I feel like I'm drowning.

[PlutoOnEarth]

Hi, I’m hoping someone can offer advice or even just a listening ear. I’m a single mum with no support network and I’m at breaking point.

In February this year my daughter suddenly changed. She made outrageous accusations at school which led to social services getting involved. I wasn’t allowed into work for two weeks. The headteacher seemed to side with her, and this all started because I took away her devices — she’d been on them all hours.

Then in March, it happened again. She went to school saying the same things after I found a phone she shouldn’t have had (I still don’t know where it came from). Again, the school believed her version of events and I was made to feel like a bad parent.

Since then it’s been ongoing:

When I pick her up from school she’s in a foul mood, sometimes hits her little brother.

When I drop her off she acts withdrawn and teary, which gets her attention from teachers.

She tells me it’s “kids at school” causing problems, but tells the school I’m abusive.

I have never been abusive to her. She’s my only daughter and I’ve always spoiled her.

She’s starting high school soon, and her brother is anxious about what she might do, as he’s well-liked by staff and has never been in trouble.

The behaviour at home is so difficult:

She’s told the doctor she wants to kill herself, no one cares, and she self-harms.

I found pages of notes with my name, DOB, calling me names, and even drawings of her hurting me.

She refuses to do basic things like brush her hair or get dressed without making a scene, sulking, or shutting down completely in public.

She shouts, lashes out at her brother, and turns nice moments into stressful ones.

Yet, when she stays with my sister, she’s happy, bubbly, and caring. She’s become obsessed with the idea that she’s adopted.

On top of this, my own life has fallen apart:

I lost my job because of the situation with her.

My oldest has gotten into serious trouble.

My second eldest is autistic and I’m still fighting for a diagnosis because he struggles so much.

I have no income, bills piling up, and school starting soon.

My own health is suffering, high blood pressure, diabetes and serious migraine due to stress.

I feel like I’m failing all of them. I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, and I don’t know what to do next.

If anyone has been through similar or has any advice, please help.

You say your second is autistic then you need to consider she is too.

It's classic for it to show in teen girls.

She can't mask anymore hense behaviour and obsessive thoughts a classic sign.

That would
Be my first consideration

Why did you lose your job because of the situation? What kind of workplace would sack you for not being able to go in for two weeks? That seems wrong oof your employer to me.

I would probably ask your sister if she can stay with her for a term? And that you'd have her once a fortnight for the weekend. It seems a bit extreme but it sounds like the space for her to develop her independence would be good. Playing devil's advocate, it may be quite hard on her having a sibling with ASD. She may also be high masking high functioning ASD and its not been picked up, but now teenage hormones have kicked in she is acting like the devil reincarnated. Getting her away might help her with self regulation. And would give you space to get a job again. Good luck.

Also struggling with basic care

Masking with sister

All signs

What kind of outrageous accusations did she make at school?

Exactly my thoughts.

Also consider ND-ness for yourself

You tell us SS are involved

but don’t give any kind of outcome

There will be SO much more to this
That we shall never know

He's high functioning. He's actually amazing and intelligent. He dosnt like crowds or noise so keeps out the way and dose his own thing.

I have thought this myself about her and I had taken her to the GP and they said its just hormones. I don't belive this for one second. Because she started her period when she was 10 they said its because she's low on iron therefore behaving this way, gave me iron tablets for her and sent us on our way. Took her again and they said her hormones are up and all over the place as she's 11 and would I consider putting her on the pill to regulate her hormones to which I said no as I feel she to young for that.

The ones where she had to go and stay with family over several days and ss were involved. But SS said she's obviously dealing with stuff but they have no concerns about home and she was allowed to return. But the head teacher tried her hardest to keep this going as she didn't won't her to return to me. The head at this school is new and hasn't been there for more then 3mths so I just assumed she was trying to make an impression. Her class teacher was so supportive and helped me keep a record of her moods and reporting to me things like her acting strange around her bag. So when she came home and was watching tv I checked her bag and she somehow got another phone.

Sorry I don't know what that is.

They closed the file. And said I she's obviously dealing with stuff and was allowed to come home. This was back in February.

How has she been over the holidays? I’m guessing as you’re posting now not great.

You mentioned the original trigger was removing her devices and it does sound like she was overdosing to start with but there have been many threads on here that cold turkey from devices with non nt teens is not a good plan. Have you come up with a solution going forward to control screen time?

If you want me to I can tell you. You just need to ask. I'm a mother who's just reaching out for help from other parents as I'm doing the best I know and hoping someone who's been in a similar situation can share some light.

Is there any possibility she's been SA? Sudden changes in behaviour can indicate this.
I'm sorry to mention it, but it's worth considering.

Hi, yes she was doing "all nighters " as they call it with another child from her old school. This other child has a sad home life and is pretty damaged at this age. It brakes my heart to think of this child and her life.

My daughter would stay up all night incase she did something to herself and would worry about her throughout the school day.

One morning around 3.30am I woke up and heard her chatting without speaking to her as it was early morning and her younger brother would wake up I removed them.

When I did speak to her in the morning as I was brushing her hair that's when she told me the above. At 2pl school called and that's how it started. She's been so awful all holiday. I've had to go to my bedroom and just sob. She's brushed her little brother thigh and arm.

Thank you for your question, but no. I do not let her go off the street when she plays out, not very often and plays with a girl. Also she doesn't sleep out unless it's her aunties house. I have a fear of things like that so I'm very careful also with it just being me I need to be extra some might say that's to much but we hear so many stories can't be to careful.

Hi, I work with vulnerable people. I didn't lose it because of the two weeks I wasn't allowed to work because of LADO needing to do what they had to. But then on my return there was a lot of tension and eyes on me and just nitpicking on things you've been praise on before but now suddenly it's wrong.

This is her home and we are her family. I don't want her to think she can just runaway from things. I want to help her.

She has had two weekends with her antie. But can't for the rest of summer as her antie has had a major operation and will be recovering for 8 weeks and on top of the she has a special needs child.

I’d start with looking after yourself. Start and end the day with a shower. Put some clean clothes on.
I’d make a GP appointment and ask them to throw any help they have at you.
Then I’d go to citizens advice bureau and check you are in receipt of all the help you can get.
I’d get a cleaning job, they’re fairly well paid and offer flexibility. I find cleaning quite therapeutic, I would genuinely do cleaning for a job, not because it’s easy, but you don’t have to talk to people 😂 and you can set your own hours. And you can see the results.

I’d also write a list with all my worries. Just write everything down, from: we’re running out of toilet paper to your DD’s problems. And every day have a look at it and pick one thing you could actually tackle.

You know, like eating an elephant.

Why did you take her devices away without consultation? Why didn’t you talk to her about how it’s not great for her or anyone else to be up until 3am chatting.

She’s 11 nearly 12 if she’s starting secondary. She wants some independence and illusion of control. So you talk to her and ask her what you can do together to make it better? You can’t just keeping telling and dictating that’s how you push them away.

Ideally you should have set boundaries when she first got the phone. Mine are not allowed them in their rooms at night. They turn off at 8pm and don’t come back on until 7am. This is harder to do after once they’ve been allowed free rein but not impossible.

@PlutoOnEarth Please try the pill, it's a medication and can help with molds massively and hormonal regulation (she's not too young at all) and for many it's life changing - you mat need to try a few but ask the GP and they'll have knowledge of how the meds work. On her maybe try some therapy - DBT could be useful for regulating emotions.

Even though the head teachers and her teachers supported her?

Why do you have no income? Are you not claiming all the benefits you are entitled to ? Any financial support from the father?

And you’d have been on full pay

if you want help, stop being so sketchy with the truth

Thank you for your response.

Firstly when I said her devices there not actually hers but mine. She started of by sneeking My laptop/phone and pad. We had that conversation about asking and appropriate time of using them.

As this kept going on and it was having a negative effect on Scholes I'm sure you can understand why I had to remove them. I'm all for children and finding there independence but when they have a negative effect and impression on a young person, would you still allow it to continue? I know kids brake rules we to as children did I'm not perfect but I do want to protect her from all the peer pressure from the chats that take place in w/a year groups and belive me there not healthy. I don't want to be that parent who has allowed there child to have this ticking timbom and then it all gets to mush and takes their own life. That would kill me know I could have stopped it. So I'm not sorry she's not allowed any devices. She's not completely cut off as she has tv has supervision when she is talking to a friend on my phone. We all parent different.

I'm not sure why so much concerne that I had taken the devices? I know from first hand how phones/ devices can ruin a child's life, not only the child but entire family.

This can often happen, often schools want SS to do more and they disagree, yes they work together but it doesn't mean they will always agree. Often times SS shove cases back onto school safeguarding and pastoral which should really also have SS intervention alongside.