Would it be easier for me to just accept that I will probably never be fully happy/content/relaxed or at ease with myself and life?

[Undermyheatedblanket]

I have struggled with poor mental health since I was a child.

Now 52 and as each year moves on I seem to move even deeper in with these poor mental health issues. I have awful anxiety, depression is getting worse each year, my life long ocd behaviour is still with me as strong as ever and even though I put a mask on to the outside world I feel constantly on edge and I am secretly down-right miserable.

I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD earlier this year and scored very high on the QBcheck. I have tried the medication prescribed (as I have with endless antidepressant prescriptions) but they exacerbate my already horrible daily IBS symptoms which I have had for 30 years. I have other various chronic physical issues too which seem to run alongside my mental ones and it's a bit of a mind-bend trying to establish if they run separately to one another, feed off each other or are fully connected. No one can give me a clear answer.

Since I was quite a young adult I have been so proactive in trying to feel better. I only drink water and eat as healthily as I can. I walk out in nature with my dog every day. I meditate, I practise yoga etc......maybe I would feel worse without these things but I often feel as though I am just wading through concrete.

I have had endless and I mean endless cbt and counselling sessions over many years (started in the 20's). I have tried the more unusal therapies too like EMDR and many alternative things like tapping. I am currently on week 2 of another set of sessions with a different counsellor. I can't afford private sessions so I go via charities. I am currently having counselling via a local college where the counsellors are still in training. I often wonder if I had the money and could pay for a well established and very experienced psychiatrist or counsellor if I would gain more from that? I will never know as I will probably never have the funds. I just wish I could have my brain 'reset' to function as a normal person, like everyone that I know.

I often ponder why did I struggle so much with such an over-active mind as a child and even more so as an adult? Could it be the adhd? I wasn't offered any counselling or much advice after the assessment and feel that I have been left in limboland with the diagnosis, I have shelved it tbh as I don't really now that to do with the diagnosis. I don't talk about it with anyone as most people I know believe adhd to be something made up or it's bad parenting if seen in children, so I keep quiet.

I really don't know how to move on from my constant feeling of high anxiety and low melancholy with a shit load of agitation and everything else in-between.

At 52 I think I need to accept that my life is and always will be a little bit shit because my brain is somehow wired differently from the average persons but that leaves me feeling quite sad as I am desperate to feel 'normal' and move through life in a 'normal' fashion but maybe acceptance is more important?

Yes, I do feel that I have some deep rooted issues which have been raised to the surface over the last few years.

My parents are still together and have been married 54 years. I love them dearly but the last few years have been very testing for our family.

My poor dear mum is now in late stages of Alzheimer's and my dad has put a lot of pressure on me over the years to help out. I feel a lot of resentment regarding this for various reasons. I had many issues as a child and I believe this was probably down to my (undiagnosed) adhd but I never received any help from my parents, especially my dad. Not necessarily their fault, it was the 70's/80's, very few people sought counselling back then certainly not for their children. However, my dad would tease me a lot regarding my worries and ocd's. Maybe he thought his own weird sense of humour would help me but it simply exacerbated my issues. Even now he does not take any of my issues seriously. I suppose, and I hate to admit this, he has quite a narcissistic personality and will always put his own thoughts and needs before others and not give them any thought. As a people pleaser I struggle with this.

I can not afford in-depth counselling or any analytical therapy for this so it just sits with me which I know is not healthy.

And, yes. I do have a very critical inner voice.

My mental health and ADHD symptoms went into overdrive as I entered menopause. You’ve probably considered this, but if not, the drop in oestrogen can make you go totally doolally. HRT and exercise really really helped me. Good luck

I had purposely chosen not to put too much in my op regarding my personal life tbh.

I do have a bit of a complex family situation going on and it does have a big impact on my issues in the here and now. My mum has been suffering from Alzheimer's the last 7 years and my dad puts a lot of pressure on my sister and I to help out as much as possible. More so for me, not sure why? Maybe it's because I am the eldest and he has always favoured my sister, i really am not sure. I have started threads in the past regarding this and have been bombarded with people telling me that I need to step back, I have enable my father etc and that has simply made me feel much worse anobt myself than before so I have been very careful not to say to much but the truth is that is my life right now and I suppose I have always had issues with my dad but as he didn't need to rely on my help all the time before the dementia diagnosis and was out having a great life and doing just what he wanted then it wasn't such an issues, I suppose.

I have tried the adhd medication when I was first diagnosed but it exacerbated my existing gut issues and I felt dreadful, I was advised to come off it. The 5 year waiting list is for an autism assessment, I was diagnosed with inattentive adhd earlier this year.

I really do hope you find a way to feel better OP. I can relate and I hope with more people being diagnosed better treatments will become available. Not necessarily medication but just a way to feel ok most days

Perimenopause is definitely making everything so much worse, it feels as though it has been petrol thrown onto an existing fire, it's now raging.

I have tried various forms of HRT but as I have endometriosis and adenomyosis it made the pain much worse. I am under a hospital menopause specialist and she has recommended that I stay off HRT until I have my hysterectomy which I am on a waiting list for.

I'm trying to but unfortunately I have mcas too so histamine is a problem and a lot of anti inflammatory foods are a no go. My body isn't happy with anything I eat.

Having said that, I do think its worth a try as food has a big effect on mood generally. Processed foods make my depression worse.

Have you tried Dare (it’s an app) or something similar? I have similar traits to you (though my ADHD is very H) and I found saying f*ck it to life in general and just recognising, accepting and moving on has helped me tremendously

You are doing lots of healthy things to manage your mental health. But you are in a difficult position with your mum's dementia and you're probably not going to feel better while that is going on.
It sounds like you are looking for answers and sometimes that helps but even if you get, for example, an autism diagnosis how will that make things different for you? You can already implement anything that is advised for people with autism without a diagnosis and there isn't really any extra support if you get one. (apart from meds which are not the cure all they are made out to be)
I think acceptable is the key, this is how you are now and it doesn't really matter why. Let go of the "should be like other people" idea and all the other "should be...."'s The gap between the ideal and reality is what makes people miserable.
Treat yourself like you are ill, take all expectations away (as far as possible), cherish yourself. You say you were happiest when you were a SAHM when your kids were young. What was it that made you happy then?
For me journalling helps me stay on top of my feelings and enables me to see patterns. Do you have anything like this that helps you to clarify what is going on in your mind?

Have you tried CBT, OP? You might find that more effective long term.

Other than that.. have you ever tried living overseas? Sometimes we just need a complete change of scenery. I find I'm a differenr person when I live abroad - not completely, but I'm far more happy and relaxed in general. I think it must be a combination of the weather being better, and just being somewhere new and different.

I see, that’s fair enough about not posting too much info. Yes actually I recall briefly reading about medication having negative impacts but it clearly didn’t stick on my brain that it was in fact the ADHD medication.

Sounds like you do have a lot on your plate righy now and are having expectations placed upon you by your dad. Then you’ve got the emotional turmoil regarding your Mum.

It sounds like you’re doing everything right, so I can understand your stance and wondering ‘Is this it’, in the sense is this how you’re always going to feel.

I wish you all the best and I hope that things change for you OP

I would also add that looking for solutions is exhausting in itself. I know it's not easy to switch that off but think of all the mental energy you'd have if you did!

I would read this book to understand and learn from your inner voice
Combating destructive thought process - Voice therapy and separation theory
It's second hand because it is very expensive to buy the book new

I haven't tried the Dare app, willing to try anything like that.

I've had years of various CBT even longer sessions etc but I've never found it if benefit.

Living overseas is not an option for me sadly. Moving to a different area of the UK isn't even an option.

Yes, you are absolutely right there. I have felt so desperate to feel better that all I do is spend hours looking for solutions, that is probably taking up way too much energy.

Thank you.

I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling OP, it sounds like life is relentlessly full-on at the moment which makes everything harder.

In terms of acceptance, I think it's worth accepting that, for you, your mental health tends to be affected significantly by circumstantial stress. For some people living in chronic stress, they tend to get gut issues. Others get constant chest infections, others get migraines, others get insomnia, some get uncontrollable urges to spend all their money, some struggle to regulate their drinking, etc. Some people have combinations of things. Chronic stress will always come out somewhere, but everyone is different so it comes out differently.

So I think, given the circumstances you're in, it's also worth accepting that your mental health is unlikely to be able to be perfect. That is likely to be just the realistic situation.

BUT that doesn't have to mean that you need to accept your mental health has to be terrible. There are definitely still things you can do to try - within the limits of your circumstances and your genetics- to give yourself as good an opportunity as possible to have a sense of capability and resilience in your mental health.

You're doing amazingly with the meditation and other strategies you are using. You can also recognise that in fact you have a strong underlying personal optimism, because you do keep trying new strategies and searching for new options. Underneath it all some part of you believes that things can be better than crappy. That's fantastic.

You might find that as all the talk therapies haven't got you very far, some somatic movement therapy techniques might be helpful. You could have a look at some somatic therapists on insta to see if any of that resonates.

And on a day to day basis, you can look up ideas for 'heavy work' that might benefit your body and brain and help you feel calmer. Doesn't have to be lifting heavy weights at the gym, can be stacking cans, digging in the garden, swimming - things that involve moving against resistance. Even better if it's rhythmic.

AND if you can limit your ultra processed food intake where possible, cut down on sugar and artificial sweeteners, get some regular sunlight, and either be in or look at some trees / nature regularly (you may be doing these already) then these can also help to give your mind and body some nurturing, and encourage them to make the best of things.

Sending hugs OP. You are doing great in a crummy situation, even if it doesn't feel like it most of the time x