Please help, have no one and want to die

[Roxietrees]

I’m sorry, I know I’ve posted on here about this recently. I know it’s not the right place & I know I need to get proper help but I can’t right now - my ex is taking me to court for increased custody (more than 50/50) of my 4 yo DS. His real reason is he wants to play happy families with new partner but he’s using my history of very bad mental health to do it - to try and prove I’m an unfit mother. The poor MH that he knows about & can prove is all 2+ years old. Chronic depression, short period of prescription drug addiction (that I went to rehab for 3 yrs ago and haven’t touched since), one suicide attempt. I’ve experienced a lot of trauma in the last 5 yrs that has caused this.

However, through it all (been separated for 3 years) I’ve always been a good mum to DS. He’s never even seen me sad. If I’ve had to mask, I masked. He’s the most important thing in the world to me & we are super close.

Being quite fragile mentally, this court process has sent me spiralling. However I can’t get professional help on the NHS as my medical records may be requested and it’ll just be used against me to prove I’m still depressed (then probably assumed that makes me an unfit parent). I’m only depressed because of having to go through this process. Ex is making up lies about more recent breakdowns that haven’t happened- completely fabricating stories to his solicitor. I’m terrified of court and being forced to speak about my mental health and the trauma I’ve experienced in the last 5 years. I’m terrified of losing my little boy. Ex refused every suggestion I made - mediation, arbitration, only wanted court, so now it’ll be public, he’ll probably bring all his friends along to watch me suffer.

I lost a lot of friends in the last 5 years and the ones I do have left I can’t bear to speak to about it because I’m so sick of being a burden and constantly having something shitty happening to me. Same with family. I’m not sleeping or eating, ignoring my phone, not working, barely able to go out, just feel sick with fear and hopelessness. The thought of suicide comforts me, it’s the only way out I can think of, it’s the only thing that gives me hope. But then the realisation of the impact on my son hits me and tbh makes me feel incredibly trapped. I can’t abandon him but the alternative is this constant, unbearable pain?! My ex never stops till he gets what he wants, I’m convinced I’ve lost DS already.

Please don’t forget that you are loved. Your boy needs his mum. It will get better. You have been through so much. Sending healing xx

I don't have any expertise but this sounds very hard. If you need someone to talk to please call or message the Samaritans. https://www.samaritans.org/wales/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

Your son needs you. You could also contact Women's Aid who might be able to help practically. You will get through this and things will get easier. I wish you the best.

This won’t always be like this. You will get through this. And you are loved by people. Your son has one mum, who he needs. Sending love and strength.

You have your son

Thing will get better and your little boy loves you more than anything else in the world and needs you now, and always will! X

You have not lost your son and your ex is bullying and intimidating you. Your DS needs you and it’s going to take strength to get through this. Itt is entirely normal that you feel awful now - who wouldn’t with an ex who is doing this to them but you can’t let him beat you.
Please reach out to your friends and family for support - you really are not a burden to them.l and they will want to help you through this if you share how you are feeling.

Do not be ashamed of your struggles and do not focus on the BS that your ex is spinning about you. The courts will see through him. Take care.

Thinking of you. Please do talk to women’s aid and the Samaritans, they’re both really good they have helped first me and then my daughter, who also went through similar 😞. You will get through this, and life will get better. You are strong x

I know if I was your friend I would rather you meet me for a brew and let it all out, I’d rather you be here than not here. Reach out to them x

It sounds like you have been through a huge amount already and have got through it. That shows strength and determination. Your son loves you. He needs you. Please ring the samaritans as shared above and take one bit of the day at a time.

So sorry you are feeling like this xx
Don't feel alone x
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/family-life/your-wellbeing/

Some Helplines xx

This will pass. Right now you need to get through one day at a time & when that’s too much, just get through the next minute. Please reach out for support though - you need to speak to someone irl & find connection to help you through this. As pp says you are loved and needed and this is just a tough spot to get through but there will be joy ahead, please just hang in there & have hope for the future. We’re rooting for you 💐

Hi @Roxietrees,
So sorry you are going through a tough time . You sound like a great mum and your little boy is lucky to have you .

I think you need to reach out to your friends and family for support, as it is difficult not to panic at times when you don’t have someone to talk through things with , who could put the positives to you .It will also demonstrate to the court / your ex the support network that you have .

Please look after yourself , as others have pointed out you can call Samaritans even if you aren’t feeling suicidal at that particular point . It is perfectly natural to feel stressed and panicked when you are in a stressful situation , which you are . That isn’t to say that your mental health won’t suffer because of this , because there may be triggers / situations which can put extra pressure on you .

If you were my daughter / friend / sister I would not want you to go through this on your own , so please don’t feel that you are a burden to them . Think of the support / friendship you may have given to others in the past even if you aren’t in a position to offer this now . Relationships are two way and you should be willing to receive help when you need it and hopefully you will be in a stronger position to be there for them in the future .

Do you have a solicitor of your own ? Just because your ex says something to his solicitor doesn’t make it true . You can easily counteract any lies he is saying .

Don’t let your ex make your mental health worse by not seeking the support/ help that you need .

You say you have been well over the last few years , have a think who would be able to back that up - your GP / health visitor / nursery / school teachers / family members ?

There are lots of apps that can be used to bring you some quiet time - breathing apps , calming music , white noise or what makes you feel calmer - a walk in a park etc .

I would also not rule out seeking help from your GP etc especially if you have thought of suicide , even if fleeting thoughts . This is showing that you recognise when you may be vulnerable and are reaching out for appropriate support to protect your own health and to enable you to be the best mum that you can be .

Take care and keep posting , if you find it helpful .

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

I'm sorry OP that sounds really hard

I think if you mentioned to the GP that you're feeling anxious because of the court process then that shouldn't result in you your child spending more time away from you but I'm not an expert.

Can you seek legal advice?

Google mental health charity's in your local area for support. My dd got a councillor via one and it never went on her medical records. I'm so sorry you are going through a hard time.

Thank you so much everyone for such kind replies :) it’s tough to reach out when you’re so down - ex has ground down my self-esteem and confidence in being a good mum to basically zero. I’ve started to think that maybe I’m not a good mum and he’s better off with him and his new partner and maybe I’ll move away and just see him in the holidays or something (I know this isn’t what I want, it’s my hatred for myself talking). When you feel like you’re worthless you feel like you don’t deserve support, or to be listened to or that your problems matter. I’m also terrified of being rejected by friends and family - of them not replying or caring (which is a real possibility so that’s why I don’t reach out also). Just so fucking lonely tbh. Haven’t been able to have a relationship since I split with ex 3 years ago (nothing to do with not being over him - it’s been due to how bad my MH’s been and how many other shitty things that have happened in that time) I’ve just never been able to get my shit together for long enough to even date. Just been me and the little guy, and I’ve quite liked that up until now. But tbh now I’m dreading seeing him tomorrow. I feel such a huge amount of guilt for being at war with the other most important person in his life, even though it wasn’t my choice, and so much guilt for not feeling (and haven’t for a good couple weeks now) up to doing fun stuff with him like we used to. I will try my best but I honestly feel I’m failing as a mother at the moment.

you’re not failing. things are hard for you just now, but it won’t always be that way.
I’ve been there, it gets better. sending hugs

It's a family court so it will be in a private room. Nobody else will be allowed in except you and the dad and any legal reps. So his friends won't be there.

Men calling women "mental" and trying to use it to threaten women in court is as old as the hills. Any cafcass officer will see through your ex.

Please try not to worry. You will get through this. Your little boy needs you.

Hi , how are you getting on @Roxietrees . Hope things are looking a bit better .

Sending you love x
one day at a time, if that's too much one hour at time xxxxx

Things have been a little bit better, thank you for asking. My solicitor says due to some concerns I have about ex’s care of DS (multiple a&e visits for minor accidents due to reckless behaviour by ex), the fact he’s told multiple lies about my MH, and his unstable living situation, that I may even be awarded full custody if I applied for it. Tbh I think that’s a long shot. Considering ex has never had MH problems and I have diagnosed depression, had a prescription drug addiction (although only once and historic), and apparently ex has texts where I’ve expressed suicidal thoughts (all 2+ yrs old), I really don’t think I look like a stable parent. Even though I have been completely stable for the past 2 years, I am very worried that they will take my history into consideration. It’s so frustrating cos I’ve worked so, so hard to get to a good place just for it all to come crashing down. The thought of my MH problems being picked apart in a courtroom is something I’m absolutely dreading. It’s the last thing I want to talk about. It’s so unbelievably hurtful that my ex is using the most painful time in my life to try and play happy families with his new gf. He has no genuine concerns about my care of DS. If he did why would he bring them up now, just as he’s got serious with his gf? Not 2 years ago when I was genuinely struggling?! I just hope the court sees through him. Anger is a helpful motivator, I’m just so worried about losing DS, the thought of less than half the time with him is unbearable and I don’t think I could live like that

I am glad you have a solicitor and that not everything is as pessimistic as you initially thought .

Poor mental health in itself should not be a barrier . There is more openness and awareness of this now , but appreciate you will have the judge’s view on it .

It should be about you acknowledging this and the steps you have taken to overcome it . What support network you have and what triggers in yourself you were able to recognise and reach out and take appropriate support for .
I am sure your solicitor will have discussed this with you or alternatively what the court is looking for . Look at the support network that you have and how you can reinforce this before the hearing .
I hope that you are getting support from family & friends .
Take care .