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Original poster

I need to write this down

29 replies

eggshells · 07/06/2008 19:29

All day........i have written this and deleted it, written it and deleted it........walked away come back.

i feel like my life is a complete mess. DP is gonna crack up soon and there isnt a damn thing i can do about it. I can see the signs, I can read him like a book, I am desperately trying to keep it together but I just dont think I can do it anymore, I have this sick feeling in my stomach like somthing bad is going to happen.

So many bad things have happened to us I dont know how much more I can take. My kids are beautiful, I love them dearly they dont deserve all this.

DP I love him so much, I can see that he is trying so hard to keep a lid on it, he is a good man, he tries so hard, I cant even begin to explain what has made life so bad. On the surface we are the ideal family, dig down a bit and we still keep it together but any deeper and it is a real mess. i am not depressed. I feel like I am watching my life in slow motion and it is one big fecking car crash and there isnt a damn thing i can do about it but watch it happen. And you know what, niether me, DP or either of our 2 DC's have done a fecking thing wrong. God this is upsetting me to write but i have to get it down. DP is getting a bath right now and so he wont see me cry, i am his rock atm, without me he would have been gone a long time ago.

All I can say is i put on a good act. I wish I didnt have to be so strong, I wish I wasnt so strong, I wouldnt feel this responsibility, why do I have to cope so well? I cant allow myself to crack up, too many people rely on me, too many people think Im a coper, I am a coper, but there isnt a fecking thing I cant do to change our situation and i know that things are going to get worse.

Im rambling now, and anyone reading this deserves a medal, anyone reading this must think in barmy. Really Im not, I am just not
used to being so out of control with our lives. CBT said there are things you can change and there are things you cant do anything about...worry about the things you can change and change them, but what happens when the things you cant change are slowly destroying the people you love??

OP posts:
staryeyed · 07/06/2008 19:37

Im sorry you are finding things difficult. Does your DP have depression?

Original poster
eggshells · 07/06/2008 19:51

DP isnt depressed no. He just thinks sometimes it would be better if he wasnt here. His family have brought a lot of grief on us. (when I say his family I mean his other DC's - he has been married before) I love them dearly and it is killing us both that we cant stop what is happening.

Life is so unfair. I wish more than anything that we could press the reset on our lives.

OMG i hate this so much. I cant protect them and I cant do anything to stop it, I feel so sick.

OP posts:
colacubes · 07/06/2008 20:04

Whats going on eggshells, whats so bad that its got you both at such breaking point? You never know one of us could help, so much experience on here.

staryeyed · 07/06/2008 20:08

what is happening eggshells?

Original poster
eggshells · 07/06/2008 20:10

Nobody can help CC, thanks...

there is no illness to cure, it is just sliding doors iykwim. our family have made choices in their lives, bad choices and we are reaping the consequences

OP posts:
staryeyed · 07/06/2008 20:12

what are the consequences?

brucelovesfrumpygrumpy · 07/06/2008 20:13

without all the detail, its hard to know how to help.

You guys need to make a list of what is important for you, your family and your relationship (assuming that is strong.....or do you want out?). Then you need to be a little selfish and do it. You can't change others behaviour, you can keep yourselves ok.

FWIW, CBT didn't do it for me. I have a new counsellor who is amazing.

Original poster
eggshells · 07/06/2008 20:28

staryeyed..the consequences uptonow are my DS gets hounded in school, my DP sits on a bridge at night wondering whether to jump or not....

BLFG our relationship is v strong...stronger by the day and that is why DP is still with us sts. you hit the nail on the head about changing others behaviour and that is exactly what i am on about. When we are strong we can withstand what anyone throws at us, but when you are weak things can very quickly get out of control

DP feels responsible for what has happened and how it is impacting on our family. Atm this is eating away at him.

he is sitting in the other room atm laughing with the kids, it is really unnerving me as he as trying so hard to put on a brave face for them...i know inside he is cracking up

OP posts:
colacubes · 07/06/2008 20:29

Eggshells, I dont believe for one minute that nobody can help, I have found myself in alot of bad situations in my time, and I,m still here, and sometimes it was a bit of luck and hard work that got me through, and sometimes it was the right word or bit of help from someone else.

staryeyed · 07/06/2008 20:31

Is it possible to sort this out with the school. There should be a bullying policy in place.

Original poster
eggshells · 07/06/2008 20:36

stary..the school are fantastic tbh, DS would get this anywhere

god im cryptic sorry.

the other DC's are quite high profile for all the wrong reasons. Hence the fact I cant do anything about it and hence the helplessness.

I just need to talk, I cant sort it out, I just need to get all of these words out of my head and then maybe I can start to help my family again

OP posts:
staryeyed · 07/06/2008 20:43

Why don't you tell us the whole situation (if you want to that is) and we might be able to offer practical advice/words of encouragement.

colacubes · 07/06/2008 20:46

Eggshells,then let us listen, what do you want to say, we are a very intelligent bunch, and funny at times, we may have a good chin wag!

Original poster
eggshells · 07/06/2008 21:15

I cant Im sorry.....you are a lovely lot, thankyou.......I just need to empty my head so I can think straight again

OP posts:
colacubes · 07/06/2008 21:25

Ok, you can say anything you like, just rant, I talk to myself to get things out sometimes, just mumble out how I feel, what I want to say, or didnt say. If you are the one being strong you probably dont get the chance to vent.

youngbutnotdumb · 07/06/2008 21:28

eggshells

I think u need speak out to someone for all of your sakes you cant go on the way you are living its obviously tearing you and your partner apart and if something isnt done it could get worse.

I know thats harsh but I have been in a bad state before and TBH I find talking on here is good because no1 knows who u r and if u dont want them 2 they never will. Ifu cant talk on here u need to talk to someone u can trust.

Shitemum · 07/06/2008 21:30

eggshells - don't want to out you but when you say the other DCs are high profile is your family related to a recent case in the news?

If not then is the problem an old one? Or is it something that has happened recently?

Could you move away and start again? (Big step I know but would it help?)

youngbutnotdumb · 07/06/2008 21:33

I agree with shitemum(PSML BTW)

When I hit rock bottom I moved away and it is the best thing I ever done for me, my DP and my DS. It is scary and is a HUGE step but does help.

colacubes · 07/06/2008 21:44

Hey eggshells think you have probably buggered off now, but just to say, there is always an answer, even if it seems a distant away, or even impossible.

If you can just deal with today, or the next 10 mins then thats enough, take everyday, everystep, one at a time. Look at every problem separately, and ask others for their advice, fresh eyes and ears can sometimes see new options (trusted friends, or professionals). Dont lump everything together or it will be one big mountain to climb, jump over little bumps, much easier (metaphorically speaking!)

I will check back in, later see if you popped back, if not, good luck and god bless. Maybe speak later.

Original poster
eggshells · 07/06/2008 21:45

SM that is why i cant go into detail...

moving wouldnt help...we considered it but there are too many complications. We would be turning our backs on his DC's if we did that.

ybnd...you are a sweetheart.....

I do have people I can trust...but they have their own problems and I cant offload so much on them....there is no solution, I just have to take life 5 minutes at a time atm

OP posts:
Original poster
eggshells · 07/06/2008 21:46

cc you read my mind...you are a good sort thankyou XXXX 5 minute at a time is all i can deal with atm

OP posts:
youngbutnotdumb · 07/06/2008 21:51

Eggshells I never thought of that turning backs on DC'S would make maters worse especially if there is something going on that is affecting them and I am assuming that something is happening to them.

I only hope that u get the help u all need but remember we r all here for u if u decide to talk.

Original poster
eggshells · 07/06/2008 22:07

thankyou...you have all been lovely, am going to turn in for the night....my DC's need me and Im going to give them a big cuddle, the eldest is having trouble sleeping atm and is wanting me to sit and talk to him , we talk about nice stuff till sleep comes

OP posts:
brucelovesfrumpygrumpy · 07/06/2008 22:22

keep talking eggshells, I don't know your story and we'll help all we can xxxx. Hope you all sleep long and peaceful.

brucelovesfrumpygrumpy · 07/06/2008 22:26

I won't judge. If you need a shoulder......... I have often needed a shoulder and MN helped. Be safe x.