How to get through this month and beyond…

[piscofrisco]

September is going to be a tricky month for me. My lovely Dad died 3 weeks ago and his funeral is next week. He leaves my Mum who is not herself well and lives 200 miles away. This will fall to me to sort out as my brother lives abroad and my sister is…not helpful.
DD2 is going to university in the middle of the month. I’m so proud and excited for her. But privately I’m in bits about her going. She was badly attacked aged 14 and subsequently suffered some pretty awful mental health issues. It’s taken this time to get back on track (and she has, she is flying) but I’m guilty of some (again hidden) hyper vigilance about her and I also absolutely love her to Hang out with so I’m going to miss her immensely.
We are moving house at the end of the month . To an area an hour and a bit away where I know no one at all. It’s a necessary move to be nearer my DSS’s school (we have them 50/50 but they go to school where their mum chose to move to-so we have been doing 2.5 hour long school runs for three years and due to that and other reasons it’s not sustainable). We do have to move and it will make life easier in lots of ways. But I am dreading it. I feel awful for dd2 as she won’t have anywhere she recognises as ‘home’ to come back to (she will have a room at the new house but she will never even have lived in it as she leaves before we move). Dd1 is coming with us as she doesn’t want to live with her Dad (he lives where we live now) but she also knows no one in the new area (so I also feel guilty about that). She is studying from home at the minute and looking for a part time job. I love her to death. But she has a more difficult character at times-and has been quite hard to live with for the last year or so-horrible attitude and behaviour towards us. She needs some help with her MH I think but she won’t agree and at the moment I don’t have the bandwidth to help her, which is also a source of guilt.
I’ve got so much to organise and manage-funeral, around which there is family in fighting, DD’s uni stuff, packing up our house and moving and everything around that and DD1 and her feelings about it all.
I will also need to find a new job but I’m going to commute to my current job (which I absolutely love and will miss when I leave) for now,as job hunting on top is too much.

I just want to get in bed and hide at the minute. I don’t know how to manage all this. Would counselling help? Medication? Feel panicky and heavy and rubbish and for the first time in my life I’ve got no energy to cope with any of this at all.any advice gratefully received

Don’t move for your DSS just for starters op

Op why are you prioritising your dss over your own children? Are you re-married? Can the contact arrangements not be altered to accommodate the distance? Weekend and holiday contact seems to make more sense here at this stage

Not a CHANCE I’d be moving for a step child when MY children don’t want to.

And these are the step kids that ruined the huge family holiday you’d been saving up for for 3 years?!

No wonder your mental health is in the doldrums. Prioritising a step child and making a massive move for them

Given that the OP is moving at the end of the month and it will make life easier in lots of ways telling her not to move isn't really helpful.

@piscofrisco You have got a massive amount on your plate so it's no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. The big three – your father's funeral, your daughter leaving for Uni and the house move are all short term stressors (at least in terms of planning and logistics) so my advice would be to try and concentrate on getting to the end of September by roping in as much help as you can – where's your DH in all this? – and refusing to think about the stuff you have no control over because, as you say, you don't have the bandwidth.

Make sure you are eating and sleeping well, you simply can not afford to neglect yourself now. Once those three events are behind you then you can put the other priorities in order.

Make life easier in terms of logistics with her DSS

NOT for HER children by the sounds of it

one of my children is going to uni 3 hours away. The other is 20. She doesn’t work and lives for free at home with us As I said, my step children are school age and live with us half the time and we currently have a 2.5 hour school run on our days with them.
the contact can’t be altered. And the only thing g that’s harder for my adult children is that one won’t be as near her friends. (She could be, but she is choosing not to move in with her dad).
we are a family. And as such all kids get consideration. We have travelled for the 3 years so that my DD’s could finish school where they grew up. Not sure how long I should stay in that area (which we cannot really afford and which logistically hard for us) to appease ones social life and the other who will be home with us at best for 3 months of the year.
thanks to the more sympathetic posters. Im
obvs struggling this morning so they were appreciated

And no @itchyoureyethat was my dd1

No it wasn’t

Step children's constant moaning just ruined a long saved for dream trip

Read the rest of my posts. Go back through the 20 years I’ve been on here. Then go and get yourself some actual help because you seem to be quite needlessly unpleasant.

Weird

it was a few months ago

trip of a lifetime
ruined by step children’s moaning
and it slipped your mind

ok

OP I am so sorry for your loss and that this has all come at once. Is there someone else that can organise your father’s funeral? So that all you and yours need to do is turn up for it? That would be a massive load off your shoulders.

I have twins just off to separate unis if I can help in any way? I could probably get hold of a packing list for you if you like? A minimalist's one perhaps? Maybe chat to your daughter about her doing as much of the organisation as she possibly can. It’s good practice for her becoming more independent too.

Then that frees you up to pack up your house. First things first, bag up anything that is not useful or they you live and take it to the charity shop.

Do you use AI at all? It’s brilliant for step by step guides to all sorts of things. I use ChatGPT myself xx

But why is it relevant to this situation? And why are you so obsessed with it? The two things aren’t mutually exclusive. What’s the matter with you?

I’m not obsessed

I am saying that it is perfectly understandable to be highly stressed when you were uprooting your life and your daughters’ lives and moving an hour - for a child that isn’t yours 🤷‍♀️

It would stress the hell out of me so you have my sympathy

Our spring Holiday was ruined by the dss’s. Our recent holidays was ruined by dd1. did you read my post? Weirdly I’m fucking distressed at the minute and didn’t immediately know which of my holidays you are for some reason intent on baiting me about.

I think you’re so stressed op because you know that deep down, giving up a job you love; moving to an area that you know no one in; that your DDs know no one in; that your DDs don’t want to move to…. All for one child who has two parents, neither of which are you - is not in your best interests and not in the best interests of your daughters.

Also…if you dont find another job you love as the one you’re having to give up…. Won’t you feel a bit resentful?

Two school aged children. Who are my family. As opposed to living somewhere solely so my adult dd can see her friends easily. Which she Dan still do. We are moving an hour away. Not to the Himalayas. or does everyone now just live in the same place for their entire life regardless of whether it’s practical or not?

Ok but you said that giving up a job you love and moving to an area water you know “no one”

you said this 🤷‍♀️

You are “dreading” the move

can you really not see that that isn’t healthy. No wonder everything seems overwhelming. You don’t have any positive motivation about the move beyond it logistically
working better for your partner and DSS

Yes. I am doing those things. Because as I also said, we have two school aged children who live with us for half their lives and we currently have a 2.5 hour round trip school run to do. Before we start work. So whilst I love my job and am going to keep it for now and do the travel (1 hour each way as opposed the 5 hours daily in the car on school days currently), it’s still not worth us Al staying where we are to do it

Ok op
all the best

And yes, I do know no one. Which is why it’s shit. But it’s still not as shit as the situation we currently have which involves lengthy and costly travel and which sooner or later the dss’s are not going to want to do as they will want to see their school pals at weekends etc.
dd2 will not be at home. So the only time it affects her is holidays (which as I said I feel bad about but which it wouldn’t be reasonable to maintain our current situation for). Dd1 could easily move in with the dd’s dad if she wants to be near her friends (and indeed can and probably will come back at weekends to see them) if she chose to. She is not choosing to.
It’s clearly not ideal but neither is staying put.

it works better my husband and also for me as his wife and the boys step mum. We are a family like any other family. We don’t see each others children as not our responsibility because they aren’t our birth children. We take decisions based on what’s best for the greatest number. They aren’t decisions that are without down sides that I also might feel shit and panicky about with the added circumstance that my dad is recently dead and my dd is leaving home (for a good reason but like lots of mums Im finding it hard). We are essentially as a family between a rock and a hard place in terms of the move.

thanks to the two people that managed to compute the above and be kind.

Well everything is running against you at the moment
this is just a time for head down and keep going

you should talk to the various children - do they understand the compromises , that you are worried for them, that you love them and that you are feeling low at the moment and it’s not their fault - just so they are clear

and hide in bed whenever you can is actually a reasonable thing to do - although make sure you go outside at least once every day for a short walk

sometimes life is shit and it will take a while to get through all this stuff

in a few months time come back to the bigger questions of how to move onto the next stage of your life but at the moment grief is healthy

Get off her back FFS.