do to change our situation and i know that things are going to get worse.

Im rambling now, and anyone reading this deserves a medal, anyone reading this must think in barmy. Really Im not, I am just not
used to being so out of control with our lives. CBT said there are things you can change and there are things you cant do anything about...worry about the things you can change and change them, but what happens when the things you cant change are slowly destroying the people you love??

BLFG...thankyou, if i told you all that went on I would never stop. There are lots of people to talk to but i dont trust anyone to not judge.

What has happened I can deal with objectively, I cant change it. It is all the fall out afterwards that is tough. This will never ever go away.

Ths sun is shining today though and DP seems to be in a geniune good mood. my eldest slept well last night.

Today is a good day but 5 minutes at a time

Morning eggshells, you are right today does feel like a good day, I,m even considering doing the ironing, which in itself is a bloody miracle!

Things may be on the up for us all, positive thoughts today, and keep to the 5 minute mantra, and the day will pass with a smile!

Hey eggshells

Glad to hear ur DP and DC's r well. But how r u? Hope ur feeling slightly better today. Can u talk to ur DP about this situation then atleast u have someone who can relate to u. Am sure no one would judge u but if u feel that strongly about it thats fine just remember keeping things bottled up doesnt help matters.

don't need the story, I like you anyway without the story. Take 5 minutes for the cuppa and hope they are good ones.