I’m sorry, I know I’ve posted on here about this recently. I know it’s not the right place & I know I need to get proper help but I can’t right now - my ex is taking me to court for increased custody (more than 50/50) of my 4 yo DS. His real reason is he wants to play happy families with new partner but he’s using my history of very bad mental health to do it - to try and prove I’m an unfit mother. The poor MH that he knows about & can prove is all 2+ years old. Chronic depression, short period of prescription drug addiction (that I went to rehab for 3 yrs ago and haven’t touched since), one suicide attempt. I’ve experienced a lot of trauma in the last 5 yrs that has caused this.
However, through it all (been separated for 3 years) I’ve always been a good mum to DS. He’s never even seen me sad. If I’ve had to mask, I masked. He’s the most important thing in the world to me & we are super close.
Being quite fragile mentally, this court process has sent me spiralling. However I can’t get professional help on the NHS as my medical records may be requested and it’ll just be used against me to prove I’m still depressed (then probably assumed that makes me an unfit parent). I’m only depressed because of having to go through this process. Ex is making up lies about more recent breakdowns that haven’t happened- completely fabricating stories to his solicitor. I’m terrified of court and being forced to speak about my mental health and the trauma I’ve experienced in the last 5 years. I’m terrified of losing my little boy. Ex refused every suggestion I made - mediation, arbitration, only wanted court, so now it’ll be public, he’ll probably bring all his friends along to watch me suffer.
I lost a lot of friends in the last 5 years and the ones I do have left I can’t bear to speak to about it because I’m so sick of being a burden and constantly having something shitty happening to me. Same with family. I’m not sleeping or eating, ignoring my phone, not working, barely able to go out, just feel sick with fear and hopelessness. The thought of suicide comforts me, it’s the only way out I can think of, it’s the only thing that gives me hope. But then the realisation of the impact on my son hits me and tbh makes me feel incredibly trapped. I can’t abandon him but the alternative is this constant, unbearable pain?! My ex never stops till he gets what he wants, I’m convinced I’ve lost DS already.