Burnout/exhaustion from 21st century life

[BurnoutMode]

Hi! First post ever on mumsnet. Just after a bit of advice and perhaps a soundboard.

It would seem to me that everybody around me is exhausted from the demands of modern day working life/parenting/everything in between. Whilst I won’t go into that further, I am noting how aware I am that I’m not alone in this situation.

Bit of background information. Single parent. Three small lovely children who are my world. I have worked ridiculously hard for the last 18 months to allow me to purchase a house for me and my children. It was worth every bit of sheer exhaustion that went into it as we now have a secure home.

My issue - I am in complete and utter burnout. I have dropped my hours to part time (3 days) and I am still no better off. The days I’m off work are spent catching up with admin / making important telephone calls that I couldn’t on a working day / attending appointments. My children are in wrap around care and school/nursery except my days off. I’m up at 5:30 each morning as in work for 8 and it’s a long commute and school/nursery drop offs along the way and not home with the children until 6:30 - 7.

I took a week off work the beginning of last month and I cannot tell you how different life was. The children had freshly cooked dinners every evening instead of quick slap dash ‘meals’. I had so much quality time with them. I was less aggy. The house was spotless. Etc

I am in two minds about what to do!

I am so very, very tempted to give up work temporarily for a multitude of reasons but the main one to be a more present mother. My youngest is 2 years old and I know I won’t get this time back. In terms of me affording it, I can do so, will just have to cut back but I have a good eBay business and my ex pays a good portion of child maintenance (he isn’t in the picture to help me with the children but he does contribute financially - another story)

I’m just torn as I LOVE working. I’ve always worked my whole adult life. I am worried I will lose my sanity but at the same time I can’t carry on like this and I can’t cut my hours any shorter.

The children only have me and they need mummy to be healthy and ok. But there is a huge niggle in the back of my head telling me to just get on with it, that this is normal (which I’m aware these days it is)

What would you do? Please no hate. I think being a single mother is another reason as I have worked so hard to show my children that if you want nice things in life that you should work for them. At this stage though, all they are seeing is an unwell mother that is exhausted.

Thanks in advance!

I 100% think you should do it , if you’re in a position to do so!
Like you said, you won’t get this time back.
Im a SAHM , and although this is also very, very tiring, i love being with them, and wouldn’t want it any other way.
Very intrigued as to why your partner doesn’t actually see the kids!
This must make it really exhausting. Hopefully you have help from others.
I think you should definitely do it.

Regarding my ex, he doesn’t see the children due to a court order which again is another long story.

In theory I should be able too. I feel like I’ll be judged so harshly if I make that decision and I hate that I’m made to feel that way! None of my family or friends are in my situation and it’s hard to explain the title of lone parent when they aren’t. Every single bit of stress, financial worries, emotional worries, etc cannot be shared … and all lies on me. I’m just constantly rushing and run ragged and with me cutting my hours I’m not working of an evening as my wonderful boss has not reduced my workload so I’m expected to do what I was doing in 5 days - in 3! X

Now* working of an evening

Could you pay someone to do the drop offs? Or maybe have an au pair for a while to see if it helps? Or swap drop offs/ pick ups for someone who works on your days off?

Seems a shame to give up a job you love!

You shouldn’t need to give up work to be able to live life, raise a family. Slap dash meals can be fullly cheap and healthy - so that suggests you have standards that are not warranted

working to pay your own way is a great thing and something you should be proud t demonstrate to your children

itbsound like you want more time to do stuff that to u feel is more family oriented- but I’m not convinced that you are not falling for sone nonessential mirage

The children get dropped off so early, I’m pretty sure all of the childminders around my area start a lot later. I don’t think it would change much.

I don’t have enough time. That’s what it boils down too. I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel and I never get off. There’s a lot going on in the background too which isn’t helping but me running around chaotic most of the week, working on my laptop of an evening and barely sleeping as I’m so stressed about it all is what needs to change.

I feel like I’ve sucked it up and got on with feeling this way for nearly 2 years but I genuinely think I will end up in an early grave if I carry on. I’ve started to become really anxious which I’ve never been before. Just a lot of physical things that are presenting that I never had previously. Can’t be a coincidence. I appreciate the replies x

The thing is … I feel we have all been sold this line of how working hard is the right thing to do to show our kids the correct way … but actually at what cost? My two older children have repeatedly told me that they hate me working so much and how many school things I miss (my boss isn’t flexible) and how the other mummies at the school are always around.

So if you were to ask my children if they agreed with that statement, they would wholeheartedly disagree.

When it comes to meals, I mean I don’t have time/energy to cook when I’m working as we get home so late and the children go to bed an hour later. I can’t push their bed time back any further as they are all up so early as it is …

Has anybody else done this and not regretted it? x

as pp said, get an aupair for three months and see if this makes a difference and you can have the best of both worlds

As someone with ME (aka Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), I'd say to anyone to take burnout seriously. I now can't work due to my ME, which was triggered by a combination of too much stress and a vital infection.

As a domestic abuse victim, I'd also advise any woman to keep their career alive.

So things to consider are dropping your work hours further, or if you do decide to stop work altogether, consider your plan for getting back to work in the future.

But most importantly, look after your health. Without that, you can't do anything.

Have you thought about changing jobs rather than leaving altogether? Or at least having a frank conversation with your boss (what’re they gonna do? Fire you?) Things that stand out to me: You have a long commute, your boss isn’t flexible & he/she is expecting you to do 5 days work in 3. I feel similarly to you at times & I definitely struggle with some of the same issues but my boss is very flexible & that makes it all possible. Maybe talk to your existing boss first & if they aren’t willing to lighten your workload or be more flexible, you may want to stop working for a while to give you time to job hunt?

You need a genuine part time role not give up all together

or you need to learn to say no much more assertively - but some work environments are just mad with toxic pressure and then getting a new job is the only option

You're a lone parent of three children - of course you are burnt out. I've been there and it's exhausting. Running a home, all the bills and admin, trying to have quality time with each child, trying to cook healthy meals, supervise homework, facilitate clubs and activities. It's so hard juggling it all whilst working on top, with no weekends off like most single parents get to recharge. However, mine are all teens now and I am SO glad I didn't give up work a few years ago when I was burnt out. I changed my work to make things easier and I got extra help at home to buy myself a bit more time during the week. A cleaner, a meal delivery service, supermarket deliveries and a great babysitter alongside part time work kept me sane. I still work part time (three days) and I use one day off to catch up with the house and admin, and the other day to do something nice for me. The weekends are still spent mainly with the kids, but it's so much easier and more relaxing than it was. They will be grown up soon and I'm so glad I still have a fulfilling job. Plus teens are expensive and your ex may stop his contributions once your DC are 18, but they will still need financial support. And you need to think about the long term for yourself.

The problem is your job, you are doing 5 days work in 3 and only being paid for 3.

increase to 4 days pay over 5 until you find a different job.

Taking time out of work is a valid choice but how confident are you to find another job, would it damage your career?

I’d do it in your shoes. You only live once. Even if you only take 6 months off. Your children need you and that’s a very good reason to not run yourself into the ground.
I left my job after baby to spend more time with them and focus on other things.

You’ll get a lot of social pressure from other women who work but the truth is it’s your life and if you can afford to take the time to be more present with your children when they are young it’s beneficial for them and in your case, you aswell. Make sure you have a solid financial plan and pension contributions organised etc. Lots of luck x

Thanks so much for all of your comments. Regarding pension contributions, I work in a similar environment so I’m quite savvy in knowing what I can do (ie temporarily pay voluntary NI contributions)

Regarding a poster advising to pick up 4 days. I’m burnt out doing 3, there’s no way I can stretch myself further. I feel like it’s genuinely making me ill and I’ve always been somebody tho just gets on with it so for me to say that, I truly mean it.

If I’m honest with myself, I do think it is a societal pressure above all.

I love my job but my boss has no time to consider adjustments to make the work life balance easier for myself. We have had the talk. It was met with a snort.

Every single instinct of my body is screaming for me to want to spend more time with my babies but I feel like the general consensus on here and in life is ‘well that’s not how it works - get on with it’

Is it so wrong for taking time off work to be with my children rather than go work to pay somebody else to look after them and my health deteriorate simultaneously?

I guess I was looking for posters that had done it and not regretted it. X

Thanks for your reply. I’m sorry that you suffer with ME. There has been many days over the last few months that I have thought about ME sufferers when I’ve had horrendous days crippled with fatigue and I’ve felt very sorry for the people who experience it. I hope you are well. I also didn’t realise that stress/burnout could contribute to it.x

If your manager expect you to deal with a 5 day workload over 3 days and for a 3 day pay then the job is the issue.

I would resign and take some time off to deal with your burnout while looking for a real part-time job that does not leave you so exhausted.

It is your life and you have to do what is best for you and your family, not worry about what society 'expects' mothers to do.

I am off sick due to burnout at the moment, just had to fight shingles because my immune system is so run down and I am constantly struggling with exhaustion and anxiety. Had similar two years ago and I realise now I went back to work too quickly then.

I am also in a job where I am expected to do the work of a team by myself and a full time job over 3 days a week. Horrible colleagues and toxic environment so I have to accept the job is badly affecting my physical and mental health and I need to find something else.

Don't let it get to the point where you have a complete breakdown and put yourself first.

I was signed off sick for a few months with stress, eventually quitting, being in a very very similar position to you at the time. I completely changed my life once I’d got my head above water, and now work very flexible hours consulting in the same field. I couldn’t care less what anyone other than my children think of me. I’m a lone parent, judgement about what I’m contributing to society or not is just not my priority. Abusive EXH just lives his life after leaving me in the shit with multiple young children, I can’t worry about what people think of my choices in relation to working myself to death or not. By the time I went off sick I was losing my mind.

So, if you feel your work is making you ill (making you compress 5 into 3 days and not paying for it is cunty) then go to your GP and ask to be signed off. Give it a few months of being able to breathe again, and then consider your options. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot with your ex and I certainly don’t judge you for struggling to balance being all things to all people. Give yourself your sanity back.

Thank you. Needed to read something like this x

Same as above. Needed to read something like this. It’s very, very true. I’ve been through a hell of a lot over the last few years and I know that most in my position would not have been able to keep their head above water so I’m very proud that I’ve been able to apply myself so hard and secure a home for me and my children. I do feel like now is the time to take my foot off the gas.

It is awful that we are to feel judged by other mothers and society would happily see us on the verge of a breakdown in order to justify ‘not working’

I do feel like this new normal is actually not normal and how can humans expect to do so many things all at once and still be able to give their children the best version of themselves.

Thanks for your reply. X

Sorry, meant to say also I hope that you’re recovering well and being kind to yourself. X

I assumed if you worked more days you would get your work done in work time so no more working late nights etc.

It sounds like you should quit, explore other options either consulting or something else self employed although you say you already have an eBay side hustle.

Working the hours required to be eligible for tax credits in a local low stress may also be a consideration to afford you to take longer off without the same financial concerns.

I think you have done exceptionally brilliantly. I don't know how you have done it. I found it hard enough with one child. I bought my own place too.
That and working is enough to finish you off. It won't be like this forever. I'm the other end of the scale near retirement. I've slowed right down and can't even think about how to manage the next 4 years in the job I do. It's completely exhausting. I feel for you I really do.