Clawing yourself out of a very deep depression - is it possible?

[Julietheknowall]

Possible to get to a good place and actually enjoy life again?

Even a single depressed free day does not feel like a reality for me right now.

I have experience episodes of depression on/off all my life but the last few years have been the worse I have ever felt, right here and now it's dreadful. As it stands I believe that I will ever feel mentally well ever again.

I cry on/off all day. The only joy in my life is my hot water bottle, my bed and sleep. I just want to sleep all day long, it is the only place I feel free. Sleep makes me feel like I have escaped to somewhere wonderful.

I just can not shake this deep melancholy darkness. My mum has advanced Alzheimer's and I fear that I am heading that way too, I think something big must be going on in my brain. I can't enjoy anything in my life anymore. I don't want to go out, I don't want to converse with anyone which then leaves me with dreadful guilt as I live with my dh and teen dc and need to visit my elderly parents regularly. I don't want my kids seeing their mum so low and it's not fair on my dh either. I don't want to do anything for anyone anymore. I want to lay in my bed day in and day out. The smile on my face is false, it doesn't feel part of me and when I talk I don't feel the words coming out, I am on autopilot whilst amongst other people. I have stopped seeing friends and will probably loss them but right now I don't care tbh, I can't tolerate the stress of other people.

And I need to get back to work. I have been out of work for almost a year due to my mental and physical health (aches, pains, feeling nauseated every day/all day long and I struggle with a daily upset tummy which adds to my stress). I am now in debt and need to return to work but not sure how the hell I am going to do this whilst feeling so crap.

I have tried everything to feel better. I wish I could take a pill but all the medication I have tried has made me feel dreadful and very much exacerbated my gut issues, my gut issues are one of the main things which trigger my depression. I wish there was a medication which would not upset my gut.

Nothing I have tried recently has been helping to make me feel better (apart from sleep but it is not ideal to sleep on/off all day!). I feel as though I have taken a wrong turn down a one way street on my life's journey and I can not find my way back - my mental satnav has malfunctioned. I very much fear this is my life forever more.

How do I drag myself out of this mental and physical black hole? Has anyone done this and how did you do it?

I did it about 3 years ago. I had a complete breakdown and was even planning to take my own life. Thankfully I reached out to my GP who immediately put me on Citalopram and referred me to the Crisis team who help me out of my black hole with daily visits while the meds were given time to start working. I also went on the waiting list for counselling and has several one to one sessions.

I am so much better now but I could not have done it on my own, so my advice would be to speak to your GP as the first step.

I think you need meds to shift it. It’s a chemical issue.

I had to struggle through the digestive discomfort and nausea until they worked and then it was brilliant. Night and day.

Beta blockers surprisingly sorted my gut out. Not sure if you can take them at the same time as anti Ds but if you can I’d recommend.

Keep speaking the the GP and keep trying to find one that works. I know it’s hard but as you say, this is for the kids, so you have to keep on and get sorted for them. 💐

I'm so sorry to hear about how you are feeling, it really is a desperately awful feeling. That was me back in May this year, like you my bed was my only sanctuary and I felt I was sleeping my life away just to escape from the gloom that suffocated me when I was awake. The crisis team have been amazing and without them I'm not sure I'd be here. Please reach out to your GP and get help. It's a long road but with the right support you can get there. I've started to have days now where I actually feel ok with the world. Small steps, mine is usually having a daily shower, no pressure on yourself.

This was me eight years ago. I lost triplets, they were stillborn, i didnt speak to anyone apart from my young dc for 3 months just stared blankly into space 99 percent of the time. Tried to kill myself mutiple times.
Took me to go to talking therapy to start getting better, tried anti depressants but they made me worse.
Slowly improved but then had other stresses in life making it flare up, so I removed those stresses went NC with those making my mood low and ive been much better since.
Speak to your GP it is the first step. X

Thank you, I am glad to hear you found a way to feel better.

I will speak with my GP this week if I can get an appointment.

I have tried Sertraline, Citalopram, Fluoxetine and Venlafaxine but they made my gut so much worse that I could not function. I gave them each around 6 weeks but could not tolerate them any longer. I have an extremely sensitive digestive system, more so than anyone that I know.

I have been offered Escitalopram but am worried they will upset me as with the others.

I have never been offered betablockers but my sister has just been prescribed Propranolol as we are both under a lot of stress atm. I may ask my GP about those even if they just help with the physical issues like the muscle tension and panic that I keep getting.

Thank you.

Thank you. So good to hear you are having better days, I find that reassuring. Wishing you many more better days to come.

I am so sorry for your losses, that must have been very tough.

I will try to see the GP this week, thank you x

Even if for whatever reason you don’t do antiDs just now take the propranolol if the gp prescribes it and see how your gut is.

Do you keep a food diary? If not start one now. I know it’s another chore but you may need it to work out any changes.

It’s hard to eat healthy food when you can barely function but if you can that would be good.

I found out that there are hidden sweeteners in many things that didn’t use to have them and I was thinking I’d no idea why I was in the loo all the time until I noticed the ingredients. Even in kefir and protein yoghurts tgat are supposed to be healthy! Madness.

So trust nothing. No “Ive always been fine with tomatoes” or Pepsi or whatever. Write it down and then if you get tummy troubles gp through everything one by one. It’s not always what you eat on the day either, it can be two days later that things move through your gut that it flares up.

You deserve to be happy. And you will be. You just need to keep ploughing through the meds til you find the holy grail.

So sorry you are feeling this way. I understand and especially last year I felt like you. I still get lots of days where the blackness is awful and I also suffer with terrible nausea, the depression and nausea seem to feed off of one another.

I just wonder how old you are? I’m only asking as since I hit menopause my depression has got so much worse. I’m trying to take the right vitamins and on a low dose of HRT (not sure this has ever helped) but once I knew why I started to feel so dark it helped a little.

You will find happiness again, I know that seems alien at the moment, but you will trust me. Nothings stays the same and you won’t always be this way.

I'll definitely try the propranolol, hopefully I can get a prescription this week.

I have kept a food, symptoms and mood diary for years but I don't always see much of a connection. I eat a very basic diet due to my gut issues and avoid many triggers foods which do include artificial sweeteners too, I just can not tolerate those at all.

Thank you for the advice.

I'm 52 so neck deep in perimenopause and it's certainly became so much worse since this period of my life. I am on hrt but it's not helping. I've tried various methods and dosages. It's helped with the hot sweats but not much more sadly.

Thank you for the kind words, I do live in hope it will get better.

It’s so unfair isn’t it, what with having to deal with depression and perimenopause added to it. Like you I’ve tried very high dose, low dose and all in between and nothing has helped me mentally.

Sorry I’m not much help but just wanted you to know you are not alone in this

Sorry you have been having trouble too. Fingers crossed that we can find some relief from it all very soon - I live in hope.

Thanks Julie. Yes having hope is so important. We’ll get there

I had 40 years of being very not attached to this mortal coil and a huge black cloud that lived above my head.

Introducing paroxetine (liquid anti depressant, allows for the wussies like me to literally start with a single drop and work up to a therapeutic dose). Things were much much better within months.

Then I had a nervous breakdown. Thank you very much perimenopause for joining the party.

HRT added, back to living well above the cloud cover.

Then thyroid broke.

And, dear god seriously how many things is depression a symptom of and why do I collect them ?

Added levothyroxine.

Back to living the happiest life I’ve had since my mid teens. And it is LOVELY.

But am prepared to jump up and down vigorously on the next organ that malfunctions and returns me, like Pootle, under the black cloud.

It is possible. And worth every bit of the upward trudge, two steps forward, fall flat on your face, get up again and keep going between you and whatever will help lift you back up where you belong.

Therapy has changed my life. I took antidepressants for a while as well but talking to someone made the biggest difference. I now have tools to help lift myself up when I can feel myself sliding.

Try the book ‘Love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Ravikant, it got me through a dark time. You need to do the exercises but they are very simple.

Counselling too. But you can read the book immediately.

I would love to try a liquid version of an antidepressant and go in low and slow. I have no idea why my GP has never offered me this (costs I suspect), I am very hypersensitive to any changes in my body and antidepressants seem to really affect me and not in a positive way, if I could take a drop at a time it may help me. I'll see if they could prescribe me something like that.

It's so annoying when things come along and slap you back. Ten years ago I felt the best I have ever felt but it was short lived once my son's 5 year long school anxiety, my mum's dementia diagnosis and my own perimenopause decided to join the party - urgh!

Can I ask what type of therapy helped you?

Thank you, I'll check that out.

My friend in another country did. Hers started when she couldn't get married. Her identity was wrapped up in men, marriage and kids. She had money from her aunt and got married with an idiotic male gold digger who loathed her, used her and wrecked her, then got an affair when the money dried.

My friend understood she made all life be about a man's dick and just decided against it in her mind. She's single now, very happy and full of stamina, works in a factory making cards and other decorations and loves it.

I know it sounds cliche, but life is made of cycles. Some are better than others. Understand that you are in a bad position now but won’t be forever may help, but I guess you need to seek help to get there.

I suffer a lot with MH but because meds make it worse, I manage my episodes with intense exercise (those that make you want to puke) and CBD. I also do weekly talk therapy.

Everyone is different, so you need to find out what works for you.

Hope you feel better soon!

Discover the idea which started it....then decide against its darkness and decide there is joy in living completely ordinary, average, down to earth life

My friend did it without any meds or therapists, he finished her money. But she had tons of self help books and they all said the same thing: you are the owner of your mind, you decide how happy you want to be and then you become it.

I never had any money so was busy making my way in western Europe by being aupair