I have been married for 11 years, 3 kids. 10, 8 and 2 this week. I’ve always suffered with anxiety ( health anxiety more but I worry a lot about everything and over think) since the pregnancy of my 3rd child I started with quite bad mental health problems and physical problems, I was physically sick for the entire 9 months and mentally I wasn’t ok. That went away as soon as she was born, but I had my in laws staying, during the birth I had a huge blood loss and also a 2nd degree tear and it was bad. I came home to a messy house and dh and mil didn’t care and I was up and doing housework the same day and physically I haven’t been ok since then, mentally my mil kept baby with her so much and it got to the point I was crying in babies dirty clothes just to smell her because I felt like she was being took away. Eventually I healed but physically was still weak and mentally fragile. On my daughters first birthday party last year, I don’t know what happened but ever since that day I suffered with some kind of lightheadness that I can only describe as being on a boat, I’ve never had panic attacks but this triggered panic attacks which were bad and it was even affecting my sleep. I’ve been to the doctors multiple times but I have health anxiety and don’t want to take the medication because I’m scared. I did get better for about 7 months but now I’m loosing it, my heart rate goes up anywhere I go and I get lightheaded, I can’t go to the supermarket anymore, I took my toddler for a walk this afternoon and got to the end of the street before I ran back and my heart was beating out of my chest and I was lightheaded and shaky for an hour after. I feel like I’m constantly going to die. I can’t live like this anymore, I’m a stay at home mom, we are renovating and moving to a different area, I’m currently driving 4 hours a day because we changed the kids schools but I’ve been doing this journey since June and we still haven’t moved. I’m exhausted, husband is never home because he’s a builder and doing our renovation. I feel like I have no space to breathe, I’m constantly with the kids doing everything and all the housework. I feel like I can’t cope anymore on top of all the physical feelings.
ive booked a doctors appointment for Wednesday, I’m scared I’m going to kill myself because of how bad I am, my anxiety attacks are getting worse. I cannot go on like this. Any advice would be appreciated