Would it be easier for me to just accept that I will probably never be fully happy/content/relaxed or at ease with myself and life?

[Undermyheatedblanket]

I have struggled with poor mental health since I was a child.

Now 52 and as each year moves on I seem to move even deeper in with these poor mental health issues. I have awful anxiety, depression is getting worse each year, my life long ocd behaviour is still with me as strong as ever and even though I put a mask on to the outside world I feel constantly on edge and I am secretly down-right miserable.

I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD earlier this year and scored very high on the QBcheck. I have tried the medication prescribed (as I have with endless antidepressant prescriptions) but they exacerbate my already horrible daily IBS symptoms which I have had for 30 years. I have other various chronic physical issues too which seem to run alongside my mental ones and it's a bit of a mind-bend trying to establish if they run separately to one another, feed off each other or are fully connected. No one can give me a clear answer.

Since I was quite a young adult I have been so proactive in trying to feel better. I only drink water and eat as healthily as I can. I walk out in nature with my dog every day. I meditate, I practise yoga etc......maybe I would feel worse without these things but I often feel as though I am just wading through concrete.

I have had endless and I mean endless cbt and counselling sessions over many years (started in the 20's). I have tried the more unusal therapies too like EMDR and many alternative things like tapping. I am currently on week 2 of another set of sessions with a different counsellor. I can't afford private sessions so I go via charities. I am currently having counselling via a local college where the counsellors are still in training. I often wonder if I had the money and could pay for a well established and very experienced psychiatrist or counsellor if I would gain more from that? I will never know as I will probably never have the funds. I just wish I could have my brain 'reset' to function as a normal person, like everyone that I know.

I often ponder why did I struggle so much with such an over-active mind as a child and even more so as an adult? Could it be the adhd? I wasn't offered any counselling or much advice after the assessment and feel that I have been left in limboland with the diagnosis, I have shelved it tbh as I don't really now that to do with the diagnosis. I don't talk about it with anyone as most people I know believe adhd to be something made up or it's bad parenting if seen in children, so I keep quiet.

I really don't know how to move on from my constant feeling of high anxiety and low melancholy with a shit load of agitation and everything else in-between.

At 52 I think I need to accept that my life is and always will be a little bit shit because my brain is somehow wired differently from the average persons but that leaves me feeling quite sad as I am desperate to feel 'normal' and move through life in a 'normal' fashion but maybe acceptance is more important?

Same. Im never not worried. I think ill just have to live with it.

I feel the same. Had mental health issues since I was a child. Nothing helps. Just got to live with it which is easier said than done some days

I'm sorry you both also struggle BlueDressontheLine and aeroplaneoverthesea

I did have some acceptance therapy last year, I didn't find it too helpful but maybe it's because I'm constantly fighting this and need to just step back and accept it's never going to leave me. I really struggle with that mindset though, I live in constant hope that one day I may get some relief from it all.

Yeah its not great. Anxiety is shit.

I do think that accepting some things makes it easier and takes the fight out of it. It’s tough though. I’ve had mental health issues since a teenager and it’s hard.

I am currently on week 2 of another set of sessions with a different counsellor.

Do you meet them first to get a feel for whether there's a good fit?

I've had ADHD coaching via Access to Work and to be honest the best coaching I've had was with a private coach I found. It's not cheap though but she gets it and gets me.

Have you tried ADHD coaching? Its a different kettle of fish to counselling altogether. Would you consider applying for PIP as that could be used to pay for it?

I have inattentive ADHD. Asides meds the only other true relief is in heavy weight lifting for me - lifting weights either at home or the gym.

I feel dogged by it too. I’ve lowered my AD dose (when I started feeling like a zombie) and added Ashwagandha, this helps me day to day (to mask without feeling I’m having to mask). I hope you find a way to improve things. I’m starting to believe in doing your own therapy; asking yourself why you do certain things, telling yourself not to worry etc

Sadly I can not afford any kind of private therapy or counselling. I don't work atm as I care for my mum who has advanced Alzheimer's.

My counsellor is still in training via our local college, she is lovely though and I've really clicked with her.

As I claim carers allowance I've been very fortunate to get the sessions for free.

Thank you. I've been considering taking a supplement which contains ashwagandha (and L theanine), are you finding it of any benefit?

I'm the same. If it's any consolation OP I've spent £1000s on therapy, so I don't think that makes any difference.

I'm sorry you have not had any luck with the therapy. I too have spent a small fortune on various things over the decades but nothing really eases anything that I feel.

I find it all so depressing tbh, I have spent so many years 'fighting' this and trying so desperately to be normal (whatever normal actually is?). I feel as though I am giving up with the acceptance thing and I will never be like those around me.

Maybe I just need to grieve that feeling before I move onto the acceptance?

We’re you assessed for autism too?

I was diagnosed autistic and adhd as an adult. Having had life long mental health problems. Once I understood I was different and no amount of effort or therapy could change I was neurodivergent my mental health struggles completely disappeared. I structure my life to avoid the things that overwhelm me and include decompression time to recover when I’ve been very socially active- instead of forcing myself because ‘everyone else can do this!’ And then feeling terrible I’m such a failure of a person.

then there is the part where you have to accept you will not be happy about many things. I wish I could manage a high power job and bring in loads of money rather than the job I have now. I wish I could cope with trains and the crush of people at the theatre etc as I’d love to do those things. But I’m not able to do those things and still function in the days after. I’m lucky that I love being a mother so when I feel bad I don’t have something I remember that if I did then I would be struggling to parent as well as I do and ultimately being a good mother is the most impotent thing to me.

Your last sentence really resonates with me. I have never felt comfortable in crowds, busy and loud place or with more than a few people at any one time etc and sadly have never been able to tolerate high pressure and highly paid jobs. My DC are now late teens and when they were young I became a sahm. I can honestly say they were the most contented years I have ever lived through during my lifetime, I felt at home and at peace for the first time ever. I love being a parent.

I do feel I probably have a lot of autistic traits (I think my 19 year old ds does too) but I've been told the waiting list in our area for assessment is approx 5 years and sadly I don't have the funds for a private assessment for either of us.

Yes, I feel like this too. A while ago I did one of those dna tests, I researched a load of the genes on it only to find out that I’m very much predisposed to anxiety, ocd, stress and adhd. In a weird way it made me feel better, obviously these genetics are just tendencies but it was like reading a description of myself and all I struggle with. I suppose this has helped me accept the way I am a little more.

I also don’t like crowds, noisy places, can’t do group socialising etc so I completely understand how you feel. What you said about being a SAHM…I feel the same, I loved those years. Mine are teens now and I still, daily, miss those years. I don’t think, like you, I will ever feel that content again. Now I have a job that I’m grateful to have but everyday is just dragging myself through it and having to act outwardly completely different to how I feel inwardly.

I'd love to do one of those DNA tests, which one did you use.

It's reassuring to know there are other people out there secretly feeling the way I do. I often feel quite alone with my experiences throughout my life.

Tik tok and Instagram have helped me a little bit. Have a look for adhd and autism content creators, it’s so reassuring to know other people feel the same way and you can pick up little tips which suit ND brains, lots of the advice out there is for NT people and it isn’t going to work. I’d also recommend B12 supplements if you can take those.

Have you thought about psychoanalysis? Anxiety, low mood and a sense of dissatisfaction from life is kind of their bread and butter. It seems like your difficulties have been entrenched for so long that surface-level intervention like tapping, counselling, CBT don’t cut it. A deeper understanding seems to be indicated.
i am pretty sure psychoanalytic institutes offer reduced fees . If you are in london, there are quite a few institutes Manchester/birmingham, essex will have some too. If not, you can contact them to ask for online reduced fees and see if they can offer something. Good luck

Just to add to the replies, I notice that you’ve said you have teens and that you’re a carer for your mother who has Alzheimer’s? Both of those are incredibly demanding, so don’t underestimate the pressure you’re under and the effect of the stress on your mental health, even if you don’t recognise it as stress

I do follow a lot of people with adhd and autism on IG and TT. My teen dd would send me clips and that made me come to the realisation I may be neurodiverse.

I will get some B12 supplements as my levels are a little low, thank you.

Thank you, sadly I can not afford to pay privately for anything right now but I will look to see if there is anything like that in my area.

Thank you. I won't lie, I am under a significant amount of stress regarding my poor mum, it's been a long 7 years and a fall in the summer has exacerbated her dementia which is beyond heartbreaking to see. I cry every day for her and I know that is not helping my mental health one little bit.

I feel exactly like this. Im my case i think chronic inflammation from physical issues affects my mental health. I feel like everyday is an effort. There's rarely any joy. I feel as though I do all thr right things e.g meditation but nothing helps as its how my mind and body are.

This is good advice.
CBT is pointless for anything except surface level issues.

If you haven't made any progress over the years it sounds like you have deep rooted issues probably from your early childhood or infancy.

Have you any memories or understanding of what your childhood was like?
What was your relationship with your parents like as a child?
What was your parents relationship like?

Do you have a critical inner voice?

I'm sorry you are struggling also, not much fun is it?

I have many physical issues too and wonder if it could be an inflammation issue. Have you ever followed an anti-inflammatory diet? It's something I keep seeing on sm and wonder if it could help me?

Sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time OP. I noticed you haven’t mentioned much about your personal circumstances and in some situations I think that’s relevant to how people feel. Some people have ‘perfect lives’ and it stands to reason they are happy, whereas others have lives where circumstances are much more difficult and of course stressful. In other words, if their circumstances were ‘better’ they would feel better/less stressed by default.

Things like money worries, really disliking your job, not having a support network etc would be things that would make things worse. If any of these things can be fixed it would instantly make some people feel better. Is it circumstantial stress or stress/anxiety that’s innate and would happen regardless of circumstances, if that makes sense.

The former being more of a ‘fixable’ solution, the latter not so I guess. I wonder if medication for ADHD would help? I know you say the waiting list is 5 years but perhaps it would be good to get the ball rolling? You never know, things might change over the next few years and waiting lists may not be so long.