Really struggling to see a way out other than to just end it

[TheBigPurpleOne25]

I have had bad mental health for years, since my late teens, I'm early 30s now and have a 3yo DS who is literally my only reason for living but even I suck at that. He is suspected to be autistic and non verbal and is very challenging. I'm constantly losing my temper, I'm always so anxious and upset and I spend a lot of my time crying. I actually think I may have bi polar but I feel like the doctor will laugh at me. I have days where I feel full of confidence and I feel like I can rip a tree out of the ground, then I have days where I literally feel like someone has died. The bad days are more frequent. Today had been a bad day, I do have a lot going on and stresses in my life that I can't really go into right now but my logical brain can see that even these things doesn't warrant my reactions. Everything feels so bleak all the time and I just want to get through one day without crying my eyes out and imagining my families life without me in it. I'm always moaning and whining about how I feel and I'm just a burden to everyone. I love my son so much and I can't bare the thought of not being here to love him but I also can't bare the thought of living this life anymore. Theres no joy, no happiness, just misery. This is all about of a mess and a rant but I have no one to tell this too and no one believes me anyway.

Hello @TheBigPurpleOne25
Didn't want to read and run

Please please talk to someone, either a family or trusted friend, or (perhaps best so) your GP.
They absolutely won't laugh at you, you need to tell people how you're feeling.
There is help out there for you, but they need to know how you're feeling.

A very close family member has sought help and despite not feeling as bad as you are has not been laughed at, has been given medication and counselling sessions as well.

Your little boy would miss you so very much and whatever you're going through a the moment can be sorted, even if it doesn't feel like it can be.

Crisis lines and Samaritans will speak to you and let you off load.
Please talk to your GP tomorrow.
X

I’d go straight to your GP tomorrow and ask to be referred to CMHT.
if you’re feeling suicidal, go to A&E. You will end up referred to social services, but as long as you are trying to get well and engaging with services you’ll be fine.

I have EUPD, and I think you sound a lot like me. I’m so sorry you are going through a hard time. Talk to the professionals, this is what they are there for. I’ve been sectioned twice in the last year, much much better that than taking my own life and leaving three small children without a Mum.
I have always found MH services, much more understanding than general practice by the way, although my GP is brilliant luckily.

You can feel better but you need some help, please speak to your GP. You will come out the other side!

I have two diagnosed autistic DC .
Many days I am in the depths of despair and suicide is often my first thought when things go wrong .
I also was convinced I had bipolar because of my moods dropping so low
After years of trying literally every anti depressants possible
My doctor suggested I get assessed for autism and ADHD
Turns out I was diagnosed with both
The moods I thought were bipolar were meltdowns and shutdowns
I read somewhere that suicide is one of the leading causes of death in autistic people.

Anyway I totally get how hard it is managing high support needs autistic dc
And managing your own issues at the same time .
Knowing what was wrong with me massively helped me stay in control of myself a bit more.
I hope you have managed to get some support from your doctor x

I was also wondering if you'd considered you may have autism yourself OP.

My mental health was appalling before I realised I was autistic and could put in place coping strategies. I also wondered if I was bipolar - this is quite a common misdiagnosis for autistic women.

Sorry that you're feeling like this. Please do talk to your GP. Do you have a partner or close family member who would be supportive?

I think you should try GP, take notes before you go of what you want to say so you sre prepared. Try ChatGBT to put together a plan, its really good for that. Sounds like you are really struggling and having suicidal thoughts, that not nothing! . It wont make it worseto try,but may make a world of difference for you if they provide right help.Parenting little children is so hard especially if you dont have enough support. Sending you a big hug.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.💐

Thank you so much. I have been under th care of CMHT but they have been reluctant to refer me any further than talking therapies which I've done many many times. I am diagnosed with GAD and OCD and depression and have been for many years. They don't seem that bothered unless I'm suicidal but I feel scared to tell them how I really feel through fear of having social involved.

This is funny you should say this, my most recent counsellor from CBT told me she thought I should be assessed for autism as she felt I could be on the spectrum and that my OCD was not actually OCd but autism as I am diagnosed with OCD but it's less of the compulsions and more of the intrusive thoughts and need for routine and structure. Logically it makes sense to me that my moods could potentially be autistic meltdowns. I would not say that I typically present with symptoms of autism but I am very easy overwhelmed, loud noises, people, sensitive to touch, textures and quite socially awkward. I do not cope with change and I have a very obsessive personality hence the OCD diagnosis.

Thank you, this is often on my mind whether I may be autistic and masked for most of my life, th fact that youve said bi polar can be mistaken for that brings me comfort.

Your GP can refer you to be assessed for autism via the 'right to choose' so you get on the waiting list for a private company.

There's a facebook group which should list the waiting times so that you can choose the quickest.

Well I've just some to my partner about it and he seems to think it's a waste of time as I can't possibly be autistic as I do t present with the typical traits (he's thinking of our son who is quite obviously autistic to anyone with a brain in his words)

Do you have a partner or family support OP. If you need help with your son you can contact the local parent carer association for support. They may able to out you in touch with other parents.

My first thought is also that you're Autistic. It's highly heritable. I see posts continually where women especially have been diagnosed with multiple MH conditions and they're actually Autistic - and possibly those other conditions aren't accurate.

I feel it is actually normal for many people to feel suicidal. When you consider that you have the stress of raising a child with additional needs in the way you describe, then consider you've probably been masking your whole life and are trying to operate in an NT world that's unforgiving. And whatever other stressors, well it's understandable right now that you feel hopeless.

Medication - the GP can prescribe anti depressants to try. You can tell the GP you have a very strong sense you're Autistic and can you be referred for assessment. You don't ask their opinion, you tell them you believe this to be possible and can they help with referral. It does require being firm which I know is tough when you're so vulnerable.

Samaritans - they are great to cry to when in despair. They don't try talk people out of suicide or panic at the mention. I think this is so important because you can just be honest without fear of panic or ingenuine responses through fear reaction.

A break from your child - some respite from parenting would help you alot. You need a break. I have a teen who is Autistic, ADHD, lots of challenges in different ways. It's too much with no respite. Social services might help if you're saying this life is making you suicidal. I believe there's not a risk you're losing your child if you appeal for help. The challenge is resources.

Can anyone care for your child to give you regular breaks. Benefits like DLA for the child might help pay for support ( if you don't already have it).

A therapist who is familiar with and understands Autism would be a much better fit than anything like CBT for you. I have my own, who I found years ago. I pay. The NHS is appalling and sub standard in what you might get.

When you're on your knees, doing all this is so hard and you might have no will to even try.

If anyone in your life can help you sort some of these things, reach out to them.

You have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. Many mum's want help and are desperate to escape and feeling suicidal is not your fault but a response to utter despair this sounds like ❤️

If you have bipolar, the medication for that is quite particular I understand. Seeing a professional who understands autism might help you learn if bipolar is also going on or if actually that's not where going on here. The two can co exist.

Loads of hugs to you.

If your partner knew anything about autism in women, he'd know that it presents quite differently to in males. I'd go with an expert assessment rather than your partner. I'm sorry that he's not just supporting you in trying to find answers and help.

Thinking of you, @TheBigPurpleOne25 💙
I have DM'd you details of a really good online support group.