Struggling with anxiety about daughter moving out

[Lokikitty]

Hi, I having posted on mumsnet for around a year. I've struggled with my mental health since my teens. My anxiety has been triggered the last few months. My 23 year old daughter is desperate to get her own place. Although I understand that this is a natural next step for her, I am struggling with my mental health. I had tension headaches all day yesterday and felt nauseous constantly. I only slept for 3 hours last night. I'm feeling fatigued and emotional today. Just wanted some advice, especially if you are or were in a similar situation. Thanks in advance x

Can you pinpoint what you are anxious about and then write it down. When you have thoughts swirling around in your mind they have full rein to use your imagination and can go anywhere. When you physically write them down – preferably with pen and paper rather than typing – you engage the conscious/rational part of your brain and can apply logic to the thoughts.

What exactly is it about your DD moving out that you are feeling anxious about? Pinpointing that will help people try and suggest things you can do to help.

It's triggering because I was very isolated growing up. I spent a lot of time alone throughout my childhood, not by choice. As a result I still struggle if I spend a full day without having someone to talk to. So living alone will be a massive adjustment for me. I have joined local groups and classes and Meet up but still have times like this week that are hard for me. I guess it's knowing how bad my mental health can get when I am isolated and when there are big changes. I am autistic, so terrible with changes in my routine.

Please don't do this. At the very least, don't let your daughter know.

I had this from my mother. She used to get panic attacks when I was going back to university.And she said she did not know how she had managed with losing me again. Yes she said it in those words.

I felt pressured to come home every weekend and look after her just because she was lonely. I didn't move out until I was a very old adult and it was purely because of her I could afford it. I neglected relationships and my own social and personal life. Because of her and her carry on.

If you want me to be really brutal, I will be - since her death, I feel a renewed sense of freedom, there is literally no one holding me back. It has been amazing. Is that the view you want your daughter to have of you.

I am sorry you are feeling so unwell, though, and I hope you are able to find the support you need.

Can you move jobs to something office-based, so you get a bit more human interaction during the day?

ILoveWhales, I am asking for support because I don't want my daughter to struggle. What do you mean by please don't do this? I am struggling because I have autism, cptsd, depression and anxiety.

It's triggering because I was very isolated growing up. I spent a lot of time alone throughout my childhood, not by choice.

But you are not a child anymore, you are an adult with all the choices and freedoms that that entails. Instead of looking backwards and assuming your life will be the same as when you didn't have a voice, look forward to this next chapter of your life. Maybe get a pet or a lodger or a part time evening job or volunteer or join a choir. There are so many options open to you if you focus.

Please don't do this to your daughter. Don't make her feel guilty.

Why is she so key to helping you manage your conditions? What is it about her that means you can't cope if she leaves.

It sounds as if she has been supporting you for quite some time. Whether you realise it or not.

BallybunionTao
I work at a special needs college. It can be isolating at times and I know that I will have to change jobs when I am ready.

See, I’m struggling with anxiety at the thought of my 23yo moving back in…

Well, it's great that you have that on your radar. It just sounds as if the right job would bring a level of human contact that would mitigate your anxiety about your daughter leaving home.

What about therapy? A good therapist will help you to experience the feelings of discomfort and anxiety and process them, and find things you can do which will help you deal with them.

ILoveWhales
My daughter and I are very open with each other. She has a very active social life. My situation is very different from your situation with your mum. I can't make my disabilities disappear. My daughter has rheumatoid and often needs support from me. She is also autistic and we support each other the best that we can.

😀

BallybunionTao
I have had 24 sessions of counselling. It's not through NHS. I had to have a 3 month break and go back to counselling at the end of this month.

Eyesopenwideawake
I have a cat and I volunteer at an allotment. I have even done life coaching through access to work. I was told that I'm doing everything that the life coach would have suggested. His only suggestion was that I should go on PIP.

I think you have to think hard about what makes someone a successful parent and try and follow that. One of my DD went to Australia and I found that very difficult. She was also the little homebody who couldn't cope with a sleepover even at 16, but left to go to uni and never looked back! However I knew deep down that her wanting to go on such a big adventure was a sign we had done a good job of raising her - that she felt brave enough to make such a big step - and I did everything I could to be positive for her although neither of us felt like that really, but we hid it from her. I had emotional manipulation from my mother in my 20's about going too far away to live and not coming home to see her often enough. She's been gone 5 years and I still feel resentment about that controlling behaviour (there was more sadly) age 60+. Try not to be that type of parent. If you let them go with your love and best wishes they will come back, if you don't, then there's the risk they'll go far far away and avoid coming home to see you. It's hard I know....

CrotchetyQuaver
I have always encouraged her to do what she wants to do. Her dad and auntie tried to persuade her to go to a local university. I was the only one that said that I wouldn't stand in the way of her happiness. This is not about whether she should move out. I think that you might have misunderstood. My daughter has said that she still wants to stay at mine a couple of nights a week at mine, when she moves out. This is coming from her and it was a lovely surprise. She isn't feeling controlled by me. In fact quite the opposite. She has told me that I give her the most freedom compared to other family members.
I have never met anyone in my situation and it is isolating not being understood. I was hoping to find people online that struggle like me.

@Lokikitty

"Although I understand that this is a natural next step for her, I am struggling with my mental health"

Struggling how, exactly? You understand this is not your daughter's problem to fix. It's your own and your husband's, if he's supportive

Do not underestimate the impact of your struggles upon your daughter.

She is desperate to move out, let her go with your blessing, she is not your carer you'll need to find alternative support.

23 us a good age to move out, I was a young teenager when I left home, probably too young really.

Please try to be excited for her and involve yourself in the move.

I can be excited for her and struggling at the same time. It's not one or the other.
I didn't explain that very well, she is desperate to move out because she has friends her age who have their own place. She feels like she has failed as she is not financially in the place to do so. She has had to focus on her health for the past 2 years. She has rheumatoid arthritis.

I mean this really gently @Lokikitty but whatever you are feeling you need to express nothing but support for her wishes. Plenty of people with RA and autism live independently and she is lucky enough to have a safe place to return to if she has problems.

I have told her that I will support her with anything I can such as learning how to budget. She isn't where she thought she would be at this age, is what I was trying to explain. Sorry if I didn't explain it well.

Take care of yourself too, it's a big change not just for her but for you. Even positive ones can take some coping with, for all of us.

Thank you. I messaged my counsellor and her text was really positive and beautiful 😊

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone that had something positive and useful to say. I got in touch with a friend and met up with her for lunch. I was nervous about asking her as I was so worried that I would be rubbish company. I didn't need to worry. She has struggled with sleep issues herself and understands how sleep deprivation affects me. I've arranged for her art to be displayed at a friend's art studio and felt good about helping her out. My counsellor and my daughter are very pleased and proud of the progress that I am making. I just need to remind myself that I am doing well.