I have posted on Mumsnet a lot. But I am really struggling. More than I can put into words. Also, I don’t live in the UK so healthcare is a bit different.
I have severe, debilitating health anxiety and OCD. I am 31 and have had this since I was about 10. I gave birth 7 weeks ago.
The entire pregnancy was mental torture. This was a very wanted pregnancy and baby. But it was HELL due to my ocd and health anxiety. I found out I was pregnant a bit before 4 weeks. I was obsessed with having a miscarriage. I spent $200 on different pregnancy tests. I took one every time I went pee for 2 weeks looking for “line progression”.
I had minimal symptoms in the first trimester so was convinced this was bad news. I over analyzed my ultrasound photos convinced I saw weird things or bad things.
I had bubbly pee so I was convinced I had kidney disease (this was also a worry before pregnancy).
After the first trimester, I was convinced I would get pre-eclampsia. I have a big fear of blood pressure (posted about this before) which results in high readings most of the time. I thought/think I have a physiological problem and was destined to get pre-eclampsia and have a preemie baby. I had my hospital bags packed by 25 weeks because I thought after every midwife appointment I would be sent to the hospital due to pre eclampsia.
At around 26 weeks I even started getting all the symptoms of pre-eclampsia. I even saw stars in my vision all day everyday (it turns out, these were normal visual artifacts I was focusing on and your brain is pretty damn good at tricking you!). I took hundreds of photos of my feet and hands looking for swelling, hundreds of photos of my urine because of the bubbles, asked my husband to show me his urine to compare, etc.
These obsessions and worries went on 24/7. They often woke me up at night, I had anxiety attacks constantly, I was miserable all the time and made my husband miserable. He was great and did everything during my pregnancy. He attended every single appointment and was by my side every single second. But I was in a mental health crisis for the entire 9 months (and now as well).
After an appointment at 36 weeks pregnant, I noticed some sudden scratches on my belly that weren’t there an hour before. After looking it up, it sounded like petechiae which means low platelets which is a symptom of pre-eclampsia. I was obsessed with these scratches for a week. Waking up in the middle of the night to check on them. Taking photos and comparing them. They started to fade away and were gone after a week. I probably scratched myself and my belly is already stretched out and sensitive.
I ended up giving birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl at 39 weeks and 2 days. I went into spontaneous labour and had a very uncomplicated unmedicated delivery (I wanted all the drugs but didn’t make it to the hospital in time for drugs). We were both completely healthy.
A few weeks before she was born, as I was looking at one of these scratches on my belly, I came across a mole on the underside of my boob that I’ve had for years. This has always been a very large and weird looking mole. It’s on the underside of my boob so I don’t consistently see it unless I look for it. My husband sees it a lot though. I don’t know when I first developed the mole, but I first noticed it 5 years ago. I had a melanoma obsession back in 2020. I never saw a doctor, but I scanned all my moles and there were 2 I became obsessed with (one being the boob mole).
Anyways, being already in a heightened state of anxiety, I then latched onto the boob mole again. And then I swore it changed. I asked my husband and he said it looks the same. He hasn’t noticed any change. I took a photo of it now and compared it to photos I took 3-4 years and and it looks more raised and the boarders look slightly different. It’s hard to tell whether the colour is the same because of different lighting and camera qualities but maybe it’s darker? There was always a raised part of the mole, but that part seems to have “spread” and more of the mole is raised. There’s also little black specks in it, although this has always been there. And I have another mole with that as well. The last 3 weeks of my pregnancy, I couldn’t leave my bed I spent all day crying and hyperventilating. I peed myself from the intense anxiety. I spent hours pacing my house saying “this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening”.
I had a physically perfect pregnancy and delivery. The worst that happened in 9 months was a second degree tear that was super easy to heal from. My daughter is PERFECT and so beautiful and adorable. I am a good mom and I care for her, play with her, do tummy time, cuddle her, etc. And my husband and I have an equal partnership so we split the care and household duties equally so it’s been pretty easy taking care of her. But this melanoma fear is consuming my life. My husband is so tired. He is just saying “you’re fine. I’m not doing this”. He won’t talk about the mole. Just says I’m fine. I talk to my mom as well, who is also tired of this. And just says I’m fine. No one believes me or sees the mole how I see it. And it looks obviously concerning. I am so scared. And it’s NOT a seborrheic keratosis.
i do have a dermatology appointment in 4 weeks. But I am in mental hell. I breakdown so often, I can’t look forward to anything, I go through each day just thinking “oh by the time X event happens, I would have been diagnosed with cancer”. Every time I look at my mole I think I see something else really concerning about it (uneven surface, black specks, maybe it’s raised even more etc). I don’t know how to be happy. I am planning my funeral. I am thinking about writing letters to my daughter because I won’t be there for her future.
Not only is this melanoma, it is most likely advanced melanoma. And to me, the reasoning sounds so logical and probable. I’ve had this weird and very large mole for 5 years, it has always been a bit raised which happens when the cancer penetrates deeper. So it was most likely at least a stage 1-2 five years ago. And then I feel my lymph nodes under my armpit and one or two feel slightly more prominent. Not huge but a bit more prominent than the other side (and it has been this way for weeks). And I just ruined my family’s life and my own life because I didn’t get the mole removed years ago. And now I have advanced cancer.
I can’t even think about this summer because I just think “it will be the worst summer because I will have cancer and an uncertain future”. I don’t know how to get through this. My mom just says “your husband and I love you. Trust us”. But they don’t see what I see. I don’t know how to just go through each day being happy, looking forward to the future, not thinking about my mole, etc.
I am ruining my marriage too. My husband is so tired. He refuses to talk to me about the mole anymore. He says im being ridiculous. My husband even said earlier in the pregnancy “when you don’t get pre eclampsia and we have a healthy full term baby, will you finally use that as proof that your worries are not real and stop?” And I said I would on the off chance that everything works out perfectly. But I didn’t know the mole would come back to haunt me!
I can’t do this. I am going insane. Each day is hell. I picture myself being diagnosed with cancer in 4-8 weeks. I picture our lives changing forever and me hating myself for not getting it looked at sooner. I have the most beautiful little girl and I hate my life right now because of the cancer.
Over the last couple of months, I have gotten help. I started seeing a psychologist specializing in OCD. But we only just started ERP. I also started taking 50mg of Zoloft about 2 months ago. I increased my dosage to 100mg about 5 days ago. Although I think that has increased my anxiety, if that was even possible.
Help :(
how do I get through this? How do I get through each day happily? How can I look forward to the future without thinking about the dermatologist appointment and being diagnosed with cancer ?