I hate having kids. TW: suicide attempt

[NameChange6479]

I’m 26 year old single mum with a 3 year old DS and a 4 year old DD.

My DS has complex needs due to a rare genetic disorder which presents itself as an intellectual disability. He has so many issues that I won’t even go into as I’ll be here all day. My DD also has SEN and will be going to a special school this September. Both are non/pre verbal.

Day to day life is EXHAUSTING. So many meltdowns, lack of understanding from both children, constant verbal stims and sensory issues. I’m overstimulated all day everyday and I hate everything that comes with having these children.

I had my first ever suicide attempt in December 2024 which was obviously unsuccessful. I’m currently going having CBT to help with depression and anxiety and it’s made me realise that I’ve had these negative thoughts and feelings since I first got pregnant in 2020. There’s genuinely no escaping how I feel because I hate my life.

There’s no support from social care as they literally do not give a fuck. The children with disabilities team also couldn’t give two shits. I’m lucky enough to have support from my mum who now has my children two nights a week since my attempt. The children’s dad is involved and he has them when he can but none of this seems to help. I almost feel like my life would drastically improve if I didn’t have full time care of my children. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just hate this life that I’m stuck with. Thanks for reading

It's never a mistake to reach out if you are struggling. Someone will always respond on here if you need to talk/vent etc

It’s not a mistake. Please don’t delete this thread due to one person, people who are in a similar situation to you will be able to help and understand what you are going through.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our mental health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Very best wishes,
Lily, MNHQ

You don’t need to apologise. You’ll get some good suggestions here and hopefully find a way forward.

There will always be someone who has absolutely no idea what you are going through or how you feel.

Far more people will genuinely care about you.

Ask for the thread to be deleted if it will make you feel better.
Just to add, please try to get help, links have been provided. I sincerely hope you can get through this bad patch, things will get better for you, have faith and ask for help.

Best wishes. x

OP, I can barely imagine how hard and draining it must feel, I am so sorry for you, I hope some of the recommendations left by other posters can be useful

Sending hugs and love. I'm not going to try to give answers as I'm not expert. But if chatting to folks on here helps, you stick with it. We all have thoughts in our head at times that (perfect) people might not approve of. They haven't walked a mile in your shoes. I'm sure other parents with SEND experience will be along soon to offer practical advice and support.

Ignore that other person. Stay on this thread as they’re could be some good ideas for support. I’m sure you’re not alone in feeling like this.

Oh gosh that must be so hard. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can find some carers support groups or something to help you, it sounds like an incredibly lonely and tough experience you are going through. Can social services offer any support? ❤️‍🩹

OP, do you need to have main custody of your children? Does their father know how low you are? There is no law that says they have live with their mothers. Could it work him being the parent they live with and you see them at weekends?

Your life is important

please get help

you know you don't have to keep your children,.
Dad can have them full time
or with dad's permission you can give them up.

OP, has anyone ever offered you DBT? It is pretty helpful in situations like yours. It is meant for suicidal people. I have done the parent component for my dd, who attempted suicide a number of times.

You would be entitled to short breaks (google short breaks and your LA name), though sometimes it is a reduced offer for under fives. Your local parent carer forum might be a helpful contact (differs in different areas). Have you specifically requested a carers assessment? Assume also you have DLA for both dc in place. I am sorry about the shot support you are getting. Presume DC currently in nursery - can they signpost you to local services?

The next time their father has them refuse to have them returned.
You are perfectly within your rights to do this and there will be zero legal ramifications.

Hi, I think your really brave to write that.

I don't have direct experience but I have seen in our local area this service being used maybe there is something similar in your area

https://www.kent.gov.uk/education-and-children/special-educational-needs-and-disabilities/social-care-support-for-your-child-or-young-person/a-break-from-caring/short-breaks#:~:text=Short%20breaks%20are%20positive%2C%20fun,those%20with%20more%20profound%20needs.

Thank you to everyone for the kind words. I’ve opened all the links and will look into everything once the children are in bed. I’m tired of fighting for support but I can’t go on like this

@NameChange6479 we're still here (if you are who I think you are). If you're not who I think you are, come and join us on the SN:Chat section. You have to go into the talk topics to find it - it doesn't show on Active conversations unless you've added it in your settings.

There are people who understand. We will listen, and we won't think badly of you. It's a hard path to tread and sometimes it's all too much

Gah, I’ve just lost a long message.

In short you are bloody amazing. Nobody could do this without suffering burnout and enormous stress. I’m glad your mum is helping.

When you say you are suicidal do you genuinely want to die or is it more that you can’t cope with this life right now? I’m hoping it’s the second option.

Ask for help and don’t disguise how you are feeling. Ask your GP, HV, SW, MH worker, the nearest children’s hospice, any relevant charities and your MP. You need a robust package of care and you’ll have to shout loud and long. A volunteer from CAB may help.

Finally PLEASE pick up the phone and call Samaritans on 116123 when you need to talk. There aren’t any immediate answers but it can help to share without any guilt or judgement.

Take care x

Can their dad have them 50/50 (I’m assuming you aren’t together now) so you get at least 3 nights a week for yourself?

it’s hard raising a child with learning difficulties but depending on their circumstances they still may learn to talk, my dd was 4 and fully verbal by 5. That helped a lot. Also speak to social services because it’s quite frankly cheaper to help you then foster care, push hard for respite.

take care of yourself and remember you are loved and an amazing human who deserves to live, and a good life at that.

OP I think I would feel the same as you. I just would not want to parent children with such profound additional needs. I don’t know what I’d do in your situation but I just want to offer a handhold

It is me. Thank you for your support x

I’ve just emailed my son’s complex needs HV and was very transparent about how much I’m struggling. I’ve asked if she can support with a referral to social care so I’ll see what she says tomorrow as she’s very prompt with responding.

To answer your question, I genuinely can’t cope and the only way I can see an out if by taking my own life. My mental health won’t improve, I’ve been like this for near enough 5 years. I’ve given up trying now especially as the kids dad doesn’t seem to care whether I’m here or not

Please don’t give up OP! Your life is important, you are important! I think anyone in those circumstances would struggle, you are so strong and blimmin’ incredible for getting this far and with minimal help. It’s time to put yourself and your wellbeing first.
Also, I understand even with how exhausted and difficult things are right now that giving up custody of your children could feel like too much of a difficult decision, so remember both your children will be going to school relatively soon (although it may not feel soon right now). Which you could focus on to keep going in the meantime, as then you will have hours most days to have a break. Then if your mum is still having them two evenings a week that would give you a couple evenings off too. This might still be too much and that’s completely understandable, but I just wanted to point out that the current situation of looking after them all day, every day won’t last forever!
But please get help through either family members or outside sources. There’s no shame in putting yourself first so you can get better. As others have suggested, arranging for their dad to have them full time might be the way forward?
You deserve to get better 🌻

Oh love we understand. Don’t ever say posting here is a mistake. I get you . No one would have children if they knew they were going to end up disabled. We all want a healthy child and unfortunately it doesn’t happen every time. Your children need you . But you mama, you need your help. As they say on airlines you put your own oxygen mask on first . Would short term foster care help out if that’s a thing. Surely if social services know how badly you are spiralling they would help. The help in this country is shocking but there must be somethjng. Can the dad not offer full time care to give you a break.

@NameChange6479 come and chat. You know where we are. Whatever happens with the kids, you matter and we are here for you.

Oh this sounds immensely hard. You’ve had two really difficult little kids to deal with for over four years. I struggled with one Nt baby and I wasn’t a Single mum!

you are very close to dc1 having help and respite of the school day. That will help, I’m sure of it.

are the “other grandparents” on the scene? If they could take dc2 for some weekends would it help?

you need lots more help than you re currently getting