Absolutely convinced I am dying (crisis)

[AprilBaby2025]

I have posted on Mumsnet a lot. But I am really struggling. More than I can put into words. Also, I don’t live in the UK so healthcare is a bit different.

I have severe, debilitating health anxiety and OCD. I am 31 and have had this since I was about 10. I gave birth 7 weeks ago.

The entire pregnancy was mental torture. This was a very wanted pregnancy and baby. But it was HELL due to my ocd and health anxiety. I found out I was pregnant a bit before 4 weeks. I was obsessed with having a miscarriage. I spent $200 on different pregnancy tests. I took one every time I went pee for 2 weeks looking for “line progression”.

I had minimal symptoms in the first trimester so was convinced this was bad news. I over analyzed my ultrasound photos convinced I saw weird things or bad things.

I had bubbly pee so I was convinced I had kidney disease (this was also a worry before pregnancy).

After the first trimester, I was convinced I would get pre-eclampsia. I have a big fear of blood pressure (posted about this before) which results in high readings most of the time. I thought/think I have a physiological problem and was destined to get pre-eclampsia and have a preemie baby. I had my hospital bags packed by 25 weeks because I thought after every midwife appointment I would be sent to the hospital due to pre eclampsia.

At around 26 weeks I even started getting all the symptoms of pre-eclampsia. I even saw stars in my vision all day everyday (it turns out, these were normal visual artifacts I was focusing on and your brain is pretty damn good at tricking you!). I took hundreds of photos of my feet and hands looking for swelling, hundreds of photos of my urine because of the bubbles, asked my husband to show me his urine to compare, etc.

These obsessions and worries went on 24/7. They often woke me up at night, I had anxiety attacks constantly, I was miserable all the time and made my husband miserable. He was great and did everything during my pregnancy. He attended every single appointment and was by my side every single second. But I was in a mental health crisis for the entire 9 months (and now as well).

After an appointment at 36 weeks pregnant, I noticed some sudden scratches on my belly that weren’t there an hour before. After looking it up, it sounded like petechiae which means low platelets which is a symptom of pre-eclampsia. I was obsessed with these scratches for a week. Waking up in the middle of the night to check on them. Taking photos and comparing them. They started to fade away and were gone after a week. I probably scratched myself and my belly is already stretched out and sensitive.

I ended up giving birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl at 39 weeks and 2 days. I went into spontaneous labour and had a very uncomplicated unmedicated delivery (I wanted all the drugs but didn’t make it to the hospital in time for drugs). We were both completely healthy.

A few weeks before she was born, as I was looking at one of these scratches on my belly, I came across a mole on the underside of my boob that I’ve had for years. This has always been a very large and weird looking mole. It’s on the underside of my boob so I don’t consistently see it unless I look for it. My husband sees it a lot though. I don’t know when I first developed the mole, but I first noticed it 5 years ago. I had a melanoma obsession back in 2020. I never saw a doctor, but I scanned all my moles and there were 2 I became obsessed with (one being the boob mole).

Anyways, being already in a heightened state of anxiety, I then latched onto the boob mole again. And then I swore it changed. I asked my husband and he said it looks the same. He hasn’t noticed any change. I took a photo of it now and compared it to photos I took 3-4 years and and it looks more raised and the boarders look slightly different. It’s hard to tell whether the colour is the same because of different lighting and camera qualities but maybe it’s darker? There was always a raised part of the mole, but that part seems to have “spread” and more of the mole is raised. There’s also little black specks in it, although this has always been there. And I have another mole with that as well. The last 3 weeks of my pregnancy, I couldn’t leave my bed I spent all day crying and hyperventilating. I peed myself from the intense anxiety. I spent hours pacing my house saying “this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening”.

I had a physically perfect pregnancy and delivery. The worst that happened in 9 months was a second degree tear that was super easy to heal from. My daughter is PERFECT and so beautiful and adorable. I am a good mom and I care for her, play with her, do tummy time, cuddle her, etc. And my husband and I have an equal partnership so we split the care and household duties equally so it’s been pretty easy taking care of her. But this melanoma fear is consuming my life. My husband is so tired. He is just saying “you’re fine. I’m not doing this”. He won’t talk about the mole. Just says I’m fine. I talk to my mom as well, who is also tired of this. And just says I’m fine. No one believes me or sees the mole how I see it. And it looks obviously concerning. I am so scared. And it’s NOT a seborrheic keratosis.

i do have a dermatology appointment in 4 weeks. But I am in mental hell. I breakdown so often, I can’t look forward to anything, I go through each day just thinking “oh by the time X event happens, I would have been diagnosed with cancer”. Every time I look at my mole I think I see something else really concerning about it (uneven surface, black specks, maybe it’s raised even more etc). I don’t know how to be happy. I am planning my funeral. I am thinking about writing letters to my daughter because I won’t be there for her future.

Not only is this melanoma, it is most likely advanced melanoma. And to me, the reasoning sounds so logical and probable. I’ve had this weird and very large mole for 5 years, it has always been a bit raised which happens when the cancer penetrates deeper. So it was most likely at least a stage 1-2 five years ago. And then I feel my lymph nodes under my armpit and one or two feel slightly more prominent. Not huge but a bit more prominent than the other side (and it has been this way for weeks). And I just ruined my family’s life and my own life because I didn’t get the mole removed years ago. And now I have advanced cancer.

I can’t even think about this summer because I just think “it will be the worst summer because I will have cancer and an uncertain future”. I don’t know how to get through this. My mom just says “your husband and I love you. Trust us”. But they don’t see what I see. I don’t know how to just go through each day being happy, looking forward to the future, not thinking about my mole, etc.

I am ruining my marriage too. My husband is so tired. He refuses to talk to me about the mole anymore. He says im being ridiculous. My husband even said earlier in the pregnancy “when you don’t get pre eclampsia and we have a healthy full term baby, will you finally use that as proof that your worries are not real and stop?” And I said I would on the off chance that everything works out perfectly. But I didn’t know the mole would come back to haunt me!

I can’t do this. I am going insane. Each day is hell. I picture myself being diagnosed with cancer in 4-8 weeks. I picture our lives changing forever and me hating myself for not getting it looked at sooner. I have the most beautiful little girl and I hate my life right now because of the cancer.

Over the last couple of months, I have gotten help. I started seeing a psychologist specializing in OCD. But we only just started ERP. I also started taking 50mg of Zoloft about 2 months ago. I increased my dosage to 100mg about 5 days ago. Although I think that has increased my anxiety, if that was even possible.

Help :(
how do I get through this? How do I get through each day happily? How can I look forward to the future without thinking about the dermatologist appointment and being diagnosed with cancer ?

What's the overriding theme through out you detailed (and beautifully written) post?

You have been wrong. Every. Single. Time. Not even close.

As someone once said, who also had health anxiety, you'd make a rotten doctor because you can not get a single diagnosis correct. So why is this one going to be any different?

(Your statistical chance of dying aged 31 is 0.001192 and your average life expectancy is 49.4 years - not that this will make the slightest dent in your thinking.)

What happened when you were 10 years old? To fix this - and it is fixable - it would really help to figure out what started those alarm bells in your mind.

Great that you've started therapy, OP. But you need to be asking your therapist how to deal with these fears, not seeking reassurance on the internet. You're doing the right thing in addressing the health anxiety, keep going with your therapy and get your life back. Congratulations on your baby.

I see the therapist once a week. I only started a few weeks ago so still early days. And the time between sessions is ROUGH!

It's hard work, challenging fears that you've had for so long. But just think of the freedom you'll have, it's worth it. There is a happy life waiting for you

You’re doing exactly the right thing. Medication and talking therapy. Are you in the US (Zoloft)? If you’re in the UK ask for a referral to the mental health team as a psychiatrist may also be very helpful.

OCD can take a bit of a heft of ZOloft to shift so don’t worry if you increase dose again but see how this goes over the next 4 weeks.

I am in Canada. I forgot to mention… I did see a perinatal psychiatrist once near the end my pregnancy. I was prescribed 10 Ativan to take as needed (just before my midwife appointments as that caused so much distress).

Can I ask a few questions? Do you ever experience panic attacks with this? Looking at what you have written and the way you are writing, I suspect it reflects the narrative you have in your head, would that be right? Are you afraid that thinking in this way all the time is going to completely overwhelm you and you will go into a panic about it, you mentioned hyperventilating etc?

I wonder if you spend so much time fighting the intrusive thoughts that you can't really deal with them properly, as others have said you have always been wrong. It looks like you spend a lot of time in a really awful future that you have created that doesn't exist, but no time in the present. It's really hard to treat OCD because the problem is thinking too much, so sometimes therapy can make things worse because it involves a lot of thinking and reflecting so I'm glad you have a specialist ERP which should make inroads for you. It is totally possible to put this in the past for you and deal with things in a neurotypical way with the right approach, honestly it is.

There are a few things against you, though, pregnancy you are biologically designed to increase your neuroticism I've seen the most reasonable women go to pieces over unreasonable things when they have babies. Give yourself a break. Couple that with poor sleep, quick food, managing really difficult crazy days well it's no wonder you're spiralling.

You might want to consider a couple of things !) give up the phone as much as you can, it's fire starting everything for you. 2) think about how you can be more present in the moment, whatever helps you, I don't know you but puzzles, games, but an interrupter of your thoughts. 3) your thoughts are not dangerous, they are just thoughts, they don't need to be challenged pushed away or given any attention, you can let them be. It will take time but it sounds like you can absolutely turn things around.

I'm sorry OP I don't have any advice but just wanted to say I think there's a typo here @Eyesopenwideawake- just didn't want the OP/someone else reading the average life expectancy of 49 thing and start spiralling as I think it should say 79?

I interpreted it as 49 MORE years, which would bring me to about 80.

Moles can change in pregnancy, hormones unfortunately. My anxiety kicked off big style in pregnancy and afterwards, again hormones I think. Medication gave my thoughts the rest they needed. I was exhausted by the panic attacks.

I suffer from health anxiety too, although it is currently under control. Mine only started later in life, after I had a baby (although i have always tended to be generally anxious). I understand very well how logic, and people telling you that you are fine, just don't work. And your very distressed post could have been written by me at one stage. It is so awful, I know. I too had a melanoma fear over what turned out to be an innocent mole. And the constant prodding looking for lymph nodes. And the times I had various rare deadly diseases which the doctors were all missing...except I didn't.

What helped me was Mirtazapine, which removed the acute distress, and then several courses of mindfulness. If I ever got to that state again I would go back onto the Mirtazapine. Please try to see a psychiatrist ASAP.

I went through exactly the same thing after my first baby was born. It was a traumatic birth and afterwards I developed a fear that I was terminally ill. It was all in my mind. CBT really helped but I’m also autistic and I have found the long term solution to my MH problems is SSRI medication.

I don’t think I’ve had an official panic attack based on what I’ve read about them. But it’s like a constant INTENSE state of anxiety 24/7.

I had terrible anxiety before pregnancy, but oh my goodness pregnancy and postpartum took it to a level I didn’t even know was physically possible. I can’t eat or sleep many days.

I do try to fight my thoughts all day long. I know it’s not productive. But this loop is so hard to break. And I am always convinced this is the one. This is the fear that’s real.

I have never lived in the present. Ever. Actually maybe on my wedding day and on the day my baby was born. Hell, even during labour all I was thinking about was my mole! I am always living in the future. If I am not living in the future, I am worrying about something in the past. My phone is my enemy. And I’ve been talking to ChatGPT about my mole which ends up just reaffirming my fears and making me feel worse. I don’t have any hobbies which sucks. I use to play games and build Lego. But I have no motivation for those things anymore because I guess I’m afraid to be taken away from my obsessions. When I do those things, I don’t enjoy them because I just think “when is this over so I can get back to worrying?”

I remember saying to the psychiatrist when he prescribed the Mirtazapine "but what about all my worries"? The worries which of course I considered completely justified as I was certain I was dying and that I was only seeing him to try to come to terms with that fact before I died. He said "they will melt away" and made a sort of puffing sound. I didn't believe him and felt angry at him being so idiotic as to think that an antidepressant could stop me worrying about the catastrophe, that I was certainly dying when I had a tiny baby. But he was right, they did melt away! To keep them away I also needed the mindfulness though. I am not on the medication now and I am well at the moment.

Right, I’m not being funny with you but you are a mother now. You need either extreme psychological intervention or a massive kick up the arse. I have moles that don’t look great and have changed over the years, I’m not concerned. I’m a mother. Go get yours checked out and forget about it. It was most likely absolutely nothing years ago any more than it is now. YOU DO NOT HAVE ADVANCED CANCER FFS! Give yourself a massive shake. Get the subject off of you. You have a newborn and she needs you, not your hysteria. You are not going to die and it says something that you’re only catastrophising about your own life rather than focusing on your baby.
How can you get through this? You focus on your healthy baby. You give yourself a hard bloody shake because you are pushing your partner away so you can’t even get comfort from there. What you’re doing right now if you continue on like this you will alienate your husband and you certainly won’t be able to bring up your child the way that she should be brought up (reminder - that is your responsibility).
Fucking pull yourself together because believe me, if your husband bails you’ll either lose custody or have to carry on as a 50/50 parent. If you can’t cope, you can’t bring up your baby.
For fucks sake stop focusing on your bullshit what ifs and understand that you are a mum first and foremost. You want to lose everything? Carry

@steveslavachicken tell me you know nothing about mental illness without telling me you know nothing about mental illness. Your intervention is deeply unhelpful. She is ill. Would you tell someone with a serious physical illness to treat themselves by giving themselves a shake?

This is really sensible.

Op - good luck.

Ah op, i could have written this myself! I’m even waiting for an urgent dermatology appointment at the mo and have written myself off with advanced melanoma for sure. I have had some CBT a couple of years ago and it did help a bit, but I always come back to the health anxiety. It’s so shit. Be kind to yourself.

I don't think people who have never experienced health anxiety (which is an illness, with specific symptoms, not just being concerned about health in general or even about a specific issue) can understand how awful it is. It is not selfishness or being "silly", and using logic or hearing that you are fine from non-medical people, or even from doctors who you perceive to have been mistaken, does not ease the symptoms one bit. You cannot "pull yourself together". If you could, believe me you would. It is a horrible illness which robs all the joy from life.

I get it. Totally and utterly unfortunately.
I'm not over it entirely but much much better than I was.
CBT and anti depressants have helped enormously and a mini coping mechanism I have now is to think of the (many) times I have self diagnosed and there's been nothing wrong and for those cases where I can do something about a genuine concern where it should be checked is to approach it logically and methodically.
I wish you all the best. I hear you and I feel your anguish.

Please try medication as soon as you can.

Not silly, but bonkers yes.

I'm tired of prejudice against using words like bonkers or loony. Being bonkers is common, I've had spells of being bonkers. It happens to the best of us.

If you know it's bonkers and openly recognise that, then maybe it's easier to reject that way of thinking because you therefore know it's Wrong.

This isn't you, OP. It's an illness.

What happened in your life when you were 10 yrs old? Do you know what the trigger event was to start this way of thinking?

Oh god you are really poorly, you poor thing. I have OCD and it latches on to my health too and I have been where you are. Medication is the best option, no amount of mindfulness will shift this.

You need to stop checking and seeking reassurance, which is the compulsive element. Whilst you get the meds right, look for some books or pod casts that specialise in OCD, there are hundreds and they will teach you how to manage the symptoms whilst you get the medication right.

You will be well again one day, it just takes time x

I know you feel your brain and body are against you but reframe it to look at how amazing they are.
Your body carried your girl safely for 9 months. You had a healthy pregnancy and an uncomplicated and unmedicated birth.

You body doesn't want to hurt and attack you, it's done an amazing job so far and will continue to do so.

OP, you know that this mole is not an issue.
I have had numerous moles for 40+ years - I never think about them.

But you do need help with your mental health, because your reactions are extreme. Please seek support from your midwife/health visitor/doctor.