Eupd am I the problem

[feelingbleh]

I'm really struggling right now to understand whether I'm this horrible awful person or if I'm being gaslit left right and centre. Stuff happens all the time but because of the way I react I end up being the person in the wrong and what's done to me seems to be forgotten. I genuinely don't think im in the wrong a lot of the time but its always me that ends up apologising, nobody ever apologises to me. I'm just so confused about who I am and if im the problem.

Have you tried working on the way you react? There is no value on working out who is “in the wrong” in every scenario. Most conflicts are some shade of grey in the middle. Work on things you can control, like the way you react.

I know your right but its so hard im doing another course of emotional regulation soon. So hopefully that will help because I honestly just don't know how to react when someone is completely screwing me over. And I feel because of the way I am and my diagnosis people approach me differently and their already defensive before I even open my mouth

Could you provide some examples?
i’m the same as you
i end up over sharing with friends trying to figure out if i have a right to be upset over things .
its hard some times to figure out if it’s me or not

I literally could of written this post I’m also diagnosed with EUPD and constantly wondering if I’m the problem or not

When you refer to these other people who tell you you're wrong and never apologise what sort of people are we talking about?

If it's a group of interrelated people like family or friends then it could well be that this is a dysfunctional group who are all treating you badly.

If it's people from very different parts of your life who aren't part of a connected group then it's more likely that your behaviour is the common factor.

So yesterday I went to the drs I had 2 appointments one at 8.45am for a blood test and one at 9.30 for help with a pip renewal. I'd asked my gp a couple of weeks ago to write me a letter and he'd agreed, I'd spoke to him on Wednesday and he said he'd done it and I said I'd pick it up on Friday as I would be at the surgery. I get their about 8.40am say to reception iv got two appointments and im here to pick up the letter she said it just needs printing off and I said that's fine I need it for my 9.30 appointment. I then got called for my blood test and when I came out she said take a seat the managers sorting it. The time kept going by and I asked twice more if its been sorted as i would lile to read it first and she just said their doing it now. 9.30 comes I get called through for my second appointment and I said I still haven't got the letter and she said its here now so I go to take it and she said their is a charge for it I said that's fine do you take card and she said no only cash so I said can I have the letter and then il nip to the cashpoint after she said no I can't hand it over without payment so bearing in mind im already stressed because pip stuff is stressful and I'd got more and more irritated waiting for this letter. I said (apparently shouted i think im just loud) if it hadn't have take 40 minutes to print of a letter I could of gone to the cashpoint before the appointment you know i needed it for this appointment then she says don't shout at me by this point everyone is looking I burst into tears and go into my appointment this ruins my whole appointment as I can't stop crying. After the appointment I went to the cashpoint came back got the letter and said sorry for shouting at you and she just said its fine where use to it but no apology from her or anything. I also had similar a while back in a&e they wanted to change my blood thinners and I didn't want to and I explained how I have a phobia of new medications from things happening in the past from new medications and the dr turned around and said so there's not an actual reason you can't take them then. I got upset and just said iv just told you the actual reason he then goes to speak to the consultant and I can hear him and he says she just went crazy for no reason so again im apparently at fault and he's done nothing wrong

Mainly nhs workers. And I think its because they know i have eupd from my records so they approach me differently to how they would other patients. It is people in my actual life as well just not as often

Only advice I could give would be to try to socialise more as I think possibly (without having met you) that might help you keep these things in perspective. I feel like it's best to approach the nhs with low expectations. Is there any classes you fancy doing, church, mind groups etc. I am sorry if that's not helpful.

Thankyou i struggle with leaving the house at the moment but hopefully one day this will be an option

As an NHS worker I think it can be like being part of a big dysfunctional family at times so I'll count that 😆. Agree with PP, these are often very stressed out people that mostly go into work wanting to be helpful but the workload kind of pushes your tired brain to see the service users a bit like a production line. Have realistic expectations and try not to take it personally.

Those particular case aren’t you - it’s basic nhs incompetence and shocking customer service - most people would have been pissed off

it is best to try and abate your emotions in those situations but most people find it hard

You say you are confused about who is at fault, at fault for what exactly ?

This may or may not be relevant... but DS has EUPD and, generally, his feelings about situations are absolutely valid ( eg being pissed off) but his reaction is disproportionate.
I know he can't help it. People who don't know him well, don't know that he can't help it.
Also, it's still hard to be on the receiving end of disproportionate emotions/ negative feelings, even if you love that person dearly and you know they can't help it.

It’s not whether you are right or wrong it’s how you respond to it. Yes you were right to be angry. Objectively it’s a frustrating scenario but most people would be quietly cross or send in a complaint later not scream and shout in the waiting room. You need to find a way to be assertive without losing it. This will be a much more effective way to live your life in the long run.

I think this is exactly it. I'm not always wrong in the situation but the way I react is which overshadows everything.

Because I don't think im wrong like in situations I gave examples for above yet I always end up apologising and nobody ever apologises to me and im then seen as difficult and challenging.

I think one of the issues is this isn't a one off where I could let it go. Stuff like this happens all the time and my tolerance is getting lower and lower. I do absolutely agree that I need to find ways to get my point across without shouting.

For medical appts, do you have anyone who can go with you? It is helpful (not just for patients with EUPD) - medical professionals seem to listen more when there’s an additional person to advocate.

Not really sometimes if friends or family are about but everyone's usually working or has childcare. Iv had my cpn come to a few appointments and iv had pals at a drs request in with me before. But its honestly like the drs have a personality transplant whenever their is a witness especially when its someone professional.

I don’t think you are being seen as difficult and challenging because you apologise and other people don’t, I’m sorry if that’s not what you’re saying.

From the examples that you’re giving, it sounds like you are viewing those interactions as some sort of combative situation and responding as such, rather than a frustrating situation which you can work alongside people to solve or can express your views in a solution focussed way.

My medical records are full of how difficult/challenging and complex i am which i sometimes think is what causes so many issues as it changes the way people approach me. I think aswell because I cry really easily I find it hard to explain clearly what im trying to say and I don't always make sense.

Have you been offered DBT? My DS waited well over 3 years for DBT on the NHS. But it was at least helpful when he was finally seen.

How’s your ability to empathise? How do you feel if someone shouts at you when you make a mistake?

My area doesn't offer dbt but they have just started something called RAES which I think is about relationships and emotions that iv been accepted on to just waiting for the start date

I struggle with empathy it doesn't come naturally I don't like it if someone shouts at me