Clawing yourself out of a very deep depression - is it possible?

[Julietheknowall]

Possible to get to a good place and actually enjoy life again?

Even a single depressed free day does not feel like a reality for me right now.

I have experience episodes of depression on/off all my life but the last few years have been the worse I have ever felt, right here and now it's dreadful. As it stands I believe that I will ever feel mentally well ever again.

I cry on/off all day. The only joy in my life is my hot water bottle, my bed and sleep. I just want to sleep all day long, it is the only place I feel free. Sleep makes me feel like I have escaped to somewhere wonderful.

I just can not shake this deep melancholy darkness. My mum has advanced Alzheimer's and I fear that I am heading that way too, I think something big must be going on in my brain. I can't enjoy anything in my life anymore. I don't want to go out, I don't want to converse with anyone which then leaves me with dreadful guilt as I live with my dh and teen dc and need to visit my elderly parents regularly. I don't want my kids seeing their mum so low and it's not fair on my dh either. I don't want to do anything for anyone anymore. I want to lay in my bed day in and day out. The smile on my face is false, it doesn't feel part of me and when I talk I don't feel the words coming out, I am on autopilot whilst amongst other people. I have stopped seeing friends and will probably loss them but right now I don't care tbh, I can't tolerate the stress of other people.

And I need to get back to work. I have been out of work for almost a year due to my mental and physical health (aches, pains, feeling nauseated every day/all day long and I struggle with a daily upset tummy which adds to my stress). I am now in debt and need to return to work but not sure how the hell I am going to do this whilst feeling so crap.

I have tried everything to feel better. I wish I could take a pill but all the medication I have tried has made me feel dreadful and very much exacerbated my gut issues, my gut issues are one of the main things which trigger my depression. I wish there was a medication which would not upset my gut.

Nothing I have tried recently has been helping to make me feel better (apart from sleep but it is not ideal to sleep on/off all day!). I feel as though I have taken a wrong turn down a one way street on my life's journey and I can not find my way back - my mental satnav has malfunctioned. I very much fear this is my life forever more.

How do I drag myself out of this mental and physical black hole? Has anyone done this and how did you do it?

I do try and think that way and I believe that's probably what keeps me going. I just live in constant hope that my issues will get better at some point and I can go through a period of respite. If I don't keep that train if thought going I think I'd fully give up tbh.

I've never considered CBT. I have often wondered if medical marijuana could help but I'm a bit scared to go down that route.

My only ambition is to live a very basic, down to earth life. I love nature and have zero interest in material items and the likes.

It's all the emotional and family stress which seems to drive a lot of my issues. I'm a life long people pleaser which has been detrimental to my mental health over the years.

I hope you find talented therapist to go to the root of this initial thought root and reroute your whole mindset towards healthy positivity ...🙏

I have liquid ADs, Citalopram. It's easy to underdose so make sure you measure out your dose carefully in the early days to get the full benefit. Good luck for the future op, I was you until my mid 40s then found Citalopram and started living again. Have been on a low dose for 25 years and don't intend stopping. Don't want to return to the dark, ever.

That's reassuring, thank you.

I was referred for CBT with the NHS but was lucky enough to have access to private therapy through my husband’s health insurance. Due to a mix up I actually didn’t have CBT but just talked to a therapist for an hour a week for approximately 2 years.

Hmm I wonder if in perimenopause your coping strategies (people pleasing) are failing and your mind and body are saying NO! I think you need to listen. You can’t shrug off your responsibilities, but sounds like you need to put yourself first.

Im really well, having suffered with depression since the age of about 10, and I’ve done everything over the years. Still on medication and expect to be for life. Had a total breakdown in my mid 30s. Medication is key for me - try and see a psychiatrist if you can. But there’s lots more. I’m a huge fan of Dr Claire Weekes. Her writing is about anxiety ‘nervous illness’ and there was not much treatment for depression when she was writing. But she characterises depression as depletion - as a deep, deep fatigue that eventually encompasses not just the physical, emotional, and mental, but also the ‘spiritual’ - in other words feeling life is not worth the struggle. This resonates with me. She says you must not fight depression but relax into it. Do what you can. Be kind to yourself. Don’t judge yourself by others’ standards or arbitrary societal standards.

Im not going to pretend it’s easy, but it is possible. This year I’ve had several spontaneous moments of being glad to be alive. That’s for the first time in my whole life! I’m 49! I’m glad none of my suicide attempts were successful. In the past I didn’t care.

Long post, sorry, but I guess I’m saying it’s possible and you have to love and care for yourself, don’t criticise yourself, find small things that bring you comfort, joy or a smile, treat yourself with kindness and behave as though you believe recovery is possible and there are professionals and others who can help you.

Unfortunately exercise worked for me. If you are physically able to then have a 5 minute walk, stick to the sunshine if you can. Then back to bed.
Keep doing it, it's boring and will take a while to feel tolerable but it should slowly get the ball rolling for you.

I’m sorry for your troubles OP.

Yes, I did claw myself out from a very dark place. I don’t know that I have a simple solution, it was a mix of medication, therapy, family, taking each day as it came, getting out of the house when I was able to. A slow slow realisation that some days were less bad than others.

I did better when I had something to do, so painting, knitting, sewing, a trip to the post office. I would also try to sit outside for 5-10 mins if the weather was nice. Sometimes I would put the radio on, the music and chat helped fill the void in my own thoughts.

It also isn’t linear, up some days and down the next, but the slow overall trend was upward. There will always be a little bit lingering in me, I’m ok with that.

I can’t help much OP I feel very similar, but your comment about gut issues really stood out to me. Have you had any testing done? Anxiety and depression can be symptoms of coeliac disease - along with about 200 other symptoms.

To clarify there are around 200 symptoms of coeliac disease but you don’t need to have all 200 to be diagnosed they are just indicators. It’s diagnosed through blood tests and endoscopy. It may not be related to your depression at all but wanted to mention in case it was worth exploring for you.

I sank into the most awful depressive black hole about 10 years ago. I couldn't function at all and just stayed in bed for months. My kids were teenagers and although I didn't want them to see me like that,I was unable to do anything about it.
I tried all kinds of anti depressants but they made my IBS flare up. However, citalopram and propranolol worked wonders. It took a couple of months for everything to calm down,but it started the process of dragging me out of my hole.

Yes, it absolutely is.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Like you, I have had regular and periodic periods of poor mental health throughout my life - both depression & anxiety. A few years ago I had a severe breakdown, was unable to work for 2 years and moved in with my parents for a while because I couldn't take care of myself.

It's been a long road back but things did start to improve after about 18 months, when I finally found an anti depressant which helped (duloxetine). The GP surgery practically had me on suicide watch for some time, with regular check ins to make sure I didn't.

I've had several rounds of NHS therapy & a few dose increases. I also had an ongoing prescription for propranolol which helped with anxiety attacks. I've lived a quieter, smaller life during my recovery and now at the point where I feel I'm continuing to build solid foundations to enable me to go back to work full time (I've worked part time in a downstepped role for a while). Although there were several contributing factors to my breakdown, both long & short term, I do now have a diagnosis of ADHD and it might be worth exploring whether you're a fit for a neurodivergent condition - these are frequently worse during (peri) menopause.

You can and will get better.

Have you ever had your digestive issues investigated? Aside from medical investigation, which I do recommend, relaxation exercises could help - not overnight but they should make a difference. Breathwork, meditation, progressive muscle relaxation...start with 5 to 10 minutes every day. Peppermint also helps (tea, oil capsules).

Definitely go back to your gp for both problems.

Small baby steps, op. If all you can do is focus on the next hour then that's fine. Strip your life back to the essentials and don't worry about the rest. Speak to step change for advice with your debt, they should help you get something sorted and maybe some breathing space.

Are you still employed? If so look at a phased return to work with plenty of employer support and adjustments. They have a duty of care.

Eat one decent meal a day, it will help trust me.