How to change how I feel

[WindySkiesAtNight]

I just don't think I can bear how I feel anymore.

I've tried everything. I don't even know where to start but need to try and write this down.

I'm not feeling very good at how I'm doing externally in life. I'm mid 40s, single, no children, slightly above average salary, a bit more debt than I would like, a bit less pension than I would like, a couple of stone overweight, a serious health issue that is fine but requires management.

So nothing is terrible, but it could be better, but I can't think what would really motivate me to do anything about improving it. But I know I would feel better if I made a plan, lost some weight etc.

I also just can't visualise or grasp what I actually want for the future. I've done lots - living in different places, jobs, travel - and everything feels a bit boring, I don't feel excited about anything.

This state actually feels worse than stress or depression (I've had both). I'm just largely indifferent and slightly irritated by the thought of doing things.

I feel like a teenager again but with a crippling self awareness that only I can do something.

The only thing I can think of doing is ditching spending time on social media, then gradually start rebuilding life how I want.

What kind of job do you do?
Is it fulfilling ?

It sounds like you might be depressed to me. It can present the way you describe.

Fundamentally, I think the only way to change your feelings is to change your thoughts. Lots of strategies can work. But that isn’t always possible in circumstances like depression, which is where medication comes in.

If you feel able to, I would reach out to your GP.

There is always psychoanalysis….

Some form of exercise? You could think outside of the box maybe, like climbing or outdoor swimming. Maybe also something creative, do you like writing, drawing or painting?

Don’t think too big! Honestly I had a crisis just before I turned 40 and felt like I was living my life like going through a list but not really feeling anything with purpose or joy.

I ended up at the doctors and he asked me what I did for me - and I said nothing! And that was the game changer - I started small and this small things built up to create honestly a life I love and want.

I had to do a LOT of work but I started small with daily meditations and I honestly think meditation changed my life. I hope this doesn’t sound smug at all but your post really resonated as when somebody said what do you want I said I don’t know! Nearly 10 years on I really do. Start very small with one thing and be consistent and see where that leads you to.

I really love my job - it's meaningful, I enjoy it, people are great. I was a workaholic for most of my 30s but this job is more balanced. There's a disconnect with now my personal life is though. Although I guess when I look at it like that it's probably not surprising how I got here as I put too much into work in my 30s. No need to change my job though for a while!

That may be right about depression. I just don't know if I am depressed enough though - it's mainly the weekends I find hardest. Just utterly boring. I'm also reticent to take antidepressants as I know exercise is the best natural cure and if I did that consistently for 3 weeks I would feel a different person. That 3 weeks feels impossible though.

I actually went outdoor swimming at the weekend. Then on the second day got overwhelmed with all the chores I need to do and stayed at home alone doing them.

I do think it's about starting small. I actually did try that and got quite far with it, but I had a horrible toxic work situation that crushed the soul out of me. I'd forgotten about the impact of all that actually. Whereas now I'm not in that situation anymore- I can start over and not have the joy crushed out me!

Thank you for these kind words, that was just what I needed to hear.

I think the way to answer the question are you depressed enough is can you do what you know you need and want to do - for example, exercise. If you can find a way, ( Isoisobaby20’s approach sounds fab) then great. If you can’t then medication can help reset you to a point that you can then do it. if you think about more physical conditions like high cholesterol and type 2 diabetes some people can make changes to lifestyle and diet, some people have genetic reasons or other reasons why that approach is never going to be enough and need medication.

Everyone’s experience is different and there is no blood test that can imperially (not sure that’s spelt right) define how significant someone’s mental health struggle is. Which makes it hard for health professionals to help as they’ve got 5 mins to work out what’s going on based on what you say. I minimised my mental health struggles as a to cope with them - for decades. Worked for decades - then it didn’t. I did reach out to GP from time to time but looking back when I thought I was over complaining and makes a fuss, I was actually undercomplaining.

I have also done that. It took a friend pointing out to me that people would have been signed off for less to get help in the past.

Exercise is a tricky one. On the one hand I have a health issue that means that getting started is harder for me. I also am prone to perfectionism, so if I make a plan then have to alter the plan, I'm disappointed with myself. Which rubs away at self esteem so then fall into the pit.

What did work before was picking something I enjoy (swimming)...but at the moment as its summer I don't seem to want to be in an indoor pool. I think what I might do is aim for one outdoor swim and one outdoor bike ride.

A lot of what you’ve said sounds like it could be peri-menopause related. Do you have any physical symptoms that could fit with that? Many women are prescribed anti depressants at this age when actually HRT might help. Just a thought!

Exercise is a tricky one. On the one hand I have a health issue that means that getting started is harder for me. I also am prone to perfectionism, so if I make a plan then have to alter the plan, I'm disappointed with myself. Which rubs away at self esteem so then fall into the pit.

Therapy would help with this. You could dig into what you’re protecting yourself from feeling. Self-sabotage is actually self-protection. If you find out what feelings you’re repressing, you might not feel so flat anymore.

I sometimes get headaches - maybe a few more than I used to - but I know how to prevent them (no caffeine, enough sleep, don't get dehydrated, avoid unexpected stress). No other physical symptoms.

My memory is shite, and brain clarity can sometimes be low, but this is OK with enough sleep, and writing everything down.

Peri could be responsible for my mood though. I'm trying to avoid HRT as I have an estrogen sensitive condition. I don't know for sure that I wouldn't be having too much estrogen. I also don't think I'm doing enough (mentally, socially, physically) to take care of me, so I don't want to go on HRT without having got everything else taken care of first.

I suppose I could look at natural supplements.

Yes I've often thought therapy might help. I can't afford private therapy but CBT could help.

I am very stuck in my head about it.

In terms of what I am protecting myself from - overdoing it and not being able to cope, trying and being told I'm not trying (this has happened in netball), and having to face reality that I can't do something.

I think it's protecting myself from emotional overwhelm. But also a (valid) need to protect myself from physical overwhelm.

I think once I get fitter it would be good for me to do challenges and do things in groups.

This has actually been quite helpful to write it down. ❤️

Also meant to say I did some cycling today 👍

I feel rather like you describe yourself before getting in to meditation. I'd love to properly try it.
Any tips/resource recommendations for a novice? I've tried Headspace and Calm before but didn't especially like them..
Thanks!

I did the MBSR NHS 8 week course - that was quite good.

AuraBora

i use calm app mainly but I also just sometimes set a timer on my phone for 2 mins and sit with my eyes closed and breathe in and out and let mi thoughts come and go.

Meditating is not about being perfect or good at it but for me the sense is in the doing it. I don’t clear my mind I just sit and let my thoughts come and go. Start with 1 minute a day and commit to it and see if you can do that for a week. If you miss one then so what! But you will soon look forward to that minute and gradually make it longer.

Menopause?

@WindySkiesAtNight I think you’re protecting yourself from feeling some emotional things more than physical. Perfectionism is usually born of anxiety - I think it would be useful to explore why you’re perfectionist. Worth thinking about: Who are you worried about disappointing? Where did that pattern come from? When did you first feel like that in life?

It’s good to chip away at the emotional overwhelm bit by bit - like sorting out a sock drawer and pairing up all the odd socks. Then it won’t feel so overwhelming anymore.

Given your age my lovely I’d put money on this being hormone related, how do you feel about trialling HRT for a few months to see if it helps? X

Sorry you feel this way OP.

I get like that sometimes.

The trick is not to wait for motivation, but just to DO something for 10 minutes. You often find once you've started, the motivation kicks in and you might end up doing it for longer. But don't beat yourself up if you don't.

Atomic Habits might be worth a read.

Another thing I try to do is not judge myself a failure for not doing all the stuff I wish I was doing. I tend to assume it's because I'm a lazy useless twat, but actually if I stop the negative self talk and try to work it out, I realise there's often good reasons for me to feel the way I do...such as needing rest, or trying to do too much at once and/or inconvenient timing.

Be gentle with yourself.

Sounds like peri combined with the fact you’ve prioritised work over private life for too long. See doc about peri as there’s lots they can do to help. And find some hobbies you enjoy. Make one of them active. Things I’d personally consider are walking group, Thai chi, meditation, choir, learning to knit, learning a language. Have a few things to mix and match but do something every week at least. Also I strongly recommend volunteering, although this usually requires a bit of commitment to a regular slot. It will make you feel so good to be helping someone and you will meet other nice people.

Hello! I’m mid 40s, single and no children too - I’ve definitely suffered with depression in the past and every now and then have an existential crisis!

Its a tough one and unfortunately have no advice, but just wanted to say you’re not alone x

No one really. My mum was an alcoholic and I messed up college as that was all going on. So I started again and got quite perfectionist. Can't really go back and change that.

I think what can help is asking myself - is this the hill (perfectionism) I really want to run up? Perfectionism is hard work.

Where do people fit into your life? Friends, family, colleagues, wider circles - like volunteering, sports clubs etc. Are you lonely perhaps?