Burnout/exhaustion from 21st century life

[BurnoutMode]

Hi! First post ever on mumsnet. Just after a bit of advice and perhaps a soundboard.

It would seem to me that everybody around me is exhausted from the demands of modern day working life/parenting/everything in between. Whilst I won’t go into that further, I am noting how aware I am that I’m not alone in this situation.

Bit of background information. Single parent. Three small lovely children who are my world. I have worked ridiculously hard for the last 18 months to allow me to purchase a house for me and my children. It was worth every bit of sheer exhaustion that went into it as we now have a secure home.

My issue - I am in complete and utter burnout. I have dropped my hours to part time (3 days) and I am still no better off. The days I’m off work are spent catching up with admin / making important telephone calls that I couldn’t on a working day / attending appointments. My children are in wrap around care and school/nursery except my days off. I’m up at 5:30 each morning as in work for 8 and it’s a long commute and school/nursery drop offs along the way and not home with the children until 6:30 - 7.

I took a week off work the beginning of last month and I cannot tell you how different life was. The children had freshly cooked dinners every evening instead of quick slap dash ‘meals’. I had so much quality time with them. I was less aggy. The house was spotless. Etc

I am in two minds about what to do!

I am so very, very tempted to give up work temporarily for a multitude of reasons but the main one to be a more present mother. My youngest is 2 years old and I know I won’t get this time back. In terms of me affording it, I can do so, will just have to cut back but I have a good eBay business and my ex pays a good portion of child maintenance (he isn’t in the picture to help me with the children but he does contribute financially - another story)

I’m just torn as I LOVE working. I’ve always worked my whole adult life. I am worried I will lose my sanity but at the same time I can’t carry on like this and I can’t cut my hours any shorter.

The children only have me and they need mummy to be healthy and ok. But there is a huge niggle in the back of my head telling me to just get on with it, that this is normal (which I’m aware these days it is)

What would you do? Please no hate. I think being a single mother is another reason as I have worked so hard to show my children that if you want nice things in life that you should work for them. At this stage though, all they are seeing is an unwell mother that is exhausted.

Thanks in advance!

Thank you lovely. Sheer determination as I knew me purchasing the house would change our lives. My body was in exhaustion then but because I was so focused on buying a house, I had to put it to one side. I think now I’m more aware and all of the neglect from my side then (as in self neglect for my own health and wellbeing) is now come into play x10.

Thanks for your kind words and just think, 4 more years to go. Probably sounds a lot right now but in the grand scheme of things… it will go fast! :) x

I'd get signed off sick with stress and exhaustion for starters.

A couple of months should make your boss look at your current work conditions.

Do you have to go to the office all the time...would working from home help?

My boss has already said that if I go off sick she will fire me. I work so hard and carry the majority of the weight of the workload but it is a corrupt company with morals that do not align with my own. So I truly believe her when she has said those words. I also don’t have it in me right now to fight via a tribunal etc

I could very easily do my work from home. Very very easily. But again, my boss won’t allow any of her employees to do so due to lack of control I can only guess. I have posed the question to her as life would be a lot more manageable. London based so commute is horrendous but nope, boss isn’t for it.
x

If your boss has threatened you with sacking if you go off sick, keep a record. Also, they won’t want to do that straight away as recruitment and training is expensive. Go off as long as they’ll tolerate while you get yourself together, they won’t know that you don’t want to take it to a tribunal so will avoid sacking you in the early stages. Either way, you can’t go mad with stress, your children need you. If you can be signed off sick, and/or claim UC then I say do it and formulate a plan once you feel more yourself. That’s what I did, and I feel like I’d never have got into the good place I’m in now without that break. They were working me to death, treating me like crap and I had no time for my children. Being lone parents, we don’t have that luxury.

Meal wise , batch cook at weekends
slow cookers are ace - I chuck in tomatoes , tinned pulses (I’m veggie ) and seasoning .
This can be served with brown rice (pouches in microwave ) done

Aupair is a good shout - would make the kids’ day a bit shorter I guess .

That said , you know your kids best .
PS - not all the other mummies will be at school events !

One thing to think about is your mortgage term - when you next remortgage, you'll need to pass the affordability checks applicable to the size of your loan.

Aside from that, it does sound to me like it's this job that's the issue, rather than working in general. So one way or another let this job go, and then you sound like the kind of resourceful person who will make a success of whatever you choose to do next - whether that's another job, expanding your online business, or taking a break for a period of time.

Thank you. I have tried the meal prep but my weekends are so full on, it slowly fizzled out!

Well, we live in quite an affluent area and I genuinely believe that most of the other school mums are ‘kept’ women so to speak as I’ve not met one that works. So when it comes to me missing out on school events, it does stand out to my kids. I do attend the main ones but I guess to children that they’re all important. X

Thank you for your kind words. I’m a while off remortgaging and do believe at that point that I will have something else sorted.

I think I’ve felt so undervalued at work aswell for a long time. I know I do a good job and that my boss would struggle without me but would she ever let that be known, never! I know we are all different but I truly believe that working for a company that applaud you when you’re doing well is such a positive thing! I work my backside off and get nothing back.

I did actually have a very emotional moment in work a few months back and was discussing openly in the office that I was so run down/stressed with the demands of life/parenting/all in between and my boss actually dismissed everything I said and told me that ‘I didn’t know I was born’. Basically saying what did I have to be stressed about. That is an example of what type of woman she is.

I’m in tomorrow first thing and just dreading it. X

Just to add that if you remortgage with the same lender then you don't need to provide them with things like payslips again. You can easily do it online as well.

Our life got a lot easier when we employed a nanny to sort the school run. Thank fully the kids are no longer primary school age so we don't need that anymore. We also employ a cleaner 4 hrs a week, a gardener 2 hrs a week and I have a concierge that sorts out thing like dentist appointments, booking holidays etc. Accountant obviously sorts the financials.

You just need to be smart with your time and prioritise then outsource the mundane stuff.

You can't do this on part time wages though.

No it is not wrong for you to want to do that and if you can make it work in the short term then go for it. I know what you mean about societal pressures but I do what is right for myself and my family and I don't care what anyone else thinks.
I work very part time at my child's school aswell as volunteering and am around to do school runs, attend school stuff etc. I do sometimes get bored of all the domesticity but overall I feel very lucky.

Don't agree with giving up work. It gives you purpose outside the home.

Get help instead. I have a cleaner. If I could do have a chef too. Outsource whatever you can! But continue working!

I haven't done this, but I very nearly did (although not a single parent, so not the same). And when I was considering it, I talked to a colleague who'd just come back into the workforce after 3 years at home with with her child. She was also a single mother and she was strongly recommending it. She said it has been brilliant to just focus on her child while they were young, and she knew when they got older that she was ready to come back to work (part time).

You only get one life, most of the "shoulds" are made up, and yours and your kids' happiness is all the matters. If people say things or think things about you, who gives a shit.

As long as you are sensible about the financial side of it all, long term as well as immediately, then I would definitely be considering it. You sound like you're not afraid of hard work and doing what's needed when it's needed, so hopefully you'd be able to get yourself back into work as needed. You also sound absolutely knackered!

Thank you. I love this post. I was actually dreading reading the part when you said that your colleague had came back to work as I thought you were going to say the complete opposite! So very relieved to hear not.

I will never shy away from hard work but right now I feel that I need to listen to my body & it’s screaming for me to slow down.

For me it would just be a case of creating structure to my days too as I will absolutely fall apart without that.

It’s so interesting to hear different people’s perspectives x

I couldn’t afford anything like that at the moment. 85% of my wages goes on childcare and my mortgage. If not more. If I was to go full time again I would be even more burnt out and that extra money would just go to childcare too! Vicious circle really.

A chef sounds lovely!

Fellow SAHM here: I agree!

I did it and don’t regret it . It defo has had an impact on on my career and I’m broke . But I don’t regret it . My kids are now teens and I work more but having that time with them and looking after yourself is important. If you can afford it do it xx

This made me so sad for you! Honestly, life is too short to be spending all of your energy on someone who seems to enjoy making you miserable.