Burnout, depression, addiction questions

[sheepandbear]

I’ve recently started seeing someone (we’re both late 40s) who has been honest and upfront from the start about his MH issues.
He suffered a burnout 5 years ago which developed into depression and anxiety. He then developed an addiction to his meds and went through detox.
He is doing great now. Super aware of MH issues and has so much empathy. These are traits that attracted me to him in the first place. He still sees a private counselor regularly and practices meditation. No meds at all and he doesn’t drink or smoke. He does have some anxiety about going to new places and driving but is working on it.
I have an inner voice telling me to run, to not let myself get involved with someone who has these problems. However, he is really lovely and so many people are in denial about their own MH issues that maybe the risk of his depression reoccurring is no worse than someone who has repressed their issues finally having a breakdown…?
I’d really appreciate any advice on the issue.
Should I just take this as a major red flag and run or am I being silly. How can I be supportive? Any first hand experience of having dealt with these issues or having supported a partner with them?
Thanks

I suspect you’ll look back on this thread in a year’s time and think…. Shit I should have walked away then. He gave me a sugar coated version of what in reality - was a very very messed up individual with addictions still alive and kicking.

if I was childfree and had very little otherwise going on in my life by way of friends, family, work… then sure, I’d take the risk.

However, with children (whether baby child, teen young adult or adult)…. No way would I invite the high possibility of drama and destruction. Nor would I want it for myself.

You are in your late forties. Now is the time for just fun, frolics, responsibility free partnership. This has shit storm as too much of a possibility for my liking.

However if I had little to lose then 🤷‍♀️ sure I’d give it a whirl!

@2sometimes3 mmm, I get that.
I do have a great life without him and absolutely do not “need” a man in my life at all.
He’s invited me to an event this Saturday with a small group of his friends. I am happy to go and meet them but am conflicted as I am far from ready to introduce him to my friends. (Having said that, it took me 3 months to talk about and 4 months to introduce my last relationship to anyone and he was Mr Perfect…)
So yeah, still conflicted and proceeding with a lot of caution.

why did you think the last chap was mr perfect and then alter turned out to be not?

have you had quite a difficult relationship history op?

in answer to your question, no I wouldn’t pursue this in your shoes.

but yes… if I didn’t have much to lose, then I’d give it a whirl. But children, friends, work…, no way would I risk derailing

How long has he actually been addiction free?

consider that whatever he has told you, won’t quite reflect the horror of those years upon his family and friends during that time

@Coffeequotaoh he wasn’t the perfect man for me. I just meant he was perfectly presentable, good job, pleasant, polite etc.
No major relationship dramas in my past.

@Remembername he had his burn out 5 years ago and was prescribed antidepressants that he struggled to get off for nearly a year. He’s been off meds completely for 3 years. He’s close to his family (siblings, nieces and nephews) and has a lot of long term friends who he sees regularly so it would appear they have stood by him. I have no doubt they were seriously worried by his mental health but not sure he put anyone through any “horrors…”

If I don’t decide to walk away now, it will obviously be a subject I need to hear more about. From him and them.

How long have you known him op? How many times have you got together with him in person? Is he local?

but not sure he put anyone through any “horrors…”

spot the person with no experience of a close faking member with an addiction

family member.

@Clickjaw
Just 3 dates -coffee and walk, lunch out and picnic in the park. This is over a month. Very early days.
We have got into the habit of long phone calls a few times a week and messaging in between.
He’s invited me to go watch his friend sing in a concert this Saturday afternoon.

And you’re right, I have no experience of addiction whatsoever.

Can I add though that he never took anything that had not been prescribed. He describes it as a “dependence” but not sure if that is any different but he never took anything that his doctor was not in agreement with.

Oh… this is barely in embryonic form. Is it long distance?

Would I carry it on? No.

But you seem keen to, so good luck!

He then developed an addiction to his meds

A dependence is an addiction

But you seem keen to, so good luck!

That sounds like an accusation 😂

I am really, really undecided. That’s why I’m interested in opinions. The majority here is pushing me towards ending things before they go any further but I have already agreed to Saturday so will go and after the concert, I’m going to ask him to talk and explain my concerns. I’m leaning towards telling him I can’t continue seeing him but think he deserves a decent conversation.
I also don’t want to base my decision purely on Mumsnet advice because everyone has their own baggage. I am taking everything on board though.

An accusation of what?

as I say, I wouldn’t. No need to take risks like this because life is good. Any man lucky enough to be with me is not going to pose a risk to my current happy life by having very serious and recent issues.

Given you have barely met him, and seem fairly keen to pursue… I was just wishing you luck! No accusations.

I am going to guess he’s long distance

@Clickjaw
I wouldn’t say long distance but I live in the middle of nowhere (not UK.) It’s about a 40 minute drive.

And he’s happy to travel to you? I just read on your other thread about how he’s still anxious about leaving his locality

Not sure about happy but he said he is fine with driving to my house (which is very quiet and rural.) If I have understood correctly, anxiety is more about going to crowded places, public transport, new places. (40 minutes isn’t considered far where I live.)
However I haven’t invited him yet…While I’m unsure I’m sticking to public dates!

This is Mumsnet, there are plenty of mean and nasty keyboard warriors.

It’s not unusual for someone to burn out. It’s unusual for GPs to prescribe addictive drugs like benzodiazepines long-term. Normal for them to prescribe antidepressants like SSRIs which cause discontinuation syndrome (brain zaps etc) so need a slow taper off them. If you want to keep seeing him, don’t be swayed by other people who don’t know him or you.

Thanks. That’s helpful to know. I’m going to ask him to tell me more about this. He told me he was prescribed very strong antidepressants and he struggled to get off them. He is a huge advocate for counselling, meditation and alternative therapies due to this “dependence/ addiction/ whatever…”
He could be sugar coating or downplaying the situation or he could equally be exaggerating. Or just telling it like it is.
The fact is he seems absolutely fine and so much more insightful and self aware than anyone else I have ever dated but he is still re-training so I know it was serious at the time. And who knows how he will get on when he does get back to work, be it a totally different profession…?
So, yep, slowly does it. I’ll make a mental list of things to talk about on Saturday and see how I feel after.

I was prescribed Venlafaxine for 10 years and 18 months of those years were spent tapering off - it was horrific. Most people talking about how they wouldn’t want these “addicts” near their children have NO idea how many social workers, teachers and nurses are on antidepressants.

Clinicians describe dependence as the normal biological reactions that occur when someone takes a substance for a long time. Whereas addiction is defined as the continued use of alcohol or drugs despite negative consequences.

@ReallyWildRoses thanks so much for sharing and clarifying. I do feel like there has been a lot of generalizations thrown about.
Sounds like you’re doing well now.

It’s been seven years since I came off that medication and I wouldn’t take SSRIs again. I burned out because I was doing 80-hour weeks in an extremely stressful job. I now do fewer hours in an entirely different job and I don’t need antidepressants. If you have a good feeling about this man, give the relationship a chance - I’m not seeing any red flags.

What do you want from a relationship in your late forties with adult children op?

I am in a similar situation (although mine are early mid teens), and I enjoy European city weekend breaks away with my “partner” (seems too strong a word but I don’t like saying boyfriend!), theatre and dinner trips to London, we go for hikes in Peak District and get a b&b…. If this chap can’t travel more than a very short distance, that’s somewhat limiting.

i suppose it depends on what you want. But at this point in my life, i dont want to deal with someone else’s very serious issues, which clearly he is still suffering from if can’t travel beyond his locality and only 4 years free from what sounds like a very dark time. I want to have fun, frolics and some fancy free time!

however you sound much more willing to engage with these issues, and perhaps looking for something different?

has he been married before? Has he spoken about whether he ever wanted children?