Is anyone happy as an adult?

[summerbeaches]

I’m 43 years old. All I’ve wanted in life is to be happy, yet all I’ve felt in my adult life is sadness. I don’t remember when I last felt happy. To clarify, I’m not suicidal or have any intent to harm myself.

I left an abusive marriage, horrible divorce and changed careers. Keep failing in my new career, have 4 very close friends , go on holidays and have hobbies. Own house car etc. paying off debt from divorce costs. No children.

Finding it so hard to meet someone. Last relationship he ghosted me after a year. Now finally thought I had met someone but I think he’s fading me out/ghosting.

My younger siblings are in happy relationships, children, debt free and good careers. I’m very close to them.My dad died 2 years ago and went through that alone. Mum constantly puts me down and tells me how Ionely she is and how I’m a useless child. I spend all my birthdays alone and nobody ever celebrates them.

From the outside, it looks like I have a great life. But I’m so lonely and cannot remember if I have ever felt happiness as an adult.

I’ve been on antidepressants and had counselling a few times.

is adult life just about feeling sad or anxious about things most the time, or are people actually happy with their lives?

I was actually thinking this the other day. I happened to drive past an old house I lived in 15 years ago and drive through the old neighbourhood and it suddenly hit me just how unhappy I am now as I could just so vividly remember how happy I was with my life back then and how content I was. It really unsettled me and I’ve tried to put it to the back of my mind to be honest as I’m not sure what I can do about it!

Mum constantly puts me down and tells me how Ionely she is and how I’m a useless child.

I’d put good money on this being the crux of your problem / your outlook on adult life.

It sounds as though you have self esteem issues, most probably from the way your family treat you. That is not ok. You are lucky to have 4 close friends and hobbies. Do your friends not celebrate your birthday with you? In what way are you failing in your career?

Thanks for the replies. I’ve had a lot of counselling around this and have firm boundaries in place with her. Tbh I hardly ever speak to her or see her now.

Friends are all busy with their children etc. my sisters don’t live close by and have young children. I keep failing a really important exam for my career.

I’m glad you’ve put boundaries in place Sounds like a blip that is making you remember sad feelings but don’t let this overwhelm you . Do you have other chances to pass this exam? How will you feel when you pass it? It’s normal to feel low if you’ve only just failed. I’d perhaps arrange a time to get together with friends even if they bring their kids. It will do you good. Good luck.

I know exactly how you feel. My mother used to hit me around the head, constantly belittle me and not buy me food, even though she was getting maintenance from my father. In the winter I either had to sit on the floor to do my homework or get into bed as I was not allowed any heating in my room. I felt like a prisoner in my own home. Then she told me when the divorce came through and I had to leave home she never wanted to see me again. She got her wish as I went no contact and vowed she would never do to my children what she did to me.
if you can, it helps to talk to someone in confidence, but no-one could completely understand unless they have been through it themselves.
One day I hope I have what I most long for - peace of mind - and I sincerely hope you find it too. Xx

Your OP has mixed messages;

I don’t remember when I last felt happy. and I spend all my birthdays alone and nobody ever celebrates them

Yet have 4 very close friends, go on holidays and have hobbies and My younger siblings are in happy relationships, children, debt free and good careers. I’m very close to them

Don't you have any happy times with your close friends and your siblings? Why aren't birthdays spent with your friends and family?

No it's not normal to be sad and anxious. Life should have plenty of happiness and fun at all ages. I also think things can change and even if you have suffered a lot you can be happy again.

What would you say is really the root of your unhappiness?

Where do you get the most satisfaction from your current life?

It’s hard to explain. I have happy times with my close friends, sisters and nephews. But underneath it all I’m sad and empty.

OK. What would happy look like?

I love spending time with my close friends/family. I also love my job - but failing the exam repeatedly is so tough. I think the root cause of my unhappiness is loneliness. Twice I’ve felt in my life that maybe things are about to get better - then either they go downhill again or I’m hit with something new.

Oh this is awful. I’m so sorry you went through this and are now going through the repercussions of this. I really hope you find peace of mind x

Pass my exam so I can progress. The exam is costing £800 per sitting.
To be in a happy relationship - I’m so sick of dating being ghosted etc.

I can understand that - loneliness is a terrible thing and can really weigh you down. Life seems altogether less meaningful when you are lonely. And in your case there seem to be multiple layers of loneliness - a bitter divorce, being single, perhaps feeling on the outside while your siblings have their family units, the loss of your father, a lack of love from your mother. It's a lot.
I hope you can build outwards starting from the solid ground of friendships and a fulfilling job.

Can your siblings help with the cost of the exam? Or worth putting on a credit card if there will be a decent increase in income as a result?

Sorry to be cliched but the happy relationship has to be with yourself first and foremost – it's not fair (or realistic) to rely on someone else for your happiness, in the same way you wouldn't want to be the sole reason for a partner's happiness.

Has any of the counselling addressed the issue with your mother?

This guide might be useful to understanding the origins of your feelings;

www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

Therapy, activities you love, community activism eg volunteering and meet ups with others looking to socialise could help? Absolutely not normal you should feel like that and you deserve to start enjoying life ASAP! Waiting for a partner to ‘fix’ this isn’t the right approach - it has do come from within you because partners can come and go. Contact with your mum needs to be carefully managed so you are okay mentally with it and a good therapist is best to help navigate that! Best of luck, time to focus on what brings enjoyment! Birthdays are just arbitrary dates so don’t worry about not celebrating, which is perfectly common, unless you want to!

I think there’s two things isn’t there, the exam and wider life. I would probably be tempted to sort the exam first: partly because it sounds like it will open doors and partly so that stress is gone and you can then have the headspace to tackle your mental health more widely.

what would help me at this point and clearly it may be different for you: do you have feedback on what / why you are failing? Is there online help/ could you pay someone to tutor you/ what revision methods are you using?

What is holding you back from passing your exam? I’d look at that first as to me, that looks like the most solvable in the short term. If it costs £800 that is a lot of money to spend and then to not pass, so I’d be prepared to invest more to hopefully achieve a better outcome. So tutoring, extra lessons, practice exams. Is it nerves? Can you ask for any accommodations to help with that? Do you know anyone who has passed who you can get advice from?

I think there’s already some great advice in this thread, and I’ll add something that has helped me personally. I’d suggest looking into neuroplasticity and how we can influence our brain chemistry through positive affirmations.
What I do is repeat affirmations in the mirror, even if it feels a little forced at first. At the end of each day, I take a moment to reflect on what I’m grateful for. Gratitude, in my experience, is one of the most powerful ways to build contentment and happiness in life.
You could start by appreciating things like your health, your home, having hot water and food, or your friends. Try writing down three things you’re grateful for each day, and pair that with affirmations about what you like about yourself. With consistency, this practice willl transform how you feel.

As a chiid you are happier because you are more in the moment. As an adult you forget this and worry about things that need to happen to make you happy. Go back to enjoying the little things, it really does help.

This ghosting thing that's going round seems to be the new craze. It's terrible but so many people are ghosting others nowadays.
Don't take these 2 ghosters personally. It's them, not you.

It sounds like you’re placing a great deal of importance on being in a relationship to make you happy. Why do you think that is? I understand that it’s horrible to feel lonely but that can be solved by broadening your circle of friends.

When I was single and lonely, I joined an am-dram group and made some amazing new friends. Happiness doesn’t just land in your lap, you have to go out there and find it.

I’ve also found that happiness comes from serving others before myself. Once a month I volunteer at a local charity. Originally I did it to bolster my CV for work but I’ve found real joy in the time I spend with other volunteers helping those who are less fortunate.

Just about to say this.
It nasty , totally uncalled for and Untrue.
id be given her a wide berth from now on /lc.
update. Glad to see you don’t see her much and have therapy for this.

Despite what some people in here say , I think some people are less happy than others. I'm 61 and don't really remember a time in my life when I've actually been happy or even content for more than a day or two at a time.

DH ( who has the happiness/content gene) and I often joke about this . My inabilty to see the brightside of much without a lot of effort on my part. Weirdly I am actually more optimistic about some things than DH is, not the big stuff ( politics, climate change etc) but whether personal things will work out etc. I am just less happy or appreciative if things do work out than DH is and more unhappy if they don't.

I think I read somewhere that research suggests people have a set happiness point and after a very happy or very sad events in their lives are over. they return to that point throughout their lives. It can shift a bit up or down over a lifetime but usually not by much

So perhaps whether we are a fundamentally satisfied/happy person or a dissatisfied/unhappy one is set by a combination of genes and environment ( like most aspects of human personality)

I don't know the answer but weirdly I am a bit less unhappy nowadays when I've stopped longing to be a more sunny personality.