About to crack

[Bernie23]

Feel like I could just collapse. ☹️
I work as a teacher in a very busy school. Never enough time to do anything and feeling huge pressure. Managing the behavior just has me drained every day.
I have 2 children one in year 5. & one at secondary. Husband away from 6.30 am to 6 in evening.
I bring one child to her bus, rush back, walk dog & bring second child to school.
Work all day.
Collect youngest from her site at school. Bring home or do afterschool run depending what day it is. Youngest has music on Tue & Sports on Wed. Oldest has music on Wed.
I get home and oldest asks what’s for dinner!!!!
I do all the homework, test revisions & music practice. Make the break & packed lunches for youngest, make all the appointments, hair for both kids last week. Drs appointment today for eldest, dog groom for this weekend.
Just after work today I ordered a birthday cake for oldest, a Halloween costume for youngest, picked up youngest from music, drove to chemist to pick up script for oldest, home to make dinner & do homework. Oldest yells at me as she can’t find her PE tshirt .. I had told her to get it from the wash basket & she couldn’t see it. When I go and search the basket it is sitting in there!!! I nearly lost it!
I’m just wrecked!

What would you like OP? To reduce your days? your DH to do more? your oldest to do more? All of the above?

I don’t really know. Just sounding off as so tired every day.

Hi OP, that's a lot. I'm through the other side now with adult children (however they bring a different stress). I honestly felt like I was in autopilot when they were younger I have four. There dad was either working away for months or having me time in the pub. I was caring for his parents and mine too. When everything stopped children grew up and moved on parents in law passed away I divorced my husband I was completely lost and fill of anger that I'd never had the opportunity to sit back and savour some moments. Sorry for the long explanation but the point I'm trying to get too is that you have acknowledged that your current routine/workload is too much. Speak to your DH and see if you can take some pressure off.

Teaching is so tiring. It’s a really tough job.

Cant your husband change his hours? Can he do more? One of you needs to reduce your hours. He’s out of the house for a long time.

I’ve been a teacher. Because of the hours/holidays it all often falls on you. So then you’re doing two full time jobs. And just teaching alone is exhausting.

Thank you Icecreamhelps. I have already spoken to hubby. He just says there’s nothing he can do as he is at work.. he can’t change the fact he has to be away in morning/ later in evening. I think a lot comes from the stress of my job. I have to give 100% or else it’s chaotic. Leaves me with absolutely nothing physically & mentally for outside of work.

Sorry but what role is your husband taking? Yes he works long hours but so do you doing all of the child tasks either side of a full days work. Working with children is exhausting. It blags your head and your mind can be so full. (Have worked in schools, in safeguarding and in mental health all with kids and if DH didn’t do more than half my head would be done in!)

Yes, I feel because I am the teacher and home earlier than him that it’s all my responsibility for homework& how well the children get on with their work let alone everything else. He would never think of working on my youngest’s spellings or tables with them.

He will do things like wash the dishes & make the fire when he gets home. Put out & bring in the bin.
At weekends we do take turns doing the uniform ironing & both generally pretty equal cooking.
It’s everything else that keeps the running of the house, the children & day to day living.

Copy your OP into a word document. But in list form so it’s clear the amount of tasks that you do.
Show it to your DH and state that you cannot continue doing everything.

Do you have any outside help, cleaner, could you look at having a dog walker?

@Bernie23 does he understand the stress your under at home and what your job entails?
My ex DH had a very stressful job, it always trumped mine because he worked away or did long hours. He once had to take extended leave so became a SAHD for about 8 months. He couldn't wait to get back to work, he just couldn't cope.
I don't have answers only solidarity for what your going through.

Has he even tried to change his hours? Teaching is doing 2 jobs.

If he won’t step up, I’d be inclined to stay in school until 6.00pm and arrive home just after him. See how he copes! Had he even asked for flexible working?

He conveniently had a job that removes him from the two most stressful times of the day. Why should all that fall on you. You’re running an entire household and working.

Change of hours not possible in his role. He has applied for another job which would be much better hours, but hasn’t heard back yet from it.

I know I often think that but I can’t stay in school until that time as I have my youngest to get and bring home.

Yes he knows how stressful work is and how drained I be ..He would fully support me leaving it to do something else as he can see the impact it has on my health.

Mine used to go to after school club or a childminder. Sometimes l would go home and sit in silence for an hour.

But mostly l would have to stay till 6 at school to get the work done. I had to put mine in childcare to cope with the demands of the job.

Totally get the sitting in silence.. it’s like I never get a chance to switch off, from getting everything ready in the house to everything in the classroom. 😫

OP please consider taking some time off if you need to. Half term coming up can you use that to catch your breath a bit?

Well you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. The decision has been placed on your toes. I don't mean to slate your DH from what you are saying he supports you more than some. However you said in your OP you feel as though you are about to crack so if he can't make changes you will need to for your own sanity and general health. If DH supports you emotionally, physically and financially then that's good. I know know retrospectively that I was the one putting pressure on myself. I had to drop the rope with somethings especially looking after my mother. Holding my hands up and getting social services involved felt like I was admitting I'd failed. But actually doing that saved me. What small things can you delegate to take some pressure off you so you can keep working (I'm assuming you enjoy your job)?

Hi- you need to plan and embed systems and if at all possible throw some money at the problems-

Hire a dog walker?
Cleaner?

i have a family planner on the wall that we update every Sunday for the week ahead and everything goes on there. Each night we check and make sure we are ready for the day ahead.

Dinners- meal plan! 2/3 nights a week is a freezer meal. This would be a pre prepped chilli/spag bol/curry/hearty soup or casserole that is defrosted and only needs rice/pasta heated up to go with. One Sunday a month I make a big amount of one of these and portion it out into meals for the weeks ahead. The other nights you can be more creative/basic as you feel. Get everyone to choose meals they like (about 20) and rotate them over the month.
Toasties and some cut up veg is fine!
scrambled eggs on toast is also good, beans etc. older child can do this?

After school-
Get kids to take out lunch boxes out and emptied and washed. Dried then DP repacks them fully and put in the fridge overnight for the morning. DP the overseas school bags are ready for the next day. This is his job.

Before school- hire a dog walker! This will buy you so much time.

I know I put alot of pressure on myself especially at work. Bit of a control freak and strive for things to be perfect … which I should know can never be in teaching.
I would go if could find something else. I’ve been doing it 20 years and it is getting harder every year.

I don’t really know what I can delegate or who to?

Take a secret few days off work for yourself. No one needs to know x

Hmmm-

There is no such thing as perfect. You know that.

You are headed for burnout. And trust me when I tell you that it will be devastating for you and your family. You need to be good enough.

Burnout is serious.

@Bernie23 I still put pressure on myself (not so much anymore) it's taken me sometime to actually reflect that I did this. I was asked to work by my manager this weekend it was crucial for performance. I'd booked the weekend off for a family event so apologised and declined. I still felt a bit guilty. I found out today that my manager had been off all weekend gaming no shits give. I step in to save people, situations anything that needs saving but me. The only place this got me to was being burnt out. My dad used to say look after number 1. I alway thought he was selfish now I understand.

But something has to give. Either use childcare, or hire a cleaner or a dog walker or go part time. Those are your options.

Otherwise you will be the one that gives.

How long had your Dh had his job? Why did you both think it would be a good idea for him to be out of the house 12 1/2 hours when you have a horribly demanding job?